Depressed partner won't get help!

[avier]

Hi all

My boyfriend has been depressed for the last two years or so and last night I caught him in a very big lie - he told me he was going to play games with a friend but instead I went to the theatre I suspected he was at and caught them walking out of the theatre together. He told me there is nothing romantic going on, and I, either foolishly or not, believe him. But he lied about this 'as he didn't want to hurt me'.

He came home and we had a massive chat. He advised he feels nothing. At all. Doesn't feel for me, doesn't want to see his daughter anymore, nothing. He is in chronic pain from a back injury and undiagnosed stomach pain. Says he wakes up every morning wishing he was dead. Doesn't understand why I stay with him. Feels everything in his life is crap because of him. Now doesn't believe he is depressed because 'if I was I would have got over it already'. He is just very numb and doesn't know how to keep going. Kept it from me how bad he was doing because his depression has affected me. I have anxiety now, but I am in therapy and managing the initial causes.

Through our discussion last night I basically laid out to him he needs to do something about the depression. Can't just wake up every mmorning hoping it had suddenly gone. I want him on anti depressants. I want him to try more than one therapy session.

He doesn't believe in doctors because they haven't been able to resolve his stomach pains after all these years. Thinks anti depressants will make him into a different person, a zombie state. Thinks the one therapy session made everything worse. Is annoyed his new job didn't fix it, our efforts to keep our relationship healthy aren't helping etc etc. All of these make him think he is a bad person who isn't worth my time and love?

How can I encourage him that since the last time he was on meds (over 10 years ago) that things have changed. That yes, they might make things worse before they kickin but I will be here to support him through that. That talking about it will do more good than keeping silent and hoping that the next morning it will all suddenly be gone?

Im at my wits end. I feel I can't trust what he tells me now. I am suspicious of the discussions he is having with this female friend, whether she is supporting him Brough this or just telling him he is better being alone (she has relationship issues, thinks they are worthless).

This has thrown me something shocking. I don't know how to move forward.

[white knight]

Hi welcome

I hope I don't come across to blunt.

There is a risk he is using the mental illness line to divert his deceit.

There is the saying "you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink"

Beyond that I'd suggest both if you seek counseling. Relationships Australia is a good starting point.

Hole it goes well for you. Its a tough situation.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Avier, thanks for posting your comment, and can I ask if you are the mum of his daughter or was it from a prior relationship.
Tony has made a good point and it's obvious that your b/friend is telling you lies that there is no romance going on, well you don't take someone to the theatre if you don't like them, and has his stomach and back pain been a problem before that he has complained about.
Sometimes people find comfort in talking to other people, that is, a male finds another girl to talk to, or does this mean that he is running away from your present relationship, and could it be that he wants to leave it, which is not what you want.
Personally if my g/friend had been going out with another male then there's no doubt that I would want our marriage/relationship to end, simply because I could never believe anything she said, but this is never easy if you have been together for a number of years.
I know how awful you feel but once your trust in him has been broken, and never believes what ever he says, then I would suggest to find someone else who lobs you. Geoff. x

[Lightbeam]

Hi Avier!

This is a scenario way too familiar to me recently & an awful position to be put in.

I too trusted and believed my now ex partner only to find out recently he had been living a double life for the past two years. Denied a second relationship was happening, lied about seeking help for his long term depression/anxiety/PTSD to help our future together & used all the excuses under the sun avoiding his responsibility & obligations to our relationship. Yep, I heard it all over two years only to find out in the most painful discovery, he was weaving a massive web of deceit.

It is hard to make the break, I am still hurting & think that the scars will be there for a long time. At some point, you will realise that you have been too patient, too kind, too trusting & caring & are being taken for granted. You deserve better, and you actually deserve better from your partner. If he is not willing to admit that he needs help & committed to doing it, nothing will change.

I really feel for you Avier, it is such a tough call to make. I still dearly love my ex & can see how much pain he is in but I can also see that he is going to destroy someone else's hope for a future with him because this cycle of his behaviour keeps on repeating itself.

Find the courage within to make the best decision for you, as you deserve the best.

My heart goes out to you during this tough time.

Kind regards xx