Suspected sleep apnea is making me consider suicide

[Samadhi-Enjoyer]

It's 3am and I woke up in the middle of the night for the second time in a row these past two days. I'm dead tired, constantly paranoid and nearly just wanna phone it in for this lifetime. And you know what? I feel ashamed for even feeling this way. Everyone else in my family supposedly has it, but I'm the only one struggling with it? How dare I! How dare I leave work early because I could barely stand! How dare I focus on my diet and lifestyle just to function like everyone else! How dare I, how dare I... 

The sleep clinic is taking forever to get back to me and I'm starting to think I'll never get that sleep study at all. I don't even know if I can afford it if it ever comes in. I've been desperately trying to find solutions to this but I'm just as clueless as I was a year ago, when I nearly completely botched my studies. I desperately want to believe there's hope but I'm finding it harder and harder to believe each night I wake up with a splitting headache or a dry mouth. I have such a clear and beautiful vision for what I want for the future but it just seems more and more like some whimsical fantasy cast up to cope with the life I have now. 

I don't know what I want to achieve from this post other than catharsis for having written this. I just know if I attempt to post this, I will regret it, if I don't, I'll regret that too! Kill myself and keep going, I will regret both of them. Get the sleep study or not, I will regret either way. This is no longer a matter of logic but faith at this point and it is with faith do I post this.

[therising]

Hi Samadhi-Enjoyer

First, I have to say I love the name. Enjoying the ultimate state of consciousness is a goal I strive for. Graduating to that point is definitely a challenge. I'm a 52yo gal who still has a ways to go 🙂

My advice would be definitely absolutely 100% get the sleep study done. You can order a basic at home sleep study kit to be delivered, for a start (if you're fed up with waiting). It's picked up and then sent back for the results to be studied and reported to you. I had one done through Resmed. It can indicate the severity of the sleep apnea.

Myself, I have mild to moderate sleep apnea and use an oral appliance. It changed my life. My sister was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. While I experienced a degree of mental and physical dysfunction in the lead up to being treated, I cannot believe how my sister was able to function given the pure exhaustion she faced. Eventually she had to resign from her job because she didn't have the mental and physical energy to manage the job or drive to it. She could barely function. She now has a cpap machine that has changed her life.

Sleep apnea can become seriously depressing for a number of reasons, one involving a depressing lack of all the important chemistry that's produced throughout good sleep, the kind of chemistry we really need. Another reason for it being depressing involves the internal dialogue that can come about. 'You're hopeless. You're lazy. You're so dysfunctional. You're good for nothing. Why can't you get your poop together like everyone else' and on and on it goes.

Some people can basically function with sleep apnea, typically when it's mild to moderate. Other people can't function, especially when it's moderate to severe. Don't beat yourself up for not being as functional as others for there could be a really good reason as to why you're suffering more than others. Could be based not just on the severity of it but also how long you've been trying to manage. Sleep apnea can wear you down over time.