trapped

[nadine]

feeling trapped. feel like my family would be better off with out me. I make so many mistakes. My husband says he hates me and that the children would be better off without me. I really cant blame him. I want to run, but i would miss my beautiful children too much. if i die, i wouldnt miss them and they would not be involved in a horrible divorce.  I destroy everything i do or touch. i hate it, i hate myself so much. but when you talk to me in person i am extremely defensive and come across as aggressive. I am ADHD/ASD and BPD. the world simply hurts too much, but i dont want to hurt my beautiful children. I love them more than anything, but  sometimes im not a good mum as they see me cry alot and that is trauma to them. i want them to be happy. their dad is a brilliant father!!! they dont need me. i make too many misakes

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a painful and difficult time. You are dealing with a lot at the moment. It does sound a little as though yur husband is a little unsupportive in his comments towards you.

Please know that you have value, and your children love you. I bet that if you were to list down the things that you do for your family you will find a person that is the is both doing the best they can and does more than they think?

If you want to share a little more of your story, please write here. Tell me about your kids? Or how things might look for you without the challenges you face each day, whatever they are?

I'm listening...

[nadine]

i have the most beautiful children in the world!!!! they are everything to me, however when i see them i feel so much love but also guilt. All three are ASD and ADHD. I gave that to them. i hate having ASD and ADHD! There is no positive in them as an adult. 

they see me cry, i cry alot. i feel too much or i am empty. there is never a middle ground.

they are 4, 6, 8. i have aan 18 year old step daughter too, which i love, but she hates me. she tells me that and that i am a horrible mum. i know she is just a child, so i dont take it to heart, but it still hurts.

if i leave my husband says i will never see my children as he will claim that i am mentally unwell. i do have disabilities, but i work full time, im a teacher.

i dont have any money. everything is in his name, my money goes in his account, i have nothing.

i hate who i am. i have done wrong things and say mean things when i split, but i dont mean it. things just come out. i hate how i do it. i want to be a good mum, wife and person, but i always fail.

thank you for listening 

[therising]

Hi nadine

I truly feel for you so much as you struggle in so many ways. Sometimes I think that if others could walk a mile in our shoes, they'd get to the end of that mile saying 'My gosh, no wonder you struggle so much at times. No wonder you feel the way you do. No wonder you feel so intensely challenged'. Without that mile, it can be hard for others to fully understand.

It can be so challenging being more toward the extreme end of any type of spectrum. Whether it's the autism spectrum, the ADHD spectrum or simply the spectrum of feeling or sensitivity, towards the more extreme end it can be incredibly hard to manage without support, understanding (including self understanding), skills and guidance. It can become pretty triggering and exhausting. I'm wondering what type of support, knowledge, skills and guidance you've receiving, especially now with things having become perhaps more challenging that ever.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi nadine,

My mother regularly split and probably had borderline personality disorder but was never diagnosed as she never went to any kind of therapy for help. Although she often split and did the kind of behaviours you describe, I always knew underneath she was the loveliest human being. What you describe, the two states of feeling too much or being empty, that was her as well. I have great empathy for you because I saw how much my mother struggled and that she was really trying to heal, and I can tell you really want to heal as well and would prefer to be healing. You have great insight into yourself and that is fantastic.

I don't know if you have come across the work of Janina Fisher? She is a psychotherapist who takes a very compassionate view of borderline personality disorder and prefers to reframe it as a trauma attachment disorder rather than a 'personality' disorder. She understands the splitting process and how in BPD the split part becomes particularly autonomous. Her work looks at the re-integration of the self, sensitively recognising the defences and challenges involved in the process.

I am diagnosed with Complex PTSD and my internal dynamics are a bit different, but I still have parts of myself that are not well integrated (but starting to be better integrated). These parts, in particular my frightened child self, involve chronic fear responses that come out very autonomously. It's a very instinctive part of the self that reacts before other more integrated parts can catch up and make more reasoned sense of things. So I think the key to these challenges is finding ways to integrate which requires kindness, patience and compassion with yourself. I'm guessing maybe you have some therapy support already?

I know it is extremely challenging what you are living with, but if you can find a way to care for the injured and reactive parts of self to know they are safely held and seen, it has the potential to be the beginning of a healing process. I just thought I'd mention those things in case they offer some help.

[nadine]

I have a psychologist a psychiatrist and recently stayed in a mental health facility for two weeks. I would love to do DBT therapy but it is only during work hours. i do not know what else to do.  i read books and articles, but i never get better

[nadine]

Thank you so, so much. I feel you understand. to be told you are evil is heart breaking as i really am trying to be a good person and control myself. I will look into Janina.  I just want to be a good mum. i love my kids so much.

[therising]

Wondering whether you're able to reschedule or drop some work hours, to allow for the therapy. Definitely not always easy, depending on the job we're in, but sometimes work has to come second in certain cases (like with taking time for help in the mental health facility). If it's a matter 'I don't think I can live without trialing DBT', the therapy becomes just as important as life itself. I think we can get so used to saying 'I can't live without...' that the phrase loses its impact or true meaning. Kinda like 'I can't live without chocolate' or 'I can't live without Netflix'. It's more about what keeps us alive or what provides for us a sense of life that makes it easier while we're on this earth.

As a gal who has an extensive library of self help books dating back to my early 20s (I'm 53 now), I can probably count on one hand the number of those books that have actually been impacting or mind altering. Self help or informative types of books become a bit of a treasure hunt. Wild goose chases vs finding true gems or striking gold. I've found a good one, in my opinion, to be 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Whether relating to the mind, body or spirit or a combo of all 3 (such as with 'Becoming Supernatural', by Joe Dispenza), you know when you've struck gold of some type. When you haven't, you're left with the feeling of nothing having changed. Btw 'Becoming Supernatural' takes the mind/body/spirit concept and translates it in terms of neuroplasticity/epigenetics/quantum physics. A much easier read than how it sounds. Joe Dispenza's a brilliant writer. The book's about what's perfectly natural or super natural and how we can suffer through or thrive on how we naturally work.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi nadine,

I really hear you and how much you love your kids. There can be such a challenge with emotional dysregulation. I think the empty feeling is a response to feeling too much, so it is like a polar swing between two opposite states. The challenge is finding the middle ground.

For me the dysregulating emotion is fear and that fear is mostly around thinking other people might be harmful to me. My response to that is to withdraw and hide from the world in self-protection so I tend to largely avoid attachment. From what I understand that is a typical Complex PTSD response. From what I know of BPD the fear is often connected with attachment and those with BPD often form intense attachments while also fearing loss of those attachments and then often out of the fear of that loss there can be pre-emptive attacks on the person they fear may abandon them. So there can be a drive to attach but also a simultaneous drive to lash out and run away. And the splitting part that says and does things you don't really mean or want to be saying or doing has this autonomous drive that is basically a survival response.

I think when we understand that our nervous system is essentially trying to protect us, we can begin to work with it and start to have care for the parts of ourselves that are afraid. This is the big challenge I am working to overcome with Complex PTSD and little by little I can feel I am making bits of progress. I am learning to see the small improvements and feel a sense of achievement with them. I wonder too if you can begin to care for the part of yourself that is afraid and reactive. Even just noticing that part of yourself and sending care to that part of self is a beginning and is a win in the right direction.

It shows you have courage and insight that you have reached out here. I hope you can feel some hope that things can become easier in time and that change, even if gradual, is possible.

Take good care of yourself,

ER