FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Bipolar husband... im torn what to do

Charlee123
Community Member
Hi, this is my first time here, i have been through so much that i need someone to talk to. My husband (been together 20 years)has (finally) officially been diagnosed as bipolar and manic depressive (more manic then bipolar) but it changes. He has type 2 diabetes, and bipolar AND does not take charge of his medication, he has a dr appointment for the 23rd Feb, and is notoriously a dr avoider. We have had troubles in the past 3 years as he has been mentally exhausting (oh and has a wonderful ice addiction which he has had for 20+ years - the dr recons its lasted due to the undiagnosed bipolar). He has seperated from me as i have changed (apparently), but he cannot see how much he doesnt do for himself, its like for the past however many years he has stopped wanting to live and gets me to do everything. (even has called me up to do stuff on excel at work for him). and im over it. But i love him, and when ever hes been manic (i guess) and things have been hard we always make it work.... but now im not so sure. we have 2 boys (7 and 5) and own our house. He always wants me to change. no back chat, do what he says when he says, be clean (he never helps) stop being negative (he can talk) any way he could go on and on with whats wrong with me. It is domestic abuse, i know and yet trapped. I ve know hes not well and the drugs are no help at all. so i just need to vent.. ive left for a month, but he was at our house and i was paying all the bills so i came home as i was struggling to live. Anyway he said i was ruining everything and we now sleep in seperate rooms. if things start to go all right the moment 1 thing doesnt go the way he expect its like the end of the world. im a useless human and he doesnt know why hes still there. i keep saying its the mental illness as the moment passes and hes ok , but has the memory of me thats now tarnished and its like its growing into hate. im so tired and stressed, i have panic attacks (now supressed but medications) but what to i do, do i stay / leave, my parents cannot cope with me being at home it caused them such anziety and stress. i have the boys to look after and he is a high functioning addict, so smart and can turn pretty much any situation to his advantage. Anyway, thanks for letting me let out the things ive been in. Oh apart from the occasional yelling he is good with the boys (although i am reluctant to leave them with his as he sleeps a lot due to not being medicated properly) AAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh
5 Replies 5

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Charlee,

Welcome to the forum . This is a caring supportive and friendly place.

You and your husband have been through a lot.

It is hard to know if the addiction occurs because people are masking the bipolar or that bipolar may lead to addiction.

When you say that your husband does not take charge of his medication does that mean he is not taking it or not taking it regularly. His ice addiction must have a huge effect on his medication.

I have bipolar and know how difficult it can be for loved ones.

I am concerned for you and your children. You need to have support for your health and well being. Are you seeing a counsellor.? You are coping with a lot, no wonder your stress levels are high. I know you are thinking the best for you and your boys.

I know I used to manipulate people when I was well and they believed I was ok, until I became sick again. I was in denial for a long time but now I can see what damage I did.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Come in here and post whenever you need to.

Quirky

Hi Charlee,

I also have bipolar2, depression, dysthymia, anxiety, deep vein thrombosis and other issues.

Your husband is living on the edge. His ice addiction and his mental illness has driven you away. Cant say I blame you, the sad thing is- he cant be blamed either.

And that the other sad fact, that various components that are mandatory for a strong marriage like empathy, respect, cooperation, responsibilities and calm...all fly out the window as the relationship erodes away. Such is obvious in your case as your words explain it all.

Now add a few more issues like his defiance, denial, anti Drs, separation from his kids, loss of full time fatherhood and ....you have an explosive situation.

Imo his greatest loss is your friendship, if he has indeed lost that because even though its his illness, your support to him would have been priceless.

Im hoping you can hold onto any friendship left and drop off those bad intolerant memories so you can heap praise on his positives...like him being a good dad.

Im not suggesting you shouldnt have left him. Im suggesting to dig deep to be compassionate, a tough ask but a fair one.

Life as a bipolar is fragile. 1 in 5 take their own lives. Care for yourself and just be kind.

Google

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

Topic: is there room for stubborness- beyondblue

you might get something out of those.

Tony WK

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Charlee123~

I'm replying to your latest post as well as the one here.

I'm very sorry for your situation and can only wonder at your strength in carrying on. You are right is saying you are in an abusive relationship and that you are treated badly and all your efforts are not acknowledged.

While you might love you husband he is simply not doing his part, but giving you grief instead. It is no wonder that you have no encouraging words for him, or that you suffer from anxiety and are always tired.

I'm not suggesting you leave, or stay. What I am saying is that for things to improve at all your husband needs both competent and continuing medical treatment for his bipolar and his diabetes. In addition he needs help with his drug habit. Without all that I can only see things getting worse, even the diabetes untreated by itself has consequences.

Sadly I've no idea how to get your husband to do this. From your latest post I'm guessing he did not make is appointment on the 23rd, is that the case?

There is a temptation when told things repeatedly to think some of the things he says are true, or that in some way you are letting him down. That is simply not the case. From your description of your life many would have walked out years ago. Working, bringing up the kids and looking after him is a huge task.

You said you were on meds, please keep in close contact with your doctor so if you need your regime altered it will happen quickly. Can your parents help you at all even if you cannot stay at their place?

You know you can talk here as much as you'd like, we understand and do care

Croix

Charlee123
Community Member

Thankyou for your words. He has another appointment booked for the 23rd so friday. I feel like emailing his dr with my concerns. Is that a positive idea or would it set things back further?

Just an update he is now taking his diabetes meds.

He still feels disconnected from us. He said he wants to stay but he things he's seen from me are worse. I just cannot talk to him. To say help me around the house or with kids. Apparentlyi need to push myself to death in order to prove myself or something like that. In fact i took washing off the line this morning before going to work didnt put it away and now im the bad wife as its a simple job (one hes never done btw) and it upsets him cause i never listen or do what he says...yeah sure ill fit it in after making lunches breakfast getting kids ready myself ready and out the door so i get the kids to school and me to work. He cannot see what i actually do nor does he help. He threatens to leave and at this stage it would be a sad but welcome relief. Hes hard on himself.... and harder on me. Love shouldnt come with this many rules or expectations. Anyway thats my vent.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Charlee123~

No, love should not come with so many rules and hassles - or be so one sided. You seem to be doing everything and being blamed too.

If he goes to the appointment I guess that might be a start.I think that a doctor does need to have some idea of the facts, and I've no idea if your husband gives him a clear picture or glosses over things - what do you think?

As a result if you think the doctor is in the dark I would let his doctor know firstly the matters you have set out here (forward your posts might be an easy way to do i)t, and I'd also say I was available to discuss the matter if the doctor wished.

Now it may well be possible when his doctor mentions this to him he may be resentful and not continue with the appointment. I guess you have to form your own judgment.

I can exactly understand what you mean about a welcome relief. While you are doing a tremendous job keeping things together you are not a bottomless well of strength. Sadly I wonder if all that strength and effort is worth it in the long run. You are entitled to a decent life too..

Croix