TW SH Venting

[Crallop]

I recently posted on a different forum seeking advice for something else but after everything running through my head today I think I’ve had a few realisations. I think I might be suicidal.

I lied to myself and my parents and my psychologist saying that I don’t want to kill myself. It isn’t exactly a lie, because I don’t, there’s so much I want to live for, but everything just seems so out of reach, unattainable. I’ve harmed myself before while on meds that just didn’t agree with me, and now that I’m not on any, the thoughts are ten times worse and near constant. The main difference is right now I can stop myself from acting on them whereas while on those meds it’s like I gave up control. The thoughts are always there though. Thinking about how I could do it. It scares me sometimes how often they’re there and that I’ve almost become used to it. Thinking about it now makes me feel sick. I don’t know what would help but I’m doing some more research. I’m going to get help, but I just wanted to talk about it here before trying to talk to the psychologist. I always struggle to get words out so maybe writing it here will make it easier.

[Sophie_M]

Hi  Crallop,

Thank you so much for sharing and posting this tonight. What a really insightful and honest reveal, but we do have to share how sorry we are to hear how hard it has been for you.

We're really glad that you have a psycholgist and plan to talk with them about this, and yes, we do think that you're 100% correct - sometimes writing things out can make it easier to sort out our thoughts and feelings to express them more clearly when we need... Hopefully getting support from our beautiful community will help with that a little also...

Crallop, we are worried about you though, and we've reached out to you privately tonight. Please check your inbox.

One really helpful suggestion we'd like to recommend for your consideration is to look at our 'Beyond Now' suicide safety planning app. You can find it here. The Beyond Now suicide safety planning app helps you stay safe if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts, feelings, distress or crisis.

Research has shown having a safety plan can be useful for reducing the intensity of suicidal thoughts and increasing people’s ability to cope with them, so please do consider having a look and giving it a go - you can even go over it with the counsellors at Lifeline if you don't want to do it alone.  

Please don't hesitate to call us on 1300 22 4636, or contact us via webchat  at any time (24/7). We don't care if it's big or small - we're non judgemental here and it's all completely confidential.

We hope to hear from you soon,

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Crallop]

Thank you. I’ve got a plan with the app and have made use of the web chat a few times now. It’s been really helpful to talk about it all.

[Junior1962]

Hi there

its really good that you are identifying how you feel and want to do something about it.

in terms of writing it down, this is actually a really good way of getting it out of your head and identifying what is going on for you. I’m a writer, I do this frequently. In psychology it is called therapeutic writing. There’s no set format other than to not go back and edit what you write. Just let it flow onto the paper. 
I encourage you to do this and take some of into your sessions with your psych. It will help them to help you. 
Good luck ☺️

[Petal22]

Hi Crallop,

Im really sorry that you are experiencing these types of intrusive thoughts I understand how distressing they can be.

I understand that when these thoughts are on repeat they can be hard to deal with.

In my lived experience of severe anxiety OCD I also experienced these types of thoughts and they where on repeat and very loud at times.

At the time I didn’t know how to navigate them but I knew I couldn’t deal with them alone.

I opened up to my clinical psychologist and psychiatrist about the intrusive thoughts I was experiencing and from there I received the help I needed to manage these thoughts and in time reach recovery.

I didn’t want to act on these thoughts but they absolutely terrified me.

I think if you could see a clinical psychologist this will really help you because they will be able to help you to manage what you are experiencing… if this is what you want to do.

I know it can be hard to talk openly about your intrusive thoughts but if they are causing you so much distress then you really need to do this so that the health professionals can help you.

My distressing intrusive thoughts lifted over time after the professional help I received.

Please feel free to come back to us.