32 year old sister is dependent on me

[jess19_]

Hi guys, just hoping to connect with people in similar situations. My older (32yr old) sister has always experienced bad anxiety and recently started to experience depression. She lives alone (by choice), only has older friends she made back in school (who live away/live busy lives), she is stressed in her job and has 0 hobbies. I have always had to support her growing up but in last 6 years she has become very reliant on me for support, social support and just general things in life. I have lots going on eg university, completing pracs, wedding planning, demanding job, hobbies, my own mental health issues and caring for my 2 elderly grandparents. I feel VERY burnout out at the moment and Im struggling to not resent my sister because of the pressure for me to fulfil her needs. Sometimes I feel like I am somewhat fulfilling roles that would normally be done by parent, partner or counsellor. I speak to my counsellor about this issue but I feel like I will be stuck in this situation and I am completely drained. It is starting to impact my relationships as it takes away my time/energy and impacts my mood. I dont feel like her life will ever change and therefor she will be dependent/reliant on me for support. Its not like I can say no to supporting her because there is no one else and her depression is severe at the moment. I am starting to have increasing resentment towards her (but have to hide it) as I feel really bad because she needs support. I just feel like she does not/has not taken steps in life to better her life (due to anxiety) but then complains about not having a partner, not getting to social events etc. I look at my friends/partner and I they do not seem to have this added pressure/responsibilities surrounding their siblings. My father has also always had mental health issues but never accessed help which has been exhausting, my mum has also recently has some issues going on. I just dont know where to go from here, I am drained (and dont see this situation ever changing). I cant just give up on my sister but it is majorly impacting my life and me moving forward with my life.  Thanks 

[therising]

Hi jess19_

Wow, to say you have a lot going on is an understatement, based on what you say. Sounds like you're bordering on mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. I'm wondering who's looking after you, as you serve everyone around you.

There's an old saying that goes 'Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime'. In other words, a person can be reliant on us to give them what they need or we can teach them how to become self reliant. Sometimes this can involve the 'tough love' approach. I know, easier said than done in some cases, especially when someone's not receptive to the ways in which we're teaching them/loving them to life. For example, we could say to a loved one 'I'll sit with you and teach you how to meditate on ways of calming your nervous system until you are able to begin practicing this on your own' or 'I'll go with you to group meditation meetings, where you'll meet others who are all aiming for the same goal, and then you will practice the skill of attending on your own'. That loved one may simply say 'I don't want to do these things on my own. I want you to always do them with me'. For one reason or another, they may flat out refuse to become self reliant or self sufficient (perhaps out of fear). The tough love approach may sound like 'You have 2 months with which to learn and achieve self sufficiency of this nature. Either you take me up on my offer or struggle for the rest of your life with being reliant on others. You can either develop skills and abilities or develop no skills and abilities. You can either master what is challenging or continue with what is easiest for you. With so much going on in my life, I need you to begin mastering this challenge for your sake and mine. You can do this, I have faith in you'. As I say, easier said than done, to become a dictator or matter of fact kind of director (giving someone a solid sense of direction). Such an approach definitely doesn't make us popular.

I'm wondering whether it may pay to begin by giving your sister a challenge that she may basically struggle with, not intensely struggle with. 'I'll teach you how to manage this challenge, with my support. Then I'll lead you to manage it on your own'. Once she can largely manage it on her own, this becomes proof to her that she's capable of more than she imagines. Maybe then you can begin to work with her imagination, tweaking it here and there (leading her to open her mind a little more). Whether any of this will work for your sister, only you know, as you probably know her better than anyone else. Btw, I'm assuming she feels a lot of what runs through her imagination, especially worst case scenarios. The imagination's a powerful thing, hence the need to tweak in on occasion.

jess19_, as a mum who did her 20yo son with level 1 autism no favours (by doing just about anything that would lead him to not feel stress when he was younger), what I didn't allow him to do was develop certain skills and abilities that can initially come with some stress. It's now a matter of pushing him to develop certain skills and abilities while helping him manage the potentially stressful elements. At 32, it may be more challenging for your sister to learn at this stage of her life but she has to learn otherwise you and her will continue to suffer through a lack of her self development. The question becomes 'Who's going to be her teacher or who's going to be the most constructive teacher for a student with intense anxiety issues (someone who feels so much)?'. 

I feel for you jess, I really do. Don't forget to BREATHE, during such an overwhelming breathtaking time in your life.❤️

[therising]

Hi jess19_

Forgot to mention one self loving tip and I hope you do this already. It's okay to say to people 'I need to be left alone...'. To add to that

• to be able to gather my thoughts and make greater sense of things and/or reorganise my priorities  
• to be able to catch my breath
• to be able to clear my mind and sometimes escape from responsibility
• to be able to focus on this thing and that thing only (instead of everything at once)

etc. We should never be feeling a sense of guilt when it comes to much needed time on our own for whatever reason/s. Whether the time is needed to relax out of work or stress or it's felt as a sense of self development, on occasion it's definitely needed and well deserved.

[Doors24]

Hi jess19_,

 I can read and empathise that you have a lot going on and that when all combined together is so overwhelming and valid.I have read the other replies and support their opinions. I was just wondering if you may have had a chance to possibly have looked at it from the other side? 

Does your sister know she is overwhelming you? Have you had a real and serious conversation with her and expressed, in a non confrontational way, that you are worried about her? Or that you aren’t able to support everyone in your family at the one time, and may just need to back off of a few things a level or two, not completely. Perhaps she could help you with a few things in your life like wedding planning or your grandparents.

When I have had real level headed and gentle conversations with people and gotten them to open up, they have sometimes expressed to me that they feel like a burden to me. But they have nowhere else to go and that is why they depend on me or others so much.

I can totally understand why and how you might fear a conversation like this wouldn’t go well. But it is not about pointing out flaws or telling that person to get out of your life. It is about sharing your feelings. And you may know the best way to approach that type of conversation with your sister.

You may just be a beckon of hope for your sister. Living a life that she may want to similarly enjoy. So she sticks close to you. And feels safe to talk about herself with you.

Family relationships are so important, I hope you can find a medium that works for you both. Just the longer you keep it all inside, the worse a conversation can escalate when you come to have that talk. I am not judging you, but if you can’t see the situation changing, you maybe able to see a different perspective on small bits of it.

Here to talk,

Doors24