a partner who is a veteran and has CPTSD

[Lily2_s]

I am new to this forum. I am so confused and desperate to get valuable information or some kind of advice as my partner is not ready to talk yet. My partner and I have been living on the same roof for 1 year. We had lived at my house for 1 month and then he decided to buy a bigger house so we can start a family. Right, in the beginning I have a gut feeling but I challenged it because he had come a long way and did his best. I noticed since we live on the same roof he stop trying and he became worst when we moved to the house we bougth together 6 months ago. Two months after we moved in last Christmas he wanted to have a break as he was struggling mentally. I wasn't aware he was struggling and I took it personally. Since then he has been out 3x or 4 x a week overnight or up until midnight. He won't communicate with me where his location in the beginning. I put up boundaries and he wouldn't be able to follow through. I filled the gap in my mind I thought he has an affair. I caught him a few times sleeping at his drinking buddies house who is a single woman. I'm not sure if he has an affair. He started to lie and so many excuses and at the end I found out he would fell asleep at his mates place due to intoxication. He has been hiding his issues and not completely honest with me. He broke my trust. I wanted to have a family and I am now 44 but if his behaviour is like this I don't think I can stay. It is against my values to drink excessively. He tried to reduce in the past but last Christmas since his treatment for Ptsd was paused because they have to focus his back issue and also his mental health has deteriorated . My needs aren't meet and the arguments did not help.  I feel so lonely and unloved in a relationship and I would like to start a family before it is too late. I would like to continue supporting him but at the same time I am in a point that my mental health has been affected and Im not happy in a relationship as he doesn't communicate for me to understand. I think in the beginning he thought I was being judgemental because he would spend 6-8 hours at the pub. It is very challenging to deal with. Despite, his flaws he is a wonderful person and I do love him but I feel like it is not good for me in a long term . He is good with my mum who is visiting us from overseas, also to my brothers family and his friends. Recently, I moved my stuff at the other room because I was upset when I saw him drinking excessively when we went away on a holiday. I get triggered as he made a lot of promises but it has been broken. I know he didn't want a conversation that evening but I insisted which it didn't do well. I mentioned that he should seek help with his drinking because I really think he struggled to handle it himself. He is working as a chauffeur to minimize his drinking but still I think he drinks more and when he drinks he is not taking his evening meds. Recently, he had medication overdose as he was distracted and admitted to hospital. Post admission, he saw me very emotional and he said we will have conversation when he comes back from interstate. I am hoping he would attend the connected couples group program. He is not keen to attend the couples counselling. I said to him we try before deciding to separate, but it seemed he is moving on. Is that normal for a guy who has PTSD to become cold against me by the time he wanted a break and until now? I gave him timeline in July I need consistency.Thank you for reading this and I need your valuable thoughts.

[Serge]

Reading your post, I honestly felt the exhaustion and heartbreak in it. I can relate to the experience of loving someone deeply while slowly losing yourself trying to hold everything together around them. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve shown a lot of patience, compassion and understanding, especially towards his PTSD and mental health struggles. But at the same time, your own emotional wellbeing has been carrying a very heavy load too. I think sometimes when we care about someone who is struggling, we can unintentionally start minimising our own pain because we’re so focused on helping them survive theirs. I’ve learnt the hard way that love and support alone can’t fix things if the other person isn’t communicating openly or consistently taking steps towards help themselves. PTSD can absolutely cause people to withdraw, become emotionally numb or disconnected, but it still doesn’t erase the impact the behaviour has on the people who love them. You deserve honesty, emotional safety, consistency and a relationship where your needs matter too. Wanting that does not make you selfish or judgemental. I really hope the conversation happens when he returns, but I also hope you continue listening to your own instincts and protecting your mental health in the process. You’ve been carrying a lot for a long time.