Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?

[_-_]

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves.

Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other. 

Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.

They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me. 

In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.

This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.

They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.

I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.

They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible. 

Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.

They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.

We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.

They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.

They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.

I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can.

It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine.

I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance 

[randomxx]

`PS, sometimes a bit of a break and being his own man again for while is enough yaknow and that could well work out the case for him too.

[_-_]

Hello Rx,

Thanks for the response.

I appreciate where you're coming from and take your point - I'm always open to a different point of view.

I'm the passive one in the relationship.

Whilst I've been reluctant about ideas and concerned about risk I've always supported my partner and we have usually gone ahead with them.

I left my high level job and moved our family across the other side of the country so that they could pursue their dream job opportunity- whilst the move only lasted 18 months (by my partners choice) I was committed and did everything I could to make it work - I admit to this day that I enjoyed the opportunity and am glad we did it.

I also support their weekend sports and hobbies that lets them have time to themselves.

They have also gone ahead with investments and business opportunities that I have had reservations about - most things have still gone ahead, and I don't think that they have been denied any particular opportunity because of my position. But I get that it would feel annoying that it sounds like I'm always against it.

Our family life tends to work around their choices and I've been ok with that, as our agreed focus was to work hard, raise the children and then move the focus back to us and travel. 

They are quite driven and work hard to be successful - reading back on this it makes them seem quite selfish but I don't see it that way.

I work a well paying long-term job and am content, so I'm not looking for anything more. If I wanted to do more I'm sure my partner would have supported me in the past.

It may well be that he no longer loves me.  The fact that it has happened so suddenly without any arguments or apparent event is what worries me.

That coupled with working consistently long weeks for the past 18 months and putting work first - which we had agreed was the focus for now - I suspected that they were stressed or possibly depressed from the constant workload.  

They no longer want to talk to their close family either.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm arguing with you, its just hard when not much makes sense to me any more.

Hopefully they find what they need and can recover as best they can.

If they still feel the same way then I will know it's definite.

[_-_]

Also want to clarify...

By no means am I perfect - far from it. But I do try to find happiness where I can and try to accept what I can and cannot change.

[randomxx]

No worries at all op just putting it out there as l've seen it and lived it but also going on a few things you'd said too but yeah , that's sounding very differently to earlier then but still hard to know.

Somethings a miss though but anyway yeah , hopefully he realizes with a break though of just what he's throwing away eh.

rx

[_-_]

Hello R,

I agree, something is definitely up and they are clearly not happy with our current marriage / family life.

Hopefully with treatment and time we will see what happens, and if it's meant to be it will be. 

Thanks again for taking the time to chat, I'm glad you're doing things that you've always wanted to.

[_-_]

Quick update

They have organised accommodation and looking to move out next week.

They want to work out what they want from life and what their next steps will be.

We still talk and seem to get along.

They tell me outside of home they are feeling better in themself and the depression and anxiety is seeming to be less. This also coincides with the completion of a big work project.

They want to maintain a strong friendship but the is just no spark or feelings of love anymore. Still not wanting to do couple counselling as they just don't feel it any more.

I'm glad that they are doing better and accept that they probably haven't felt well for a while.  If I'm being honest they haven't been a good partner for quite some time and I have been left with the bulk of family and home load and little support, but that was my way of trying to be supportive whilst they have been so busy at work.

We will tell the children next week which will be hard - as will being the primary care giver and support person whilst my partner is on their break.

Hopefully in a few months I will know either way what this means for myself and the family so we can adjust as needed