At a loss

[Tired_and_confused]

My exbf broke up with me because he said he was feeling bad all the time. He said he needed to make changes in his life, but the only thing he changed was breaking up with me. We still talk everyday often more than oncea and we see each other a couple of times a week. He says is depressed and has ADHD. He also smokes a lot of marijuana. Sometimes he says he doesn't think he's depressed, but sooner than later he says he's depressed again. It's been over a year since we broke up and nothing has changed, we're just not together. I feel like when he's not with me he's fine. He works hard, spends time with his family (although that's not too often) and seems to do plenty of social activities, none of them with me. The only time I see him is one on one. It feels like it's just with me he feels unhappy, so I don't really know why he still wants me in his life? He gets annoyed if I care, but if I stop asking if he's ok, he opens up and tells me he's not. It's so confusing and exhausting. I'm at a loss with what to do. I want to be there for him, but I can't keep feeling like it's only with me. I'm tired.

[Croix]

Dear Tired and confused~

Welcome here, this arrangement will have taken a real toll on you, and can seem to be a sort of half-way stage, without the whole-hearted life of a couple, while at the same time great personal intimacy is share - at least by him. You have given a clear picture of some sort of personal support service, where you provide the emotional support allowing him to live a separate life using this as a foundation.

Must work for him, he has not tried to change it for a long time. However it is in fact terribly unfair on you and shows a great disregard for you and your needs. No wonder you are confused and tired.

Wanting to be there for him is all very well, however do you want to use up your life in this no-future situation? Even just looking at his position, not using cannabis and getting professional help would seem the best thing, not relying on you.

I would think in your case the best thing would be to look to your own needs, and develop a healthy relationship where support and care is mutual with someone else.

Trying to cope with all this will have been hard, and now if you were to make a change to your life that may well be hard too. Do you have anyone to give you support? A family member, mum or dad, or a friend you can talk frankly to who will care and want to help? It can make a real difference.

OK, I've given a suggestion based on what you have said, what are your thoughts?

Incidentally if you have a look around this Forum you will find others who have been in similar situations.

Croix