Boyfriend - How to cope

[Familymember]

I am a 22 year old female. I have lived with my 24 year old partner for 2 years. He has suffered from depression since his mid teens. He has medication to treat his depression which has helped him in the past.

The past year or so has been characteristed by deep periods of depression. He began self medicating with Marijuana about a year ago and this perpetuated the cycle of depressive periods. He has ceased smoking cannibas and is seeing a Psychologist. He has also recently been diagnosed with Sleep Apnoea and is recieving treatment. I want to support him through these dark times. I am finding it hard being told by everyone close to me to give up my relationship with him because " I am young and dont need a project".

The past few weeks my boyfriend has suffered from a particularly depressive episode and I feel myself struggling to remain supportive. Its hard to continue to trust that someone loves you when they distance themselves from you, stop helping, cease communicating, shows no interest in your relationship and has no sexual interest in you. He says things such as " We do nothing fun anymore because you dont like doing the things we use to", " You need to stop telling me what to do", " I feel miserable and there is nothing good in my life". He only says these things when he is very depressed. I am a social person and quite sensible. I dont drink or party as a result of growing up with an alcoholic parent. I have a very positive outlook in life and my boyfriend and I have always thrived in each others company. He is a kind, generous person with a playful disposition. I feel very hurt at his suggestions that I am the problem. I feel anxious that he is not sexually attracted to me and that I am the reason he feels so lost.

I can logically recognise that he loves me and the things he says and does are a result of the depression, however, emotionally it is very difficult not to succumb to the suggestions, negativity, criticism and ride the rollercoaster with him. I sometimes think about jumping off and living my life free of depression and perhaps finding a partner who doesnt suffer from depression, however I always come back to the fact that I can play quite a significant role in his life and have previously helped him through prolonged periods of depression.

When things are good they are wonderful - I am trying to keep up my hope for these times. Any tips on how to find the emotional stregnth living with a depressed person? Any tips on ways to articulate effectivly to a depressed family member how their actions and words can make others feel?

Em

[S_A_D_]

Learn psychology by any means necessary. Start with a first year university textbook on psychology. Consider reading it from cover to cover. Some good authors include Bernstien et al, and Passer. Don't skip to any particular section, but pay close attention to the sections on motivation, emotion, learning, memory, cognition, language, cognitive abilities, human development, stress and coping, and the introduction. The other sections could be skimmed over, in your case.

[geoff]

dear Em, for him to stop smoking Marijuana isn't an easy task, but you must have helped him through this period, however people tend to return to smoking it when depressed or their anxiety level is going through the roof, and I'm not suggesting that he has returned to it, this is just a point, and I hope that he stays off it, and with your assistance he won't.

Facetious is right, the more you can learn about depression the better, either from cover to cover or on the net.

If you had an alcoholic parent then there must have been depression with this person, so you would know what it's like, although it's different being a child than to being a lover on the way it was handled.

Have you thought about having a break from him and I am only suggesting this just to see how you feel, but also the reaction from your boyfriend.

You can contact him every couple of days, but not every day because if you do then it's not a break, I know you will worry, but the point is to see how you get on, plus how you boyfriend copes with no one with him. L Geoff. x

[giggles]

Hi Em

I have often asked my partner why he has stayed with me and he said and says that he knows it is not the true me. Now that is a depth of love that I wish for everyone but reality bites show us differently don't they.

If you get an opportunity to have some time to yourself for a while only you can decide whether to keep this relationship going.I know it sounds harsh to leave someone because of depression I have even judged someone for doing that but as it turns out that person met someone new and is quite happy but so did the depressed person. So there you go we just do not know what the outcome of something will be because of the expectations we put there.

Just know it will be ok either way if you decide to stay because you love him then you will find your own special way of dealing with the depression.It is probably difficult because the depression is dictating to you and not his personality that from what you say is actually enjoyable at times.There lies the confusion.

[tegan22]

Em,

I hope you're not offended by anything I say but i'm going to tell you what I think. I have had depression for ten years and I too am a 22 yr old female living with my 24 yr old boyfriend, only i'm the one suffering from this disease. I think you need to remember that it is a disease, we didn't choose this. You need to be strong for the person who can't be. My boyfriend has been by my side trying his best to understand and support and help and I can honestly say that in the suicidal moments I have had, him leaving me would have put me right over the edge. Stay strong for him, everyone deserves a chance at happiness right?