Adult children with anxiety and gender issues

[Jetrd]

Hi, we have a child (early 20's) living with us who has withdrawn from society and is not working and has very limited friends. We have looked at all the government help and even private but now there is a wall up between us that stops all........all conversations. We are struggling with direction on any level. It seams any conversation will end up as a fight and we need help.

[Jetrd]

Thanks, we have tried with success in the past but not these days as this child is in their early 20's.

Would you like to go for a drive....No. what about going......No. Can I help you with anything?......did I ask for your help?

My shoulders drop and I walk away

[Jetrd]

The communication is never going to be electronic because that can be ignored (currently most of mine is like this now).

[Jetrd]

Hi Sara,

Just escalated fairly quickly as I have a belief that there is a real comfort zone in play and I was looking to challenge the boundaries a bit for their benefit but that was obviously too much.

I asked something regarding the future and that set off a mood that ended with me needing to apologize for things that were taken out of context (very regular senario). In the real world we are getting spoken to in ways that are not good considering we financially support them. We did wonder if we pushed for rent etc if that would make it worse or motivate and make it better.

Is it ok if you use a gender specific term like he or she? - No, this is bad for us so we dont. Not sure how it became such a tender subject because we have supported the change from when it was first discussed. For your reference F>M

[Just Sara]

Hi again Jet;

It seems kindness doesn't work so well. Giving in to the millennium generation has become the norm as they can be quite manipulative, stubborn and apparently 'entitled' to everything but the kitchen sink without giving anything in return.

Mine's 27 and acted like I was the one in 'his' debt. Hmm.. So I told him he has my total commitment to his independence a few yrs ago. No more money, visits or favours. He's on his own except for emergencies.

I also read him the riot act the 'last time' he was rude and aggressive with me. I think I used the term; "..will NOT tolerate anymore.." and "If you ever..." a few times while I was nearly frothing at the mouth. I didn't wait for an answer either; very out of character for me. I'd had enough and just snapped.

Since he's been doing things for himself, he's far easier to talk with and even faces adversity with a good dose of optimism. Who would'a thunk?! lol

'You're' never to old to learn hun. Ha ha.. It's not the kids that need to change; it's us! Arrogance has no gender bias either. They all push boundaries and if you're not ready with a game plan, it ends up with them training parents to be just where they want you. You know what I mean?

I'm interested to see what you think about my 'tough love' experience.

With the overnight change issue, I still think a psych would be best at digging away at it. Sudden changes could be due to a variety of factors from simple hormonal changes to difficult life experiences.

It only took one sentence for my son to stew away for months. I had to poke him a few times before he let it out. Big misunderstanding! Whew!

Take care of you too btw; take in a movie or walk on the beach to remind yourself of your own independence at least once a week. You deserve it!

Sez

[Jetrd]

Oh Sez, what can I say to that. Suddenly feeling like we are not the only ones dealing with this behavior. Thank you as well for thinking of us. We have a good network of support plus we get out and travel most weekends.

Yes the entitled should be for those who have worked hard to get what they have not to those having it supplied.

The tough love is coming I believe but we are just try to see if there is any other way to offer help due to the anxiety being social anxiety. I am the parent that will supply the tough love and they know that because it has happened before with the other siblings with good results.

Is there any help within the government system that you know of? We want ours to register for centrelink to help with independence and motivation to move into the adult world where you are accountable for your actions.

Thanks so much for your response it gives me renewed energy to pushforward some more.

[Jetrd]

You're' never to old to learn hun. Ha ha.. It's not the kids that need to change; it's us! Arrogance has no gender bias either. They all push boundaries and if you're not ready with a game plan, it ends up with them training parents to be just where they want you. You know what I mean?

This paragraph sumed it up for me. Yes I know what you mean , perfectly.

[Just Sara]

It's sort of reassuring for me too not feeling alone in my struggles. My early parenting style was based on a lot of guilt which led to overcompensating. A hard lesson indeed and even harder to come back from.

Yes, feeling naturally entitled is the new millennium curse for young people. As parents we don't have prior experience with this as our generation focused on long term security and taking adversity on the chin. Problems are the same, but strategies and coping skills aren't.

In NSW they rolled out the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) a yr ago. It's had its teething problems, but seems to be doing ok now.

Once registered with the NDIS, which requires a lot of evidence, programs and services are claimed thru individual case management. It's a good program if it's applied well with the right assessor and programmer. They're much more helpful than Centrelink and can focus on gaining employment and housing as well.

Social anxiety can be helped thru Exposure Therapy, (ET) though participants need to be willing to engage and slowly push boundaries. I'm not sure if your child has the motivation.

CBT's the first port of call but can take a long time to resolve issues; combining the two therapies can be beneficial though.

I'm really glad you get out and enjoy life. That's a plus for sure..

Not sure if I've been helpful, but hopefully my post has some wisdom to pass on.

Take care;

Sez