Will I Ever Feel Any Joy Again

[Guest_1573]

I am feeling quite desperate. I have had awful traumatic episodes in the last few years and I have tried to get help but nothing works.

I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and PTSD. It seems whatever I do is wrong. My life is just one debacle after another.

I am a single parent to an 18 year old son. He is very hard work. I have no support from anyone. I do not feel there is anything to look forward to. I lost my beloved dog on January 14 and that has destroyed me. I have spoken to doctors, counsellors, psychologists. What scares me is that nothing makes me feel better. I feel trapped with my son as he does not like his Dad and never goes there. He has me wrapped around his finger. I feel like a slave to him. My life is just one crap day to the next.

I wish I could just go away and be with my beloved dog and all my other darlings that I have lost over the years. Life to me is just a nightmare of dramas, tantrums, debacles, arguments... me giving in and spending a lot of money to keep my son happy....my darling dog made life bearable as she was the light of my life. Everyday we would go places and when we were home she was by my side constantly. She is gone and she went through horrible circumstances . I trust next to no one now and I really don't want to be here.

I do not need to be sent to a psych ward where I will be treated like a criminal. I need to have some peace and validation. I need my son to not be here. I need to be left alone! But this will never happen!! My son has manipulated everything to his advantage. He is the biggest problem in my life. Yes I am mourning my beautiful girl....I will mourn her forever. But having zero support from anyone and dealing with him and his crap daily ( and nightly...he wakes me up to ask for money for his game?????) is killing me. Yes I love him but I don't want him here right now and there is NO WAY OUT.

On top of this my health anxiety has reared it's ugly head. I am convinced I have cancer and the more I worry about it the worse the symptoms get. Then I think 'oh well I hate life anyway so it might be good as then I don't have to kill myself'. My rational mind tells me this is terrible. But the stress, anxiety, grief, drama etc I suffer everyday makes me feel that. Perhaps it is a safety mechanism. Basically my existence is pure misery. I probably do have/will get cancer as I smoke and drink a lot. That is all that is making me get through the days. I am an idiot.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Panicmerchant,
Thanks for reaching out this afternoon and sharing with us more about your situation and how you've been coping as of late.

We're sorry to hear about the tension existing between you and your son, we can hear you feel unsupported and overwhelmed at home. We can also hear how your struggles with health anxiety, depression, and the loss of your beloved dog have led to feelings of suicide. We acknowledge how hard this must be and the emotional exhaustion you may feel. We want to let you know that our community and Support Service is here to provide support and listen.

We would really urge that you get in touch with our Support Service to discuss some of the thoughts and feelings you've been experiencing. Our Support Service can help you to keep safe and to implement some anxiety-reducing strategies. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

You may also like to reach out to our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via webchat through the following link: https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (The online chat is available 7pm-12am). The Suicide Call Back Service is also available on 1300 659 467 or via webchat through their website: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/suicide-call-back-service-onl...

If there is anything else you'd like to share with us Panicmerchant, please feel free to do so. 

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

You sound in so much pain and anguish and I’m so sorry you feel this way. Losing a fur friend is massive, and it sounds like you’re not being given the space to grieve properly. That’s hard.

It also sounds as though you’ve tried many times to get help, and it hasn’t worked out for you. I dare say many of us here can relate to that. I once asked my GP if people ever get better, and her answer was yes. I think we need that little bit of hope to be able to go and try again.

I don’t think you’re an idiot. Far from it. You’re someone doing the best they can to manage difficult circumstances.

Please keep reaching out in whatever way you need to. Katy

[geoff]

Hello Panicmerchant, if your son has you 'wrapped around his little finger' may be a reason why you smoke and drink and using this as your weak point so he can control you.

I'm not necessarily saying you should stop but this may be all the leverage he needs to get his way, also if you are suffering from any type of depression he is taking advantage of this, which is not any help towards your recovery.

The loss of your beloved dog and 'in horrible circumstances' is awful, but does raise many questions, which I'm not going to ask at the moment but really sorry it happened as I'm a dog lover.

No one is suggesting you go to a ward but the issue with your son needs to be resolved and you are entitled to put an AVO on him so that he can't get anywhere near you and if he does then the police will be involved.

I know this may scare you from doing, but you need to hide any spare money you have in the house and his problem is only going to get worse, but you need some help and setting up an AVO would do this.

Tell him that he needs to leave, say that you're selling the house and moving into a one bedroom flat and he needs to find other accommodation, you have to try and convince him to move elsewhere.

There's much more I want to say to you but I have to be careful in what I say.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_1573]

Thanks Geoff

There is no way I can kick him out; there is nowhere for him to go. I am truly trapped with him. I do love him don't get me wrong. But he takes advantage of all my issues and he is incredibly immature and irresponsible.

My darling dog died of what we now think was a brain tumour. The reason I said 'terrible circumstances' was that I was constantly taking her to the vet and ringing them to voice my concerns and they palmed me off and said she had arthritis! So she suffered a lot more than if they had listened to me in the first instance! Poor darling dog. I am crying again as it was so awful and I miss her so much.

Back to my son...I have laid the rules out (for the millionth time). If he can't commit to school and being responsible there then he will go and stay at his grandparents (this is absolute last resort). So maybe he will start to act like a decent human being? It is all very hard and I truly don't see much of a solution other than him growing up and acting his age not his shoe size!