*Trigger warning* I made a plan

[Kombie390]

So I've made a plan. Is this a vent. A cry for help. I don't know. This has been thought about for weeks now and I have tried every distraction I can think of and do. None of these have worked I have thrown myself into each of them to the brink of becoming physically unwell. Its part punishment knowing I don't deserve anything good not even this life of mine I'm currently living. It's to change these thoughts and part trying to take myself out before I plan to carry out the plan.

My counsellors are all unaware they are concerned because the past few sessions with each of them I have sat in the chair in almost silence to not allow my voice to accidentally slip up and say the wrong things making them even more suspicious. I don't want to be locked away for my own protection. I want to make this final choice for myself. Lately it feels like choices have been taken away from me or been made for me.

I have tried to re-anchor myself to stay for my kids I can't my brain won't allow it. The dissociation makes it feels like I've been picked up in a cyclone and it hasn't tossed me out yet dumping me somewhere. As it has been life has been swallowing me whole then spitting me back out. I am raw from life's issues. I am tired. I just want a little peace within.

[Kombie390]

I still haven't told my case manager or my counsellors anything about my upcoming plan. I don't feel brave. I am a coward. I am very unworthy. I have ditched work for over 2 weeks now just saying I'm unwell. I just stay hiding away partly for my protection. You see it's not just depression & the plan eating away at me from the inside out I'm in hiding from my abusive husband and my abusive family. My kids remain at the family home with their dad my husband. I am so torn to take further action maybe if I'm not here my kids oh I don't know anything anymore

[Sophie_M]

Hey Kombie,

We're so sorry to hear how much pain you're in right now. However, we are so grateful that you decided to reach out to our friendly community, and we hope that you find some help and advice in the great support they have all offered. Please know that you are strong and valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse. We can hear what a tough space you're in right now, but please know that you never have to go through this alone, and you don't have to keep these thoughts and feelings bottled up inside. 

Our Support Service is also currently reaching out to you as we are worried about you.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, and you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through their online chat: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

Please also know that our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are there for you anytime, day or night, when things are feeling like too much to cope with. Please do feel free to use these services as often as you need in overhelming times like these. 

However, if you feel unable to stop yourself from acting on these thoughts, it's really important that you contact triple zero straightaway, or you can also attend your local hospital if you feel able to make the journey yourself.

We know it has taken a lot of strength and courage for you to share this with us here, so thank you. We hope that you can find some comfort from our caring community and please feel free to continue updating us, whenever you feel able to. 

[Delectable]

Hi Kombie390

Just wanted to let you know I’m the result of being left with an violent father after my mother left, maybe in your children it’s different as there appears to be some family but do you really want them to grow up in that environment if you were no longer around?
I’m sure you would want the best for your children and it seems you are the only one that can make it happen!
Being a single parent wouldn’t be easy but children really just need love, please think of them before you go ahead with your plan.

[Kombie390]

I am truly sorry Delectable, your needs weren't met growing up being left to fend and survive the best you could.
I always think of them and I overthink I'm aware of the stats. Their lives would be destroyed and turned upside down their futures forever changed. I'm selfish I know. I'm exhausted from a lifetime of trauma I protected them from witnessing so much I downplayed what really was going on.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Kombie,

I am deeply sorry that you’re hurting so much that you made a plan...My heart breaks for you knowing that your husband is abusive towards you...

You say your hiding from him..are you safe, and are your children safe with your husband?..

Kombie...Your precious children need you...you are the only mum that they will ever have and the love they have for you is so deep...and honestly sweetheart you are irreplaceable to them...and they for you...They will be devasted beyond words if you carried out your plan....I know because I got to the stage of writing a suicide note to my children....That’s when I realised that no matter how much my husband hurt my soul..my children are so precious and much more important..

My husband has passed away now for 7 years but the hurt and pain is still living with me...But I am determined that he will not win...and I want to prove that to myself and my children by living the rest of my life as good as I can...Please don’t let him win...

The number Sophie has given you..Please reach out to them.. or the police..you can charge him if you feel able to....if not the police should help you in getting your children away from him and back into your arms...where they belong..

You are a very brave person Kombie..you had the courage to leave him...I was to scared to do that..and my children suffered all their growing years so much.. because I didn’t leave him....

You’re not a coward sweetheart..If you can’t vocally tell your professional about what you’re feeling and wanting to do...Then please try hard to write it out or even show your psych..your thread here on Beyond Blue...They can’t fully help you..until they know exactly what your thinking and feeling....They want to help lovely lady...because you are very much worth being helped...Please try hard not to be scared to open up to them...I know it’s hard..but so well worth it...

Talk here anytime you feel up to it...We are all here for you with our care and support...

Sending you my kindest and most caring thoughts dear Kombie..

Grandy..

[sunnyl20]

Hey Kombie, I am sorry things are so dark right now. Please know though, you are not a coward and you are not unworthy. You deserve to be safe and you deserve the support and care of your counsellors. You are worth so much more than you think. What you are going through right now sounds horrendous and traumatizing and no one should ever have to go through that, let alone on their own. As mentioned above, I would really encourage you to contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) when and if you are able to. There are also other state-specific services that you can find here: https://www.respect.gov.au/services/

You are so brave, I know that you don't see it but you have so much courage. We are here for you. Please feel free to talk more on here.

Take care.

[Kombie390]

I went to work for one day earlier this week and my boss told me to take the rest of this week off which I did. Apparently I didn't look ok.
I've tried distractions galore to shift my mindset, this has not worked not even slightly. I just don't want to live because I am so tired. A break can't come in this life.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Kombie390, thanks for checking in with us tonight. It sounds like things are especially difficult for you at this time. We want you to know that you are valuable and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.  

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.  

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

[Delectable]

How are you? I have noticed when one doesn’t post no one tends to check to see how someone is, I know this from my own thread. I hope you are somewhat ok and have found a solution for yourself and children, I hope others post on here and show you some concern even if you’re quiet.

[sunnyl20]

Kombie390, how are you going? I hope that you are okay. Please know we are here if you need to chat. Take care.