Would anyone care?

[Guest_2350]

Hey,

my last suicide attempt is over 2 years ago and I’m so frustrated that nothing has changed. I know the world is not just about me, far from it, but I don’t feel I can talk about how I feel, get some supportive words and not get taken away by an ambulance. I still find it incredibly hard to navigate my thoughts and feelings within this world without getting locked up. I still have feelings and I don’t want to be palmed off. It’s all just pretty talk about RUOK and mental health; but nothing changes. I remember when I was close and I felt as abandoned as I did as a child. It makes me incredibly sad and angry because two of my friends lost their lives the year I let attempted. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi there, Guest_2350

Thank you very much for reaching out to us again in the forum community! It has been a little while.

We are sorry to hear that things are still difficult for you, and on anniversaries and times of importance, it can really feel hurtful and exhausting. Are you dealing with everything alone at the moment? Many services will try their best to support and hold space for you without emergency services being involved, though they often have to reach out for extra help if they are fearful for your safety.

If you are feeling fairly safe at the moment, but still need to talk, we would love to have the opportunity to help! You can call 1300 22 4636, or find the webchat at https://www.beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat

Another wonderful service that can help in your situation is Standby (https://standbysupport.com.au/) who specialise in supporting people who have lost loved ones and friends to suicide, and we hope they might be exactly what you need!

We hope to hear from you soon, Guest_2350

Regards,

Sophie M.

[Guest_2350]

Sorry Sophie. I’m ok. Just upset.

[Sophie_M]

No apologies ever needed, Guest_2350, just checking in! 

Thank you for letting us know you are ok! Upset is completely understandable,and we are glad you are reaching out during a hard moment. Please keep us in the loop.

Regards,

Sophie M

[Guest_2350]

I’ll talk to my gp in the morning. I’m not feeling right. I’ll be safe tonight.

[therising]

Hi Guest_2350

I feel for you so deeply as you face the overwhelming disappointment and heartbreak that can come with depression and especially the heartbreak and grief that can come with losing those you care about so much.

I've found that open and honest conversations are almost impossible to have (when it comes to depression) without people stressing or panicking out about the feelings and revelations we can experience at times. It can be a very different experience when the group having such conversations are all on a similar page. A group of mutually supportive depressed people can suddenly become a group of open minded philosophers.

The questions asked within such a group that works to make sense of everything can sound a little like 'What is the point in being here? What is the point of life? What is the point of so much sufferance? How are we meant to manage it all? Why is life so impossibly hard at times? What are we meant to do when we just don't want to be here anymore? How are we meant to manage? What is life really all about' and the questioning continues. Such a group does not necessarily panic about how each other is feeling. It becomes more a philosopher's circle, asking the deeper questions most people don't choose to ask or a forced to ask in life.

I think we should be encouraged to question the hell out of life without people panicking. After all, isn't finding heaven on earth the ultimate goal?

I believe open minded questioning is a part of the quest to better understand our self and our connection to life or sometimes our sense of disconnection from it.

[Guest_2350]

Hi therising 

what is the point of life, of living?

I’ve died long ago and live for others. I live for others the way they need to see me. I have their photos to remind me. I wonder if it would be better for them to move on and let go of my memory. I don’t know why I have to deal with myself just for others. I’m so tired of myself. 

What is life really about? I don’t make a difference in this world. I have no children, I can’t contribute to society since I became ill… 

[therising]

Hi Guest_2350

I think the point of life is firstly to feel it, to feel our connection to it. From my own experience, I'd say this is the reason why depression is so incredibly painful, why it's so brutal. We are feeling life and it can feel like nothing other than torture.

I've wondered on occasion whether we're meant to feel depression so as to know we're actually in a depressing challenge. How else would we know we're in such a challenge? Once we sense it, feel it, then it becomes a matter of getting a sense of how to graduate to higher levels of consciousness above and beyond it. Problem is if we can't do it our self, make sense of it, and there are no good guides around us, we can find our self stuck in it, completely lost for years in some cases. I wish I'd had this take on depression during 15 long years of facing it. That's a long time to be lost, simply being led to believe 'That's life. Some people are prone to depression'. It was what followed after coming out of those years in depression that led me to this conclusion about the ways we are designed to feel life on so many levels. I found the benefit of episodic depression comes down to having periods of clarity in between, a benefit not there in long term depression. How are we meant to graduate to higher levels of consciousness, of self understanding, without periods of clarity with which to do it? Sometimes good guidance from others is a must.

'I'm so tired of myself' or 'I'm so sick and tired of myself' are highly significant phrases. Throw a 'because' in there and it becomes 'I'm so sick and tired because of myself'. 'What self would that be?' is the question. Is it your true self you're working with or a sense of self that has been developed to please others? A false sense of self. Would a fair statement be 'I'm so tired of not being my true self'? This begs the question 'Do you know who you truly are?'.

I recall a couple of the questions I asked myself the day I came out of long term depression many years ago. It was 'Who am I? Who am I without depression?'. The revelation, 'I have absolutely no idea who I truly am'. Life began from there.

[Rarra]

Hey Guest_2350,

your post really resonated with me. Sometimes I also feel like I'm not able to reveal my full feelings for fear that it will scare the person I am divulging them to...with nowhere for them to go, it can feel so exhausting and lonely and like I want to get out of my own skin. I want you to know you're not alone in your feelings, and your pain is shared. 

It can feel hard to find someone I trust when I'm feeling at my lowest, but there are a couple of people I know who can handle them without panic and guide me back to calmer waters. In saying that, I sometimes get the sense that no matter how much I talk about these feelings with others, I'm not feeling much better.

You are clearly resilient, recovering from an attempt is so raw and painful. Thinking of you today.

[Guest_2350]

Hi therising 

there are interesting questions you ask. I will answer one completely independent of any relation to mental illness because identity or sexuality are not a mental illness. I don’t know who I would be. I was raised to be a girl though I’m not. I don’t know if I would feel better if people knew that I don’t identify with my gender assigned by birth. I know a lot about who I am or rather was but this is an integral part of myself that I don’t talk about, that I can’t celebrate with anyone or cry about. Paired with mental illness and other health issues I, as a whole, do not feel included in this world. I would not be able to keep any of my real life connections if I came out. So thinking about who I am is difficult. 

My self itself is fractioned. There are 3 of me that are significant enough to impact my life. I don’t like living with them, maybe with one that identify most with. I’ve learnt to recognise them and mainly try not to give them any space. 

I agree about not noticing depression. I don’t recognise depression in myself even when I keep mood diaries. I have mixed episodes that make me feel crazy in my head but not what I think depression is. I don’t know if hospitals just diagnose people with depression as a K10 and standard questionnaire cannot cover the multitude of mental illness that are presented. I don’t think I’ve ever suffered from a lasting depression unless it was induced by medication that suppressed a mixed state. 

i have my feet on the ground, my chin out and tell the world to go away. Does it really matter if anyone cares? I’m angry tonight.