Worthless

[Tanc]

So I don’t really understand why I can have a good day and be grateful for what I have yet constantly think about not wanting to be here anymore. So I read a quote last night that said “The hardest thing I’ve ever done is live when I don’t really want to”. 
A lot of the time I just wonder what the point is- I work my butt off, look after other people, ensure my kids have everything they need (attention, support, a place to just be who they want to be and feel free to talk to me about anything, all the love they need) but I feel like I don’t have anything to offer this world and this world has nothing to offer me!

I feel guilty about wanting to end things when I have the most gorgeous, helpful, respectful, loving children that I’m responsible for. I don’t know how I produced three gorgeous, well rounded children when I feel like a worthless piece of nothing myself.
I don’t know how to change the way I think.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Hey. I probably don't have much to say, but I can sit here with you.

You mentioned ... you felt you had nothing to offer the world. I am unsure of the next part strikes a chord with you, but for me when I felt that way, it was cause there was a disconnect between what I was doing and my values and beliefs. This was and is something that I have spoken with my psychologist about.

When you mentioned your children in the most loving ways, you also mentioned in the paragraph above about, and what sounds like, a great mother. And I know these things will not necessarily make you feel better. So I wonder what got you into this position of not wanting to be here. 

Have you been able to talk to anyone about what you have posted above? If not, then perhaps you might be able to talk with your GP? After all, you do deserve a happier life (don't mean everyday will be). That you were able to post here indicates a vulnerability and courage.

If you want to share what makes you think you have nothing to offer the world ... I am listening. Please do not feel as though you have to answer. From what I have read, you are a good person,

[Tanc]

I guess I just feel that I have given everything I’ve got to give. Always looked after someone else even when I was unwell. Always given my all to make sure they’re good ok. Just given so much I’ve got nothing left. Given so much and it still seems not enough.

Live my kids to the moon and back. I think they’d be ok without me but I want to be sure. I don’t want to be responsible for messing up their lives.

[therising]

Hi Tanc

I think one of the hardest times in life involves waking up to not wanting to do life anymore. Once the thought enters, the brain will begin to reason, to process. The pros and cons develop along with so many questions and so many emotions. It would have to be one of the most tormenting experiences.

From my own experience, I'd say one of the hardest parts of such a time comes down to the lack of people in our life who are prepared to wonder with us or reason with us, in ways we can really relate to. There are plenty who will shut the conversation down rather than open it up. You know the kind of comments that go a little like 'You can't say that' or 'You can't be thinking about that kind of stuff' or 'You just need to look for what brings you joy'. Of course, if we knew where to look we'd be joyful already.

Over the years, I've come to see elements of philosophy in depression. Those who face depression ask so many of the same questions asked by philosophers. 'What is the purpose of life/living? What is the point? Why are we/am I here? What is my purpose? Why do we/I feel so deeply to the point of sufferance?' and on it goes. They are some of the most soulful questions we could ask.

Waking up to a desperate need for answers is, in a way, being on the verge. There was life before (in the lead up), there will be life ahead (of a different kind). The verge is where the change happens. I've found it's where the greatest amount of questioning begins at the deepest of levels. It can be such a painful place to be at times and it can feel so incredibly lonely.

I'm so glad you've come here.