Not the sort of person who would post here

[Bhxhvieoiwbxh]

Hey,

If you knew me personally then you would know that I am not the sort of person who would contribute to a forum like this.... sounds bad but is the truth.

Kinda getting to the point where I just don't know what to do (understanding that statement is pretty vague).

I don't know if I am am having suicidal thoughts or not, I just know that I'm tired and I don't want to keep going on... think its kind of like if I were in an accident, it would be doing me a favour, which has been like this for months; but now I feel like the opertunity has not presented itself for it to happen naturally.... and I'm still tired

Man its hard not to slap myself across the face and delete this post

Im not going to bore anyone with my story, am enough of a burden as it is. Essentially though I've been dealing with PTSD from working in public safety (fatalities that involved friends of mine that I wasn't aware of until I saw them in the line of work).

This has resulted in, and I don't mean to row my own boat here, a very strong minded "rock of a person" ( I've been called before), being turned into a crumbling mess and embarrassing themself on a suicide forum.

A friend recently committed suicide and it brings home that as bad as it is, suicide is an option. Im not saying that O agree with it, I just mean that it plays consistently through my mind that he chose that option, and after stalking his Facebook profile, it is flooded with well wishes and grief, and contrary to popular belief, it didn't appear from the social aspect of people remembering him that anyone is mad with the decision that he chose....

Wow, what a babbling mess, im going to post this thread before I delete it, maybe someone can understand what I'm trying to say..... or not... I honestly don't know what I am doing here, nor what I am asking

[Sophie_M]

Hey Bhxhvieoiwbxh,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forums, we are so thankful that you decided to reach out here tonight even if you have been feeling a bit unsure. We know that it must have taken a lot of strength to open up about these thoughts and feelings, and we hope that you can find some comfort from our understanding and caring community here. Please know that these forums are a safe space, free of judgement, and our community are here to help support you through this difficult time. We are also reaching out to you through email to check in with you and offer some extra support tonight.

It sounds like you've been through so much, and we are so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend on top of everything else. It must be so tough to cope with all of this on your own- can we ask if you currently have any mental health support, or have in the past? Please know that you never have to keep these feelings bottled up inside. We think it would really help to talk through these thoughts and feelings withe the kind counsellors at our Support Service who are available to you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or also through Webchat (1pm-midnight AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

In addition to this, the lovely counsellors at Lifeline and the Suicide Call Back Service are also there for you anytime, day or night, whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with :

•  Lifeline - 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-12am at: https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat) 
•  Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7 at: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling)

Many other wonderful members of the community have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to relate to these feelings and can offer support and advice. If you would like to post further, please do feel free to tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you this.

 

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue. And I am glad you did not delete your post. As sophie_M said it takes courage and strength to put pen to paper and write down your thoughts and feelings. I would also like to say the people here are supporting and non-judgemental and others here would have had similar thoughts as you .

sometimes we might think that what we write does not make any sense, and then someone like me will come along and say... yeah, I understand what you have said. My story is a slow and gradual decline until one day the proverbial straw broke the camel's back.I did not know what I was happening until I did the K10 test on the beyond blue website and saw my GP and then referred to an psychologist.

The death of a friend is one of life's stressful events and I would say we don't really know it might effects us until it happens. Your reactions to what has happened is normal - perhaps being able to talk to someone about this might help you find a way of moving forward.

There are many things you could do next but that can wait for a future post from me. You might want to have a look at a thread titled "three things to be thankful for today". Right now I would like you to know that I am listening to you tell your story and I hope you will come back to share more of your story.

Tim

[Bhxhvieoiwbxh]

Thanks for your reply.

I know that I should be calling the BB number or 000, however I know what that leads to... and if anyone has been to my nearby hospital they would understand my hesitation.

I can't stand the idea of feeling miserable whilst being surrounded with other mental health issues that are much different then my own (schizophrenia, manic depression etc.). I don't belong there!
Note: please don't read into that as I am unsympathetic to mental heath disorders, I am not, I just don't see how its helpful that a broken person with PTSD, coming off antidepressants (OR WHATEVER IT IS, after 30 odd medications in 10 months you tend to just pop whatever is given to you) due to a seizure, and finishing TMS.

I can't talk to anyone because of my own walls, but even if I did and didn't go through with it then I am attention seeking!, at least there is anonymity here

Im just done, there is nothing left in my soul.

I don't know, im just done

[smallwolf]

I get what you are saying. I have commented many times my issues are 1st world problems. And yet I still reached a point of considering ending my own life. It is just how we react to events in our lives.

I also understand from your post you feel you cannot talk to anyone. Despite having been suicidal and having stress leave from work as a result, both my psychologist and psychiatrist are non-admitting professionals. I have safety plan etc. I have been seeing both for about 3 years, finding ways and strategies to deal with my issues. I have also said to my psychologist that when I do feel OK that I feel a fraud for speaking with her. Enough about me.

as you prefer the anonymity here, perhaps tell me a little more the walls you mentioned in your post?

Tim