ex boyfriend broke up due to depression

[chloe23]

My (ex) boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up with me about 2 months ago. Ever since november last yr, he has not been himself. He started medicine last  yr and stressed about exams and broke down before his finals.He called me for support and I was there. I had noticed a big change since then in terms of his outlook on life. After he broke up, it made more sense. we were fine one minute but he'd get easily frustrated at things that we used to get over and not worry about. He'd get angry, even when I'm calm.I had gone through a rough patch last yr myself and was depressed so I know exactly how he must feel now. He told me once he was a bit depressed and he's living by the day. I tried to talk about it but he didn't want to, ever since he hasn't mentioned and just said he's fine with life and didn't seem unhappy.

 I initially believed the break up was actually us not being happy, but with time apart, it made me realise so much about how he has changed. He became distant and wanted space and missed me so much the other times. I saw him a month after the break up,I was finding it so difficult to accept the break up, I tried my best to be happy around him and show how comfy he is around me.He seemed to miss me so much and seemed so upset and not okay but denies it and acts so fine with others. He'd say things like he's not a good person, he will hurt me, he is damaged goods. It was scary for me to see him like that and I decided i should keep contact and check up instead of leaving him alone.

I still wanted to be his gf and lacked the patience.He would say, you're expecting a relationship out of me, i can't give it and theres no chance for us again. i don't want to believe this because of the state he's in but hearing it hurts so much! He says when the time is right, he will find someone,he will have to live with the consequences if he made the wrong choice about us.I know we were only dating for 3 yrs but we were very serious and really set on future. Suddenly I'm not his future, I'm not the one, he can't make me happy and that i made him miserable.

 I do want to be there for him, make him come out of this well and show him I am always there for him and I am a fighter for the both of us when he can't.But he keeps pushing me away. Face to face he seems to struggle but online he is so fake. Should I believe all the things he says, will time help? I don't want to not contact him but I don't know if I'll be okay being there and knowing i'll never have him. Please advice

[Jacko777]

Hi chloe23

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, i can see this was tough for you to post this and you have been through some hard times. I think others on this site will have support and advice for you.

My first thought is whether your ex is still getting professional help for his condition, these things change with time and perhaps he needs a fresh plan?

I am sorry this hurts, I think we all know your pain, but if he is saying 'there is no chance', what can you do? I think you can communicate with him as you need, get it all out there so at least you have said all you can. If he has made the wrong choice, let him own it. You can only control yourself and how you respond to this situation. I can see how this situation would be taking over your thoughts in a lot of your waking moments and for your own health you could try and conserve this. Take time each day to do things that you love, things that bring you calmness and happiness, your interests, hobbies, passions, friendships, keep all the other parts of you topped up. These are things that no one can take from you, protect and nurture them. Love to you.

Jack   

[geoff]

dear Chloe, I feel so sorry for you and also your boyfriend who is suffering so badly from depression.

I realise that you want to be there for him, but perhaps an old saying could describe the situation, 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink', so unfortunately you can be there for him, but maybe this is not strong enough for him to want to stay with you.

In reality your love for him must have been astonishing and now this has left a hole in your heart, however stay in contact with him if this is your desire. L Geoff. x

[chloe23]

Thanks Jacko777 and geoff

 Being each others first love, and him being an introvert, I know him so well to know he loves me so much, but it's hard to be there and hear things he says. When I see him in person he is amazing and doesn't want to leave but away from me, he can just tell me something like 'theres no chance for us, move on'

It's hard because I'm in a position where I don't really have a say, just have to be patient and selfless if I'm to help him. 

He told me he's damaged goods, he'll hurt me, he feels nothing - he talks to himself saying he's screwed up, but he denies having any problem and the moment i ask him to get help he would get frustrated. i have stopped asking and he won't realise he needs help. 

do they eventually realise their faults? I know i was suffering last yr - which made it tough on him but i did apologise and realise so much, even though it was too late. I blamed him for a lot of things but i didn't end the relationship. 

I want him back when he's ready and I'm prepared to be there for that but he doesn't seem to think it's a good idea.  I read a couple of articles and it relates to the things he's doing like blaming the relationship and pushing me away, spending time with friends who don't seem to know his situation, faking it and thinking theres better out there that may give him interest once again. He told me when the time is right he will find someone, and he doesn't want it to hurt me. But at the same time he doesn't want to lose me from his life. I'm struggling to see if these are all ways of him trying not to hurt me, because he's confused and occupied with other problems..

I don't want to believe it because the week before he broke up, he was so caring and loving and told me how much he missed me. I'm holding on to that hope and trying my hardest to occupy myself. 

this is a really tough semester, he was overloaded with work and it has the highest fail rate so he is more stressed, i guess relationship didn't help. hoping he gets back to himself after the exams 😞

[geoff]

dear Chloe, what happened with me, as I was in denial, is that someone major, and I know that breaking up with you is major, but perhaps it hasn't sucked in yet for him, or something else might happen that sort of hits in the face, so he then realises that whow I need some help. L Geoff. x

[Carmela]

Hi Chloe23, I am sorry to hear about your relationship. I could feel your pain in each of the posts.

Relationships present us with the most challenging life experiences. The challenges force us to take a step back, observe and seek clarity.  We can only control and change ourselves. To try and do this to or for someone else, reduces their own ability to observe and seek clarity as they rely on another to do so.

Sometimes, people with depression need time on their own away from a partner, to find themselves. Being a friend is just as important as being a girlfriend. It’s the support he needs right now, and maybe the demands of relationship is too much for him to tolerate.

Jacko777 has provided you with some solid advice. Do things for you as you need to be your focus as it is all you can control.  It is ok to wait, but please don’t do this at the detriment of your own mental health and wellbeing. You have a right to thrive and be the best person you can be.

Sending you love and hugs Chloe23. 

[teenagedirtbag]

I've had the exact same thing but my friends are telling me "his depression broke up with me not him" but when i tried to talk to him at a party straight after he broke up with me he would scream "leave me alone" and "don't touch me" when i was just trying to comfort him and then he will cry. Basically I'm planning to let him have some space and then he will hopefully realise that his depression has taken over but I'm not blocking his number or anything because if he needs someone to vent to i will be there to support him. What i'm trying to say is that he will come around and hopefully you can get back together but no matter what the relationship status even though someone with depression may think that being alone will solve their problems, it won't and they need someone to support them through everything. Depression makes people make bad decisions and when it takes over it can be depression that broke up with you, not him. Talk to him but don't pester him like i did to the point where he punched the pole dangerously close to me 

He will come around but until then be there to support him when he needs it whether you are dating or just friends.  show him you aren't giving up on him because he probably needs to know someone cares about him

[Rmjj]

i aam having the exact same thing my partner well ex now i suppose split with me as he said he needed to sort himself out due to depression and focus on getting better i feel helpless and want nothing but to b there for support p 

[DianeB]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a similar situation. My depressed boyfriend is in a low at the moment, he doesn't want to see anyone, and specially me. He doesn't want to talk, specially with me. The last weeks have been good, the change happened quickly. He said he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he doesn't like it because I'm in love but not him so it sucks. He said the relationship was good when it was casual but then went up to a level that he can't manage.

I know he's in a bad mood, but I don't know how to interpret that. I said I will wait until he feels better, even if it takes a long time. Is he really serious or is it the depression talking for him?

I love him, I want to be there for him, I don't want to leave him... but I don't know what to do.

Please give me some advice.

[chloe23]

Hey thanks for this. Im sorry it's a bit late but I do understand where you're coming from.

 my ex decided to ask out the girl who was giving him more attention, even though he really doesn't like her.

 Although I've been there to comfort and show someone cares, our last conversation ended with him punching and kicking things and blaming all his anger on me. The ONLY person who knows about it and helped. It sucks that he became such a person.

i know he's avoiding the whole situation and ever admitting anything wrong. Im tired of defending myself and putting my self esteem down so low. Im giving him space and hopefully he does Realise he always was lucky to have me to count on. Im trying to be so understanding and not think bad of him although my family and friends are so against what he's doing. I hope he realises without me he's still not okay and the sad thing is he may lose me forever by being this way and that hurts me knowing he'll get worse. 

 mentioning the word depression was enough to have him yell, kick and scream. All I said then was, are you sure you ARE okay??

 so unfortunate and hope this space works!