Triggers leading to ANGER leading to suicidal thoughts

[Ammee]

Hi all,

It's been a scary week. This week I got very close to taking my life. I made a choice to call the helpline instead of taking my life at the time and they and my husband, together, got me through that night. Since then the suicidal thoughts have been plaguing my mind on and off and it's exhausting. There is a pattern. Things trigger me - something someone has said or written to me, or my daughter (and to a lesser degree my son's) behaviour, are the main ones (they both have special needs and get very loud). A small thing seems to trigger this feeling of absolute RAGE inside, which leads to the suicidal thoughts and takes me down a spiral of despair feeling like its all too hard, it isn't worth it anymore.. It's horrible and scary. Is there any way of stopping the rage over such trivial things? I really am scared I will hurt myself. Thank you for your help.

[Ammee]

Thanks for all the kind words everyone.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ammee

Just stopping in to see how you are doing and how you are feeling lately?

I was so happy to hear that you went to the hospital and that you are safe, also that they were taking care of you and put you into the Mental Health unit for some support. How are you going and what was the outcome of your session there? If you want to share that is.

I was so pleased to see that you did post and that you are safe and that you are taking care of you, that is so wonderful and we are here with you Ammee to support you and to listen as much as you want to share.

Hope to chat to you soon Ammee and wishing you a day that is full of smiles.

Hugs

Sarah

[Ammee]

Hi Sarah,

It's been a while. Hospital was good for me, I learned a lot and got out two weeks later. Since then I have been plodding along. I am back at work and thoroughly enjoying it. I am not well though - I've been diagnosed with CFS / ME which turns out is the main reason I ended up suicidal, that and my PTSD triggers. CFS / ME is a horrible condition to live with, when you crash your whole body shuts down which makes function really difficult. But finding out I had it was a huge lift of my shoulders because many symptoms I didn't understand finally made sense - so it really helped my mental health getting the diagnosis. I have been a lot better for two or three months now - until this week - I had a bad trauma trigger this week and ALL the visions came flooding back, everything, suicidal images and ones of self-harm. I don't think I'm actually suicidal, just have lots of images flooding into my mind and sometimes I am becoming trapped in those thoughts - it's horrible. Some of the worst I have experienced since January! So often I consider self-harming...It's really hard to maintain control. I'm trying to use mindful flow as much as I can. However my life is so complex and I have constant interruptions which makes it harder. I am a carer for my 12 year old mentally unwell daughter, who has had mental health issues since she was 7 (she was self harming then and having episodes of psychosis). At the moment, after being pretty good for a while, she is on the rocks with her mental health again, having hit puberty - she is really afraid of herself.. So it is all SOOO hard for me, as a mother it is horrible to see your child suffer and not know how to help her. I have her to look out for, and with that a husband that doesn't fully understand where I am coming from because he hasn't been there and because he seems to have some strange views and behaviours happening which were not there before, around some things and does not want to see a psychologist himself because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him - and early this week I had a massive trauma trigger which brought me back to a sexual assault incident that happened to me more than 20 years ago!! I am almost ready to crawl into a cave again.. But my work keeps me going - I love it so much, it is my time I am at my happiest. So I've got that. I'll get through this, like other times. One day at a time.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ammee

It is great to hear from you again and so wonderful that you knew to reach out to us again when things haven't been so great of late.

I was so happy to hear that the hospital stay was beneficial and helped you out, that is wonderful to hear. I am also really pleased to hear that you are loving your job, this can make a really big difference too when you do have something to enjoy and that work, where we do spend so much of our time, is enjoyable for you.

I am so sorry to hear about the Chronic Fatigue, I really don't know much about it but did a quick google search and it really sounds very debilitating, and exactly as you say, when you crash your whole body shuts down. I am just so proud of you that you can continue to work and to function in your role and to maintain your life while feeling so physically compromised. It is a relief when you can find out why and how things are related to why you feel the way you do and think the way you do, it provides hope and also eliminates the worry that there is "something wrong with you to be feeling like this".

I am not sure if you wanted to talk through some more about what happened to trigger you and how you have responded to this. The mind is a very powerful tool and it is amazing at how it responds in our time of stress, pain or worry, how it can grab the first thing it "knows" to manage pain, or old ways in which it related to pain or stress. BUT, as you know from the hard work that you have done to make such great progress in your journey that these thoughts are just that, thoughts and you do not have to action or do anything with them. Talking through maybe with a professional some of the triggers you have and some of the past events some more may help too in this space and help to do some more healing with these past events.

I am wondering if you are getting some support for you with helping your daughter. Not only are you trying to get yourself well but caring for another is also very challenging too, and even more so when she is struggling with her mental wellness. I hear you so loud and clear, it is really damn hard to see your kids in pain, to see them suffer and not know how to make it all go away, or at the very least offer some help that will be received by them. Puberty is tough at the best of times, let alone when you are not well. Please reach out for some support with this Ammee, this sounds like a lot on your plate.

Here to chat and here to support you.

Hugs

Sarah

[Ammee]

Thanks Sarah,

No I am not getting much support with my daughter. I have my husband of course, but that is all. My mother has died and my other parents live a long way away.

The trigger last week was nothing to the one I had this week.

My daughter was rushed to hospital from school on Monday due to her trying to take her own life.. I can't believe this. I have tried to stay strong and keep it together all week for her but it is damn hard. We live in Adelaide. There is only one pediatric ward in Adelaide for under 16s and it only has 12 beds. It was full on Monday so they sent a mother with a suicidal past home with a daughter who was suicidal - I don't know that that was the best choice on their part. But I feel I have done quite well with her until now.

Watching your child suffer is so gut renching - watching her lose all her spark, humour and fun, with nothing left in her but loss and despair is horrible, and so triggering. Fortunately she was able to respect me when I kindly asked her not to mention wanting to die in front of my as it was triggering me. She now talks about things being bad or not, and gives me a number to help me clue on to how she is. She saw a psychiatrist on Thursday and has talked to Lifeline, both things that have helped her a lot.

However, today she tried again, I won't mention the details - but it was very scary. I managed to stop her. My husband was out of the room, and I was shouting at her and getting at her to stop her, he didn't come. When I asked him later he said he thought it wasn't that serious. Then I got really angry at him for not taking this seriously enough and he got really upset because he thought I was saying he doesn't care. Of course he cares, he has done a huge amount for my girl this week.

I am self harming again and I am not sure how long I can hold out.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ammee,

We are so sorry to hear what's been been happening over the past week, and can hear that you and your daughter are having such a hard time right now. We can only imagine how scary and upsetting this experience must have been for you today, especially when your husband wasn't there for support when it was needed. It's also understandable that this week has been quite triggering for you, and please know that you don't have to cope with all of this on your own. Our caring community are here for you, but we are also checking in with you privately through email.

We can hear how overwhelming these urges to self-harm are becoming, and we'd really encourage you to keep reaching out in these moments- either with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who are available to you as often as you need, at any time of the night or day. Sometimes it can be really helpful to verbalise these thoughts and feelings with a kind and understanding voice on the other end of the phone.

You might also find it helpful to contact our friends at Parentline (available in South Australia 24/7 on 1300 364 100) who can offer the kind support and advice for you and your daughter.

You don't have to go through this on your own- we're all here to support you.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ammee

Apologies for my tardy reply, How things have been for you, for your daughter and in general over the past few days?

Managing this situation on your own essentially would be horrific and I want to remind you that at anytime you can call the support services line here at Beyond Blue and you can also reach out to LifeLine.

Having your daughter attempt her own life, well I have no words really for the pain and emotion that comes with such horrific news. It would be hard to keep it together, let alone when you are feeling so bad yourself. Well done for trying to keep it together, that would have been an enormous effort, well done. The hospital sure sounds like the facilities sure are minimal and are certainly not sufficient, I am so sorry that they sent you home, feeling like you are not "bad enough" to be there or not needing the services of the hospital. As you say so very rightly though, you have done very well up until now and you know what, you will continue to do so as that is what we do as parents. Even though it is hard and hurting and we are fighting a million things, we pull a rabbit out of a hat when we need to to support our kids. There is times that you need to check in and to make time for you to get better and to heal too.

I am so beyond proud that you have a system in place so that you can communicate with each other and to let each other know without it being triggering or damaging to the other, this is brilliant and so important. Communication is key and you have not let that fall down and that is a true credit to you. I am so pleased that Lifeline helped her, as I said, they are there for you too.

Having to see your daughter also in the middle of an attempt and to have to intervein must have been terrifying, and even then that word does not seem enough. I can't even imagine what that would be like. Also having to do it on your own must have been even scarier. Maybe you and your husband need a word that when you say it he knows it is time to come NOW, that things are VERY SERIOUS. I understand how you would be angry at him, that you feel like he is not caring or doing enough, maybe he honestly does not know how so putting his hands over his ears and singing (metaphor there) is what he can do to cope? While that is not helpful to you, perhaps there is a conversation there too that you can ask him what he needs to get involved or what you can do to help him help your daughter.

I hope to chat some more to you Ammee

Hugs

Sarah xx

[Guest_1643]

ammee -

thank u for sharing

ur showing amazing strength being there for ur girl and that both u and ur husband are with her in this. i'm sure it's so so hard but showing up for her, ad making her not feel alone, is life-saving. u are life-saving.

When I was a teenager I had an attempt on my life and my parents never spoke about it or encouraged me to get help. They were angry at me. They said I was stupid for doing it. Then shut down. It was years later that I realised how negatively this impacted me. Not being able to talk about suicide is harmful. I'm so glad ur daughter has a psych and can call Lifeline. I perosnally find them an amazing service and feel they changed the course of my life, too.

i'm so sorry to read about the hospital ... absolutely atrocious they do that.
There are hospitals in Victoria that have this program called HOPE (hospital outpatient post suicidality engagement) - from the theory that a person is most vulnerable in the 3 months after an attempt, they offer ppl 3 months of case management and support with a clinician after an attempt. I hope they will roll that out in other places.

Sending ppl away is so wrong, i'm so in agreement wit u there, but glad to hear u are doing well despite that horrible experience. Good on u.

[Ammee]

Just wanted to write a short post to say, that we are ok, in the sense that we are still alive anyway.

Thank you SO much for your kind words of support.

It has been a very hard week.. today has been particularly hard. But, thankfully my daughter had not made any more attempts on her life. She still talks regularly about how bad she is, how she wishes she wasn't the person she is and she doesn't want to be here - I hate seeing her so down on herself.

The kids at school are not helping either. We are slowly transitioning her back, just two hours a day - and the teachers are doing their best to help her. We had a meeting with them before bringing her back and did a full safety plan with them of course - but unfortunately they can't watch her closely all the time and stupid kids who know they can push her sneak in when the teacher isn't looking and say horrible things to her! She has remained strong - walked away from them and tells the teacher - teacher deals with it, but they keep on doing it. THey are small things, but so much is triggering her at the moment.

A plus though, she did go to Scouts tonight for the first time since the incident - the place she feels the safest outside of home I think. They are so good there with looking after the kids, and the scout leader is a Social Worker so is able to be there for her in a way that maybe others could not.

However, I am only holding on by a thread - the thoughts of self harm and suicidal ideation are haunting me, I hate it - what keeps me going is my absolute need to be there for my daughter - I have to remain strong for her, I mustn't make things worse for her - Her life is so important to me. So the thoughts are there but (most of the time) I am not following through.

I have had a couple of counselling sessions over the phone that have helped and I have friends that are reaching out, these are all good things. I am glad I have my community around me. I am glad for Beyond Blue too - thanks for all you do.

Ammee.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ammee,

We're sorry to hear that your daughter is having trouble with some of the children at school. It's understandable that this would not make things easy for her. It's great that she is slowly integrating back into school and scouts. It sounds very positive that she hasn't made any more attempts. We can only imagine how difficult it must be to curb your own suicidal ideation and thought of self harm, while trying to be there for your daughter. It sounds like your family and community are great protective factors for you.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

 you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.  

Your daughter can get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

Keep visiting us on the forum and letting us know how everything is going.