So where do I go from here

[Roadsend]

Long time lurkier here, done a few threads but they usually are deemed not helpful and get canned. I'm alive only because the wonderful woman I married wants me to be, there is nothing else at all that gives me any reason to stay but for her I have endured and fort, but I'm tired, I don't want to hold on, fight, endure or do any of the other 100 catch frazes that people spout thinking there helping I just want nothing, nothing at all, surely that isn't too much to ask, nothing at all, to just slip away and never have to feel the misery and loathing ever again. I've tried to hold it together, I've been on so many medications over the 40+ years I lived with this, been admitted to the mental health ward, lets think, at least 5 times were my stay was greater than 3 weeks which is also when I was given the 4 courses of ECT, voluntarily, I will give any treatment a fair try in hope I might find some relief but nothing ever really helps, I'm just finishing the 4th Couse of ECT along with yet another med change so everything has changed except for the misery, it's just as strong, crippling  and smothering, only difference now is ECT has wiped out so much memory that the wonderful woman I stay for is under more strain than ever because she has to keep telling me all the things I can't remember, I so wish she could see I'm just a lead weight around her neck as we sail full steam on the SS Titanic. I have other friends cursed by this same mongrel Blackdog and their wives deserted them, separated quick smart, Oh how I wish my sweet wife would also, we don't have to sell up like the others did to settle 50/50, I don't want or need anything, it's all her's with my blessing and the hope she finds someone loving and not damaged, someone to love and treat her special. but that seems unlikely because even as damaged as I am, she thinks I'm special 37 years married, 37 years of my depression and she still thinks I'm special, and if I sneak off and do what I so want to I know it will destroy her. How silly is this, I know I could make it look like an accident, She would never know,  that should be enough but still I cant bring myself to do it as I still see in my minds eye what it will do to her, I truly love her with all my heart but I wish for both of us we had never met. anyone out there have any magic solution because I sure could use a way out of this nightmare     

[Sophie_M]

Dear Roadsend,

Thanks for posting earlier this morning Roadsend. We love that you can be a longtime lurker, and only post when you really want and/or need. We're aware that many people do this (members and non-members alike), and lurkers are just as welcome here as contributors.

Roadsend, we're worried about your wellbeing and safety, and we've reached out to you privately. Please check your inbox.

Roadsend, depression doesn't make you damaged or worthless. It's a medical condition, and it's overwhelming and dark and difficult, but it doesn't make you worthless. If you had a physical illness, it might make you feel worthless and vulnerable and even miserable, but it still doesn't make you worthless. You're valuable and important and unique. Period.

We really want to encourage you to please continue to lurk here, or even contribute when you're moved to do so, but please take what you can and don't give up. We're not sure what you have and/or haven't tried, and what your professional treatment and care has looked like over those difficult years, but we do want to encourage you to call us for support whenever you like - but particularly when times are really dark and tough. Please don't battle alone.

Call us on 1300 22 4636, or perhaps you might prefer online chat if you prefer texting to talking on the phone. There's also Lifeline and the Suicide Call Back Service. We're all available 24/7.

IMPORTANT NOTE - PLEASE: Call 000 (triple zero) if you are ever in immediate danger to yourself, or take yourself to your nearest Emergency Department for mental health assistance if you feel you can.

Our suicide safety planning app is also very helpful for those who are feeling at risk, and you can even complete it with a counsellor over the phone if you like? It's called 'Beyond Now' and you can find it here.

We hope to hear from you soon.

Kind support,

Sophie M

 

[Junior1962]

Depression is an agonising illness. I know. I’m a depressive - with some bipolar genes. 
Two questions that come to mind after reading your post:

Have you had talk therapy at all? It can be a very good adjunct to medical treatments.

Also, have you ever consulted a naturopath or similar to see what imbalances there may be in your body. I did this last year when I was suicidal and it worked. The stresses of life had been overwhelming and I needed to fix my body in order to fix my mind. 
Thinking of you. 

[Roadsend]

Hi Sophie M, Junior1962, thankyou for the support, it's always nice knowing someone cares, unfortunately my problem is all chemical imbalance, so a kind word and a helping hand has little effect on the misery, it will pass with time or it wont, the latter is the most likely these days, there isn't too many drugs left [if any] I haven't been on, some work for a while then fail some don't work full stop, I am truly running out of options so it's "suck it up and get on with life" or "just surrender to what seems inevitable, I'm not after sympathy or people to feel sorry for me, this is what it is, just another disease that like so many other diseases sometime cost lives, that I know is hard for non affected people to understand because we look  and sound perfectly fine and healthy all be it just a little sad, but when every awake moment is so painful and sleep or unconsciousness is the only relief then surely staying alive just doesn't make sense and if it was just me it affected then this wouldn't be a problem but a problem it is and so here I am cant stand to live but can't bring myself to not care how leaving will hurt my wonderful wife. I think I must have given the wrong impression, I have never felt worthless, miserable to the point of actually feeling sick but never worthless. I'm quite capable ,talented in some things and get on well with friends, family and co workers, my boss tells me he really appreciates  how reliable capable and honest I am, hell even the nursing staff in the mental health ward liked me, I never gave them any grief and years of using humour as a defence now comes so naturally I can literally Have everyone in stitches while I'm literally dieing inside, so no I don't feel worthless and I know if the time comes a lot of people will be sad I've gone. Yes Junior1962 I have tried more natural means, some helped some but only a little, yes I know any help is a help but it still leaves me way short of feeling good. Any way I whined enough to you good folk, what will be will be, maybe tomorrow will be better 

[Petal22]

Hi Roadsend,

Thanks for reaching out to us.

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s so so hard living an actual nightmare every single day ……… it’s tough… it’s unrelenting. ( I also felt like I was living in actual nightmare)..

But please hold onto the hope that you will recover.

As Junior1962 has mentioned have you tried talk therapy?

With the condition I experienced I did a certain therapy that intervened with the condition.

It was given certain tools and skills that I needed to learn so I could break free of the certain cycle I was living through my mind.

This therapy worked for me because I broke free and have been free for many years.

You could look into a certain therapy to suit you for what you are currently going through?

Have you ever tried meditation? This skill was saving grace for me.

Please try to believe that you will recover from what you are going through.

Please feed your mind with positive thoughts.

Hold onto hope because you WILL get through this.

Your wife sounds like such a beautiful person who loves you dearly.

Please feel free to come back to us we are here for you as a community.

[Roadsend]

Thankyou everyone for your kind replies, I am holding on but it's 1 lousy ride at the moment, still there is always tomorrow, tomorrow might be better. Therapy didn't seem to help much in my case, or I wasn't doing it right, not sure which but it does seem all chemical imbalance with me. therapist and I looked for triggers and thought patterns that lead me down the "rabbit hole" but there was no clear pattern, which didn't surprise me, I have a charmed life [except for depression] wonderful wife, no real money troubles, more would be nice but we have enough, our family is close, we all get on great, I have a good job and a boss that lets me know he really appreciates reliability, and honesty, he goes above and beyond, How many Bosses out there would come and visit you in the Mental Health Ward and take you out for coffee, and even though I'm casual so no sick pay My boss payed me 4 weeks pay while I was in ward, as I said I have a charmed life, no pressures but for this bloody curse. I have been 4 days into a 9 day Thailand holiday, having a magical time with my lovely wife, go to bed happy and contented, only to wake up feeling low  and miserable, no reason for it except for this damn chemical imbalance. I've been told time and again "be kind to your self" but  to have the charmed life I have and still be so miserable, how can you not think I need a good swift kick. Even right now writing this I know I sound like an ungrateful whiney brat, I know how good I've got it but the misery and despair is still very real even though there is no reason for it.

On another note The doctor thought he might have found the a reason, turns out I do have chronic lymphocytic leukemia, he thought the worry of that might be dragging me down, I assured him that wasn't the case, when I first found out i was thrilled, at last I had an out, I cant take my life but if something  comes along and takes me out then that isn't a butyral of my wife, it's just fate, year well I have since leant yes maybe 1 day it might actually kill me but chances are it never will, the doctor had trouble believing  that CLL caused me no worry what so ever and that finding out it wasn't likely to take me out disappointed me greatly. Fate being cruel I am expecting one day I might finally beat this depression and that is when the CLL will take me out, how ironic would that be, to finally really want to live after all these years just to then taken out by cll, stay tuned    

[Petal22]

Hi Roadsend,

Thats ok 😊

You have a very positive attitude which is really great to see….. hold onto that.

Im sorry that so far the ride hasn’t been enjoyable but it will only get better.

I don’t believe you need a swift kick because under your circumstances you are doing extremely well it’s hard….. it wouldn’t be easy to have an imbalance.

Have you ever been properly diagnosed?

Im so sorry you have cll……

Can I ask you if the feeling of being so low is also due to your intrusive thoughts?

I understand when we suffer with some mental health conditions that the thoughts that can accompany it can be very overwhelming.

Im asking about the thoughts because I found meditation really helpful for me when dealing with these.

I learned to be the observer of my thoughts and not get caught up in them but it takes practice.

[Junior1962]

Never feel that you can’t ‘whine’ to us. We are here for you 

[Junior1962]

I’m wondering the same thing as Petal - about whether you have been properly diagnosed? 
Has anyone run a general health check to see whether there is something else going on? Thyroid for example?

Also is there any history of mental health issues in the family?

[therising]

Hi Roadsend

I feel so incredibly deeply for you. While I think of the 15 or so years I'd spent in a long term depression and then coming out to experience the occasional periods, my heart goes out to you for having suffered so much for more than 40 years with no break. No break for so long is just so cruel.

Am in the process of watching a fascinating show on Netflix, 'How to change your mind'. It's a look into the current groundbreaking clinical use of psychedelics. I'd heard about the trials of one in particular, about a year ago, but never realised it was in the process of becoming a serious 'go to' in the field of mental health. Just thought I'd put it out there. If you have Netflix, could be something that might be of interest. If not, I imagine there's some info on the internet, including something about clinical trials and such on YouTube. In summary, it's largely all about introducing people to an altered state of consciousness (through carefully measured doses) that leads the brain/mind to perceive life differently after the drug has worn off. Surprisingly, this treatment is not new. While it began with some drugs back in the 40s, trials were shut down and have only been reopened in recent years, much to the excitement and relief of the professionals who put them in motion back then.

Roadsend, I'm a gal who's an obsessive wonderer. I can wonder about a certain subject for hours on end. I couldn't help but wonder about a variety of causes of CLL, the immune system, depression and the vagus nerve and whether they're all tied in, in some way. I'm sure you've had plenty of medical experts all wondering about such things. Of course, I'm no expert (far from it) but that didn't stop me from wondering. All started with me wondering about Treatment Resistant Depression and vagus nerve stimulation. Have you ever wondered about all you face and then thought 'I'll leave it up to the experts'? My theory is 'Never stop wondering, for it's wonder that leads to the kind of revelations others don't always find'.