So I've made a plan. Is this a vent. A cry for help. I don't know. This has been thought about for weeks now and I have tried every distraction I can think of and do. None of these have worked I have thrown myself into each of them to the brink of becoming physically unwell. Its part punishment knowing I don't deserve anything good not even this life of mine I'm currently living. It's to change these thoughts and part trying to take myself out before I plan to carry out the plan.
My counsellors are all unaware they are concerned because the past few sessions with each of them I have sat in the chair in almost silence to not allow my voice to accidentally slip up and say the wrong things making them even more suspicious. I don't want to be locked away for my own protection. I want to make this final choice for myself. Lately it feels like choices have been taken away from me or been made for me.
I have tried to re-anchor myself to stay for my kids I can't my brain won't allow it. The dissociation makes it feels like I've been picked up in a cyclone and it hasn't tossed me out yet dumping me somewhere. As it has been life has been swallowing me whole then spitting me back out. I am raw from life's issues. I am tired. I just want a little peace within.
Hi Kombie, thinking of you, hope you’re coping the best way possible for you, it’s hard to communicate sometimes as everyone expects positivity. Negativity has bad reactions, speaking from being on the receiving end....I hope you have someone you can count on in real life...
Unhappy to read that you are doing it tough still.
It can be really frustrating when distractions don't work out as planned. I have had to the use the same distraction for a few hours to become effective. After that experience I then invested in some prayer beads. Most of my distractions are phone app based so to have something physical is helpful for me.
And you are fighting and trying! I just hope you are OK at the moment.
