How to help my Dad with his mental health

[Windi]

My Dad is 65 and last year tried to take his life twice. He has been a resident in a Mental Health facility for a while followed up by home visits that at first were every day then reduced over the course of the year. 
For the last year he has not worked( mainly due to the fact he cut his arm quite severely so had to have a few operations to reattach tendons etc), he never wants to leave the house to the point where he won’t go for his psychologist appointments or regular Drs appointments. His mental health team are aware and have had to change his medication a couple of times. His team have told him to try and get a routine of going to bed at a similar time and waking at a set time but he is staying up late and or getting up late. When he wakes he is not nice to be around and he is not great until the afternoon. My Mom is 78 and is trying to understand and be there for him but it is starting to be a drain on her. He constantly picks at her and moans about everything. She got a puppy as she was so tired of being “alone” but he didn’t want the dog. I think she thought it might give him a reason to go out and take her for walks. He says he has no motivation for anything. Last Xmas he didn’t come to our house so my Mom had lunch with us and took some back for him. Obviously we understood but the kids wondered where he was. 
Before this he was always working, doing jobs round the house and now it’s all down to my Mom. I live close by so call every day and go to the house every other day, more if I’m needed. 
They should both be living their best lives as my Mom is retired and my Dad was planning to be semi retired before this happened. I just don’t see an end to this and feel helpless. Any ideas?

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome here to the Support Forum. It sounds like your mum , and you, are having a very difficult, worrying and stressful time, and no doubt you may feel helpless.

To live with or try to care for someone who is has been suicidal, is unpleasant, not motivated, feels pointless and refuses to leave the house is not something that you can go on doing forever without support for both your mum and you. There is only so much a person has to give before they are empty if they try alone. Can I suggest you both seek assistance, either via your GP or a counselor, it can make a real difference.

It may not be possible to understand exactly what he is going though or his thoughts. My partner was not able to but was a comfort in that she kept on trying and in the back of my mind I knew she was there for me. So if you feel you are not doing things right by not understanding don't feel bad.

I have found when depression is bad then my mind is full of hopeless thoughts and there is no room or energy to interact with anyone, so I tried ot drive them away.

As to what to do, I guess if he does not wish to go out to his medical appointments maybe Telehealth can be arranged. Other than that if you can find anything at all that sparks his interest then encourage him try and do it with him as a friend rather than a daughter

I am sure your visits may not seem to help him, though as I said there may be hidden comfort there. I would be pretty sure they are a help to your mum, who otherwise might have ot face everything all alone.

If you would like to talk more you would be very welcome

Croix

[smallwolf]

hello.

I hope you will get to see this. My dad went downhill after a couple of the illnesses... and part of this was that things he used to be able to do were no more. He had lost his sense of purpose I guess. And... losing hearing also made him not want to go out either. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't really know the impact of things until they happen. On the flip-side when I went to their house I know (?) he appreciated the company, even if there was little chatter.But it did also provide time to talk as well. And sometimes about his early days. For example, he did say once that he always had low self-esteem. Now, if he had said some of these sort of things much earlier...

Maybe my suggestion is to embrace the opportunities you have being together, and little by little the conversations you have will help him come out a little more.