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ex boyfriend broke up due to depression

chloe23
Community Member

My (ex) boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up with me about 2 months ago. Ever since november last yr, he has not been himself. He started medicine last  yr and stressed about exams and broke down before his finals.He called me for support and I was there. I had noticed a big change since then in terms of his outlook on life. After he broke up, it made more sense. we were fine one minute but he'd get easily frustrated at things that we used to get over and not worry about. He'd get angry, even when I'm calm.I had gone through a rough patch last yr myself and was depressed so I know exactly how he must feel now. He told me once he was a bit depressed and he's living by the day. I tried to talk about it but he didn't want to, ever since he hasn't mentioned and just said he's fine with life and didn't seem unhappy.

 I initially believed the break up was actually us not being happy, but with time apart, it made me realise so much about how he has changed. He became distant and wanted space and missed me so much the other times. I saw him a month after the break up,I was finding it so difficult to accept the break up, I tried my best to be happy around him and show how comfy he is around me.He seemed to miss me so much and seemed so upset and not okay but denies it and acts so fine with others. He'd say things like he's not a good person, he will hurt me, he is damaged goods. It was scary for me to see him like that and I decided i should keep contact and check up instead of leaving him alone.

I still wanted to be his gf and lacked the patience.He would say, you're expecting a relationship out of me, i can't give it and theres no chance for us again. i don't want to believe this because of the state he's in but hearing it hurts so much! He says when the time is right, he will find someone,he will have to live with the consequences if he made the wrong choice about us.I know we were only dating for 3 yrs but we were very serious and really set on future. Suddenly I'm not his future, I'm not the one, he can't make me happy and that i made him miserable.

 I do want to be there for him, make him come out of this well and show him I am always there for him and I am a fighter for the both of us when he can't.But he keeps pushing me away. Face to face he seems to struggle but online he is so fake. Should I believe all the things he says, will time help? I don't want to not contact him but I don't know if I'll be okay being there and knowing i'll never have him. Please advice

22 Replies 22

Anna_Mac
Community Member
Wow these posts are almost identical to my story- depressed boyfriend ended 8 year very happy relationship out of the blue two months ago. Still have some hope but trying to move on with my life in general.

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi

I think what you are doing is fantasic. Your moving on, keeping yourself positive while also being open the the possibilty that things may reconcile in tbe future. Who knows maybe he will see you as the strong woman you are and know more than ever by your actions that he would not be a burden on you.

I feel like this is a really common theme for women caring for a partner with relatively newly diagnosed (not necessarily newly suffering from) depression.

The feeling of guilt that they’re in some way holding us back or hurting us by staying with us instead of seeing the deep care and concern we hold just wanting to show support and love.

does anyone have any positive outcomes from this “sorting themselves out” alone? Or is that it?.. over and done with.

i am finding it really hard find any optimism in my situation as my partner says he has grown to resent me due to the vicious cycle of guilt ( withdraws, hurts me, I get sad and withdraw too, he feels horribly guilty) I can feel depression seeping back into my life and I’m finding it hard to stay positive.