DEPRESSED HUSBAND POSSIBLE UNDIAGNOSED AUTISM SPECTRUM/MUSICIAN

[Wife_Lil]

15 years ago when I met my husband he was a fast talking, successful musician, who swept me off my feet with his witty conversation, and the way he made me feel special. We clicked from the start. To others though, they regularly told me "I can't get a word in?" and I noticed his family say "Shut up" a lot to him. His friendships were with other musicians, and school friends, but no new friendships. In 15 years, we haven't formed any mutual friendships. He talks about particular subjects of his interests in length, and if you change the subject, it will be returned to those topics. Working with other people has posed problems, he doesn't fit in easily. Family are not tolerant of his quirkiness, and instead, just ignore him in family gatherings on my side. He is currently not working, and depressed. Having been to 6 Psychology appointments and then seeing a GP that has not helped, he is frustrated beyond belief. We argue all the time and he feels I don't understand. If I don't agree with his point of view, there is an argument. He no longer does anything with me that isn't involving something he wants to do. Rarely exercises, doesn't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I am stunned at the lack of help he has had medically. It is very isolating loving a man who won't socialize. He has lost his sense of self worth without a career, having injured himself and had surgeries. Over 50 and finding it difficult to choose a new career, and having heard the budget 2020, now wondering where his future lies. How do you get help for a man who is extremely intelligent, who has no idea that people who meet him, or family who ask me, "Does he have Autism, or Bipolar, or ADHD, or is he displaying Narcosis behavior??????" I know he is depressed! Should I stay or should I go? I love him! He is my everything. Good medical help is difficult to find....

[uncut_gems]

Hi Wife Lil,

I'm sorry, this sounds like such a stressful situation! I think what drives others (and no doubt yourself) sometimes a bit crazy about your husband is closely tied to what you also love about him– his passions and talents and ability to talk about these interests. However, being interesting or eccentric does not a whole partnership make, and it is not a substitute for being a committed member of your family and society.

While we here on the forums (myself included) aren't mental health professionals and can't make diagnoses, it sounds like you have very reasonable concerns. What does your husband think about the prospect of being diagnosed with any of these conditions? Is he keen to find out what's wrong, or does he not care?

Given what you say about the loss of his job, his surgeries, and his lack of interest in social things it does seem like your husband is dealing with some depression on top of everything else. I wonder if just putting it to him like that might be helpful. I suppose my main question is, have you struggled to find access to good medical help because your husband is not interested in participating or because there is a lack of professional services?

Remember that whatever the outcome, you still deserve to be treated well and that your wellbeing and happiness are important.

Warmly,

Gems

[Wife_Lil]

Thank you for your reply. After my husband had been to his GP, and then I snuck in for a visit to explain how I was growing concerned about he not having been assessed, I was stunned that when he returned for his "conclusion" visit this week, he wasn't given any further advice or help. Finding the right GP, who has the understanding and knows the right things to say, through a very difficult topic, is what is tricky. I kind expected him to suggest the topics I'd discussed with him, and he even said, on the autism spectrum is a possibility. But that was not mentioned. Just offering another 4 appointments, seems like going around in circles. So he will attend again, perhaps it will bring a new result. After the storm of frustration, things always settle down. Musicians are quirky, and we are staying together, the love has always seen us through. Time will tell.... in the mean time, stepping away when and having some space now and then works well. Going for a walk, etc.