Depressed alcoholic unwell mother

[Belle95]

my mother has always been a drinker, during my younger years I didn’t notice it as much although from about 15 years old I stared to realise and understand the effects more. she would become angry, confussed and emotional it was somethjbg I just got use to. It would cause a lot of fights between her and my father as well as with myself and brother. Although the morning after was a total different story she would always be up early, productive at work, cooking cleaning etc like a “normal” mother. She would never be hung over or act as though anything had happened the previous night although as soon as it hit that 5 pm mark it would begin again.

my Mum then got diagnosed with a blood cancer, it was a tough time for her and the family, she started treatment and things went well. Although it did come back, she then would continue trying different treatments some worked others didn’t, during these couple years her drinking did begin to get worse, as did her whole outlook on life. I know my mother is depressed, she is not suicidal although her entire outlook on life is not great. She has no positive thoughts, it’s constantly “I’m ugly”, I’ve got cancer, I’ve got no friends” and it’s as though no matter how good things are she cannot get herself out of the sad state, which ofcourse is why she is drinking so heavily. My dad along with other family members have tried countless times to talk to her about these issues and to get her help although if it’s in the morning she completely denies/ ignores them and usually just begins drinking again I still live at home although I do work full time , so I am coming home each evening to her usually smashed with no clue what’s going on, and I am getting to the point now that I can’t do it I can’t keep watching her like this. It’s also a constant worry when she’s alone as she does fall over quite a bit, she has injured herself a number of times from drinking, also after all her treatments she is quite frail and is prone to infection so even one small cut usually means an infection and antibiotics. I’m just at the point where I am so scared If I don’t do something now something bad will happen. Being 23 I do also have my own life, as mentioned I do work full time, and as selfish as it may sound in this situation I do want to be able to concentrate on me whether that be my love life, travel etc although when I think of that stuff my immediate thoughts are no you can’t you need to get you Mum better

thanks

[PamelaR]

Hello Belle

Welcome to Beyond Blue Forums. It's good to see you've found your way here. There are many supportive and caring people who respond to posts such as yours.

It is certainly a very difficult time for you. I feel for you and the things you have to live with in your life. You are so young and you have your life in front of you. I don't have any easy answers I'm sorry.

We always think that our parents are the ones who are their to help, love, care and support us. In your instance, it is different. I find that a little sad. I also can relate to it because my mother suffered significantly from a number of mental illnesses but never had treatment. It was extremely difficult to live with. I must confess, I packed up and left the city. Moved interstate to get away. I was unable to help her because she did not or could not do help herself. In those days, mental illness was not commonly discussed or diagnosed as it is today. Had it been then things may have been different for her.

So I can feel for you. I do understand how you must be hurting. For me, I would ask - why is it you feel responsible for getting your Mum better? I don't think you are. You can help support, give your love and care for her. She has been the way she is for some time now. Ultimately, your Mum has to make some choices for herself. You haven't said how old she is. She could live for a quite a number of years yet and during that time, you put your life on hold to stay around. The more you stay around, maybe the less inclined she is to do anything positive for herself. Just something to think about. What I say is only from my own experience in life.

Have you seen your GP to discuss your health and maintaining a good lifestyle for yourself? You could perhaps also discuss her illness as well to find out anything about it that you don't already know?

Your GP may think you could benefit from seeing someone to talk about you and how you are managing.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[geoff]

Hi Belle, and please let me welcome you to the site and thanks for posting your comment.

Pamela has offered some good advice and I do agree with her when she says 'the more you stay around the less inclined your mum will do anything positive for herself'.

When I was suffering from depression, I was being called an alcoholic and what anyone tried to do to help me, I rejected it all, now I only drink socially, but the label has stuck.

You can't help an alcoholic if they don't want to help themselves.

You work full time, you are young, enjoy your life, concentrate on yourself, life passes us so quickly as I was discussing this with my son yesterday, but I can't turn back the clock, I would love to, but it's impossible. Geoff.