What do you do when a friend is so dependent that it's crushing you?

[ClockworkBlonde]

About three years ago, I noticed that an online acquaintance on the Xbox was struggling mentally so I reached out. Soon enough we were talking everyday on Messenger, in party chat or playing together. I started visiting him in QLD, he started visiting me in NSW. For all intents and purposes he was the closest friend I'd ever had.

About a year ago, he started exhibiting signs of intense jealousy and paranoia. Keeping tabs on me through game trackers, watching my activity, waiting until I was playing with other friends to start fights. He demands attention, so I have to stop what I'm doing to give it to him or I come back to 20 messages which can range from insulting and berating me to threatening self harm or suicide. The insults are along the lines of that I don't care about him at all, I'm a bad friend, all I do is lie and make excuses for myself, I'm replacing him. He latches on to simple semantics and will fight with me about it for hours. For example, I once told him I was just doing one more thing with another friend then I'll wrap things up to play with him. He timed me, then lambasted me with accusations as to why that thing took so long and why would I tell him I was wrapping things up if I wasn't.

I'm not oblivious, he's emotionally abusive and manipulative. I am his doormat. I in no way blame myself for anything he puts on me and I have made him aware that he manipulates and tries to control me through negative conditioning. We've had good talks about this and I know he actually cares for me, I've seen progress in his actions. He can be reasonable when he calms down, but when his emotions are getting the best of him I could be dying and his problems would still take precedence. No amount of reasoning and evidence will convince him that he's the problem, he will always play the victim.

I was already coping with several mental illnesses and a self-harm addiction, now with his unhealthy dependency on me I'm drowning. It's not as simple as blocking him because we share friends and he knows where I live. I don't even WANT to avoid him, I just want him to wake up to himself and be the friend I had for those two years. I've urged him to get professional medical help, but he refuses.

I want out of this situation some way, it's steadily declining my mental and physical health. But I've never been good at putting my own needs first. My walking away would mean more suicide threats, and I could not live with myself if he went through with it.

[Emmen]

Dear ClockworkBlonde,

"I've told him that there's no room in our friendship for me. He has responded to this with apologising that he's become somebody I can't open up to and telling me he wants me to share my feelings more." - It seems like everything you say becomes about him. That's a huge warning sign, especially when people who've known him in school also avoid him. He wants you to speak to him in a way that validates him, he doesn't want to know about your struggles because for him, this "friendship" is about him. You're his only friend because you're the only one who listens to him. And you do that because you have a lot of empathy, more than most people. You're someone who goes out of your way to help people, you're kind and you care about others. But he is taking advantage of that. Being called someone's mother and therapist is no compliment to you. Consider the responsibility that is implied in those roles. You don't deserve this, and nobody would fault you for ending this friendship.

You are not responsible for him. But you are responsible for yourself. In this instance, you need to put yourself first. What he chooses to do once you end the friendship is up to him, and it is in no way your responsibility. If you are unable to let go of this because of your concerns for his wellbeing, then the best you can do is to repeatedly suggest that he needs to see a therapist. Whether he does is his choice, but you at least planted that seed in his mind.

Kindly,
M

[Emmen]

Dear ClockworkBlonde,

I replied while you were typing your reply to me so I didn't see that when I hit post.

I just want to say that we're more alike that you think. I was like you, I couldn't let you. I just felt so awful about leaving him alone. I'm surprised I even found the strength in the end, but honestly, I couldn't have done it without the support from my friends who told me I was right in making that decision. I spoke to my mum about it too, and her fear for me made me realise that this situation was serious.

I guess the people in this forum are now like your friends. We support you and want you to end this for your own health. If you have others you can talk to, I'd strongly encourage you to. Maybe a non-mutual friend, a parent or a sibling?

Thoughts of how he is will continue to haunt you for a while (as it did for me), but as you recover, it gets better. You start realising how you were used by that other person. The guy I knew also kept talking of suicide. On hindsight, I've realised he was using that just to get my attention when I didn't give him enough attention. Seeing a counsellor yourself can also help.

You do have it in you, ClockworkBlonde.

Kindly,
M

[ClockworkBlonde]

I've told him to seek professional help many times. First money was the concern, so I pointed him to several websites where he could find free online counselling (he claimed he looked himself, and found nothing). It took a long time for him to actually try it, he did nothing but complain the whole time and he legitimately tried to get me to give him an answer to every question in the pre-counselling form. He used it once to my knowledge, before completely rejecting the idea. Sent me screenshots of the conversation, which I told him I didn't want because that's private. However I could see from those he sent me that the counsellor was getting frustrated with him because he could not tell them why he needed them. For the whole ordeal he was expecting me to articulate his feelings for him. I gave him permission to screenshot our fights and send them to the counsellor so they at least have something to work with. To my knowledge he never did this, though it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if they tried to advise him in a way he didn't like (any and all criticism = a personal attack), so he ditched them.

Now the issue has become money as well as "it won't work". He is of the same mind about seeing a doctor or psychiatrist for medical intervention. "It won't work", "What's the point", "It won't stop me feeling the way I feel". I've explained to him how medication works and it likely wouldn't eliminate these problems but could equip him with what he needs to cope with them better, and even that would be a big improvement on his life and mine. Still a no go, "What's the point". It may have been wrong of me but I asked him if he wouldn't seek help for himself then to please try for my sake, that did not go down well.