I'd like some tips on how to help my partner's depression

[kell1497]

I'd really like some tips from someone about my partner's depression as I never know what to say to make him know that I am supportive of him. We have been together for over a year but I am still unsure about how to communicate with him when he is depressed or anxious because I fear that he will try to push me away or I will smother him.

I'm 20 and my partner is 22, he has suffered from depression for about 3 years and is on medication. About 4 months ago we moved to Melbourne together and he had a pretty rough time adjusting but he agreed to see a doctor and he upped his medication to a higher dose, since then his depression had been doing really well. In the last few weeks he has been having a really hard time again. The situation is difficult because he works 6 days a week and almost 12 hour days but he loves his job (he is paid based on commissions so lately hasn't been doing as well as he was when he was feeling better). I, however, work nights almost 6 days a week. We don't see eachother much apart from when I drive him to work of a morning. We were both coping pretty well with the little to no contact thing as we would text and call constantly throughout the day but I was always aware that it might take a toll on his depression. In the last 2 weeks he has been unmotivated, sad, feeling helpless/worthless, can't sleep and he has only now gotten so bad that it was glaringly obvious to me that he is going down hill again. He talks to me about some of the things he is thinking but I know that there are things he doesn't tell me and I understand that he isn't comfortable telling me everything he feels. BUT when he does tell me how he is feeling I never know what to say... this is one thing I would really like to improve on. The only thing I ever do is make sounds to show that I understand ("mmm" or "yeah, I know") and I think that I really need to provide more feedback with him but I'm not sure how to go about it...

i know that our work hours must have a large part to do with his bad depression of late but neither of us want to quit our jobs as I am on good money and he loves the environment he works in.

Does anyone have any tips that we could use to put him back on track without too much change to our lives? And could anyone educate me on how to be more helpful when he is trying to talk to me about his depression?

Thanks in advance

[white knight]

Hi kell, welcome

Firstly I'm very impressed with the level of care you have towards him. Big tick there.

Shift work and/or ling hours are bad for depressants. I know, i worked security 12 hours shifts and it helped me towards major issues.

Working so hard and seeing little of each other demands more positive planning. Knowing that at the end of the week you will both be going out together will lay a foundation of happiness. Also, for me knowing I'll be driving my sports car to a lake for a picnic or a drive with my car club does the same thing. Maybe both have breakfast at a cafe before you drop him off at work?

A hobby helps. For me it used to be model aircraft some like gym equipment, some play volleyball etc.

Ive just asked my wife about what things to say, she as well as I has depression. She said being reassuring is the best way to show support. Having goals like reward for your workload because the balance of work and leisure is likely wrong. Saying "you are doing so good at your work lately, lets have chinese tonight.?"

She also said comedy shows are a great lifter of mood. Dont forget the romance, candlelight dinners and regular GP visits.

Become his rock. You are well on the way. Having limited things to say isnt uncommon.Holding his hand often says it all.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Kell, moving from one place or state to state can quite easily bring on depression, it did for me on a couple of occasions where I relapsed, so this maybe a reason why he feels this way.
You both work six days a week and I hope that the seventh day you are together even though communication is done during the day, but from my experience when I was depressed as soon as wife (ex) rang me, the sooner I wanted to hang up, or the alternative could be that he may want to talk to you for longer but time prohibits this, so this could be something he hates.
A fine balance between the two of you talking needs to be found but we know that that's not easy to find because of circumstances.
I think that what he says to you is very important, it's communicating, and yes he may not discuss other thoughts, but that happens with all of us anyway, but you would be able to gauge how you think he is, taking aside that he maybe pretending, but once you see no motivation etc then you know how he is feeling.
Is it possible for the two of you to have a holiday and then see if his mood actually changes for the positive, and if so then one of you may have to decide whether or not your job can be modified, only a suggestion.
I know that he works 12 hours a day for 6 days but is he able to find time to see a psychologist, because our own health is what we must be looking out for, in other words look after ourselves. Geoff.

[Alexandria16]

hey kell1497, it sounds like you are doing an awesome job. lots of what you said resonated with me - my husband has pretty severe depression that definitely goes up and down. big factors for him are his workload, how socially isolated he's feeling and how well he is sleeping and eating etc. i think it's pretty common for depressed people to be in a spiral (i.e. it sounds like your boyfriend is feeling down with work, a bit disconnected having moved, probably really tired and that's all getting worse because of his mental health).

it sounds like something needs to change for you guys work wise which is hard! maybe you both just need to start by taking a few days off to hang out and to reevaluate how things are going. this of course is up to you, but it sounds like his work is taking a big toll on his mental health (and also yours contributing to how much you see each other), so on one hand that's unlikely to get better unless work changes a little bit.

I also struggle to know what to say to my husband - i now make him (haha he hates this a little bit) give me a number out of 10 in how he's feeling and he tells me what that means. i also give him a bit of warning (e.g. this week i told him i wanted to talk to him about his depression and stress levels but that he could pick any night that was ok with him). i have also recently realised my husband needs to exercise regularly and i want him to use the headspace app (it is very helpful!!). when my husband i talk about it, it can be really intense for him to actually share how he's feeling so i try and do it when it's not really intense (i.e. when he's cooking so he also has something to do). i think asking open ended questions is really helpful especially surrounding outcomes and what can make things better (e.g. 'if that's how you feel, what do you think the best outcome is?' or 'it seems like you're feeling pretty isolated since we moved to melbourne, what do you think about working a bit less so that we could build a support network down here?'. isolation is such a huge factor i think.

hope this helps - it is really hard living with a depressed partner!