depressed husband has low libido

Alexandria16 · ‎26-07-2017

Hi!

i am looking for advice/women in similar situations - my husband is very loving and otherwise we are really happy. We have been married 18 months, he was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago. He says he has always had a low interest in sex; probably made worse by medication (and is particularly low when he is down). He tries and feels very guilty but has pretty much zero interest when he is down (sometimes for weeks) and at his peak is mildly interested. My difficulty is not wanting to make him feel guilty (he is responsive and wishes things were different) but so much is aimed towards women whose husbands are the high desire partner ("he'll just want to have sex with you all the time") which makes me feel very isolated and unwanted even though I know I am loved. My husband sees his psych regularly and always takes his ness. Would love to hear from people in a similar situation and get any advice!

Blue_Jane · ‎30-07-2017

Hi Alexandria

First of all welcome to our forums! Sorry that it has taken a few days to get a response.

You are very brave for sharing what is going on with you. Its personal stuff but it is clear you want to know how to understand this situation so that you can be in an ongoing loving marriage.

I can relate to what you are going through. My husband has depression too and has had some very dark times. He has been off and on medication over the past 15 years. Even though he is currently off the medication there are ongoing effects like low sex drive. I am not sure if that is in his mind or it is a side effect of the medication being taken over a number of years. Either way it is hard. I definitely having the higher drive and it can be really hard for both of us when I initiate and it doesn't play out.

My husband is gorgeous and loving but can be very hard on himself when things don't work. I try not to take it personally but it often gets to me and I am not very good at hiding my emotions!

In terms of advice....we have not figured it out completely yet but I am suggesting foods like blueberries, broccoli, watermelon, eggs and ginseng. I even bought ginseng tea for him but he doesn't like it!

Also my husband is a lot more confident about himself when he is eating well and exercising which is vital for ongoing management of depression so encourage that where/if possible!

Thanks again for sharing - I think you would be surprised by how many people are in a similar situation.

Blue Jane

geoff · ‎31-07-2017

hello Alexandria, I hear what you're saying and must agree when I was cornered into depression I had no sex drive for two reasons, the medication stopped any feelings of wanting it so that had to be changed, but secondly I wasn't interested, a far cry from how I was before I got depression, however my wife was the one that was never interested in having it after our two sons were born.
She ended up moving into another bedroom a long time before she divorced me after 25 years of marriage, something that I had never ever thought could possibly ever happen.
There could be some medical reasons why he feels this way, something that has not be identified by his doctors, but google this 'courses to increase a man's sex drive', on there it may have something you can relate to. Geoff.

Alexandria16 · ‎31-07-2017

Thanks for this! I'll give those foods a go. I guess a difficulty is that I still have feelings/needs/ ignoring it isn't going to help, but i think there is such a strong link between depression and shame / embarrassment and my husband feels worse that he has failed! Thanks for your advice

Blue_Jane · ‎31-07-2017

I understand - sometimes I make my husband feel worse when we try and it doesn't work. And we have been married for only two years - together for over four. So not a long time and I know he wants to have a more sexually active relationship. I just have to try not to push things, which is so hard.

Winterfell · ‎01-08-2017

Hi Alexandria - just a question - does the medication interfere with his function at all? that can be a libido killer for some men, seeing a GP can help with getting some medication to ensure everything is working at its best can help in that case.

Alexandria16 · ‎09-08-2017

hey winterfell,

yeah i think that is such a good question and has been an issue in the past - he was on SSRI antidepressants which definitely made things more difficult and lowered his libido. he's now changed to a different non PBS medication which works excellently (and google tells me people often go on it because it doesn't have the same impact on libido). i suspect for my husband he has always felt this way (he has made comments about never feeling like a very sexual person) and so the stress and overwhelming nature of depression lowers that even more. it's hard not to take it personally!!