What's wrong with me?

[Andrew-L]

For as long as I can remember I have been quiet, I'm now 23 (turning 24 this year), have no friends, never been in a relationship or even kissed a girl. I have finished uni and struggling to find work, mostly because every time there is a question that asks for 'skills' I write in 'idiot' before promptly deleting it and replacing it with meaningless things like 'cash handling' or 'customer service'; not much to do with the graduate position i'm applying for but I have too much self doubt to write anything else, or rather I think I do (I may also just not have anything else).

Recently I started a new casual job and went to the pub with some co-workers (I only went because the workplace was shouting the dinner); normally I would just stay at home ( I did a few times). Like with my previous job they seamed fine to talk to women they met there and a few took them home, I don't know if its just me, but I feel as though its morally wrong to talk to women in public like that, that been said, I also feel like a pervert and sexual if ever I am attracted to any woman.

Given the character limit here are a few other things I do as dot points:

Talk shit to myself in the mirror ever day (how much I hate myself).

I have no real friends, we have all gone our separate ways, the one person I kind of talk to trys to avoid me, but I cling on just so I am not alone.

I am really annoying to talk to, I keep making dad jokes and it really drives people away after a while (as in literally all I say are dad jokes, I cant make conversation).

I spend my whole day playing single player PC games.

I can only talk to people if I have a few drinks in me, if I have a (1) 'friend' I know well and no one else around I can normally talk to them.

While I was at uni I had no friends there, I literally just went to class and straight back home.

I really cant handle social situations and often hide in the toilet.

At every stage in my life I though to myself, now it will be different, I will make some friends or get in a relationship, here at highschool/moving out/uni/first job/second job ect.

I studied a spud arts course that I know wont get me a job.

I'm not very attractive and people often find my voice irritating.

I would never harm myself, but I wish I was dead.

+more

All in all my dream is to one day own a home and have a family, but I really don't see those as actually possible anymore the way I am.

I was hoping that someone would know how to fix this or at least where to start.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Andrew-L,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to reach out and write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We're sorry to hear what you've been going through, it sounds like it must be so difficult to be struggling with these negative thoughts and feelings on your own. But please know that our kind and caring community are here to offer as much support, advice and coversation as you need during this difficult time- you're never alone here. We are also currently reaching out to you through email to check in with you and offer some extra support.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). The friendly counsellors are available to talk these feelings through anytime, day or night, and as often as you need whenever things are feeling overwhelming. Please know that you never have to keep these feelings bottled up inside.

We hope that you keep reaching out here on your thread and keep us updated on what you're feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Croix]

Dear Andrew-L~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. We are an understanding bunch as we have all gone through, or are going though all sorts of different hard times. That leaves one in a different place, non judgmental and able to pick up bits that are recognizable and say what they did or are doing.

Reading your account you seem to have difficulty with social interactions, even to the extent of avoiding them, and also have come to think little of yourself, maybe as a result.

I have an anxiety conditon that varies a little from yours, but most importantly I thought it was me, and my failure. I had no idea of anxiety as an illness, untreated as it was not recognized.

May I ask if you have obtained medical support? If not I'd strongly suggest you book an extended consultation with your GP and say all you have said above. Ask if this seems to be anxiety or some other similar illness and request treatment. In my case that was therapy with a shrink and medications

The proper medical support made a world of difference to me. It was slow to get going as I'd left things far too long but now I'm a different person

If you are getting treatment already I'd strongly suggest you go back and ask for it to be reviewed -it is not working

There is a world out there you can genuinely enjoy and people that will enjoy talking with you, it is your perception that is off track, forcing you to live a solitary and unhappy life

That arts course you mentioned, was that a BA, or was it something to do with producing art? A BA will help a great deal in getting a job as it shows ability and determination to get though and pass. An awful lot of graduates do not find employment in the discipline the studied, but the achievement at uni means a lot to a sensible employer

If you uni was something else and you then did an art course after for the enjoyment that's another thing. Doing something you are interested in and enjoy is always worthwhile

Have you considered getting professional help in writing job applications? I am hopeless at it and when I use a professional I'm amazed, it does not seem like me -though all of it is quite true - and has lead to success.

(One skill you have is setting out matters in a logical and economic style)

I too have wished I was dead, and even tried to take my life. Now there is no way I'd want to give up my life, it is simply too good. I suspect if I, who was a real mess, can be turned around then so can you.

Please come back here again

Croix