hey Jules,
I'm sorry that you feel like self harming and that you've done so recently, and I really hope you can stay safe.
I know how you feel about being in control. It's funny though, with a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms we feel like by doing a certain thing, we are regaining control over our lives. It gets to a point though where we feel so compelled to self harm that it's an impulsive out of control thing. Just like we tried to get control by self harming though, we can get it back even if it takes some time. Finding something else to shift our focus onto when we want to self harm is a good start 🙂
Do you have any coping strategies you know work for you? I know that app calm harm has helped me - it has a bunch of alternatives ways to cope based on how you're feeling so i you can find something that actually works. I know it is more suited to a younger age group and idk how old you are but I'm sure there are plenty of other similar apps out there as well. Worth a try anyways. Otherwise you can try searching up alternatives to self harm, or just spend some time doing something for yourself that you enjoy. That can be something as simple as listening to music, watching youtube, going for a walk - whatever floats your boat.
You mentioned feeling like you're defences had been weakened by vulnerabilities - if you feel comfortable sharing, is there anything else going on for you at the moment that is causing you distress? Hopefully you're doing ok, thinking of you
Take care xx
