tired of fighting

[1234567ABCD]

Im in my mid 30s. Been struggling with panic attacks and suicidality since primary school. Im desperatley lonely but phobic of dating. I have SI since I was 8. I have periods of stability then a crash - I re-stabalise at a lower level of functionality. It has gotten to the point where I am agraphobic. I also have suspected cptsd and autism spectrum disorder. I have emetephobia. I have done cbt, a full dbt out patient course, tried countless meds but I just keep getting worse. I'm so tired of trying. Of forcing myself to get up, to eat, to go outside, to shower. I can barely work. I feel like a burden and although I have tried I can't go through with suicide. I feel trapped in a nightmare I can't wake up from. I know I am privilaged. I live with a degree of financial security. I have a roof over my head, Caring friends and pets. But I do not know what to do. I have had multiple hospitalisations. I just want the fear to go away. It is always there. The adults I felt close too have all died. I often want to join them but I can't do it. I used to be able to do so much more. Everything is getting harder. Im scared of what my next step down will look like. Take care anyone reading this. Know you are loved - even by a random on the interwebs - and kindness is our only hope.

[therising]

Hi 123

If there was a guidebook to life handed out to everyone of us at the beginning of our lives, the guide for highly sensitive people would read so differently to the one for less sensitive people. Receiving that book would also make it clear when it comes to who we are and how we tick in various ways. It would also offer the revelation 'I'm not broken, I'm just a HSP (highly sensitive person)'. Btw, the guide for a HSP would involve 2 or more volumes, not just a simple single manual. So much more to learn for a HSP.

As a highly sensitive mum to a highly sensitive 21yo daughter, my 18yo son is next level in some ways and struggles because of his abilities. While he has the ability to feel sound, he needs to mange that. He actually wears earplugs to major social events. He can still hear but the plugs just help his nervous system cope with the volume of sound he feels. While some people can take a while to get into a state of thoughtless meditation or guided visual meditation and actually pay to learn how to do such things, he has the natural ability to do it in the blink of an eye. He's a daydreamer whose imagination blows my mind. What he sees in there is incredible. Even from a young age he's had sage-like abilities, involving what he sees for others. He's a natural seer but this comes with major focus issues, such as being able to shift focus away from certain things (which can sometimes include imagining/focusing on worst case scenarios). The list goes on when it comes to the abilities he has and the challenges he faces because of them. Btw, last year he received a diagnosis of level 1 autism.

For a HSP, I've found some of the mental issues come from those around us as opposed to us. For example the mental comprehension needed and the support and guidance required for highly sensitive people can be great, therefor would you say it's mentally sound for people to say 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up', as opposed to saying 'I'll help you manage your ability to feel so much at such intense levels'? Would you say it's mentally sound for people at school to bully the life out of someone who feels such depressing and anxiety inducing behaviour (something my son experienced for a number of years)? Would you say it's mentally sound for people to say to someone who's so desperate for guidance 'You need to be able to work these things out for yourself'? Over the years I've found there can be some level of insanity to those who deem themselves to be 'the normal ones'.

'Sensitive Is the New Strong' is a book that gives an interesting take on what's normal. Written by Anita Moorjani, it tackles some of the challenges faced by those who have the ability to feel at such an intense level. I figure while some books may not be everyone's cup of tea, I think even if we can gain a few revelations amongst all the pages, that's technically 3 steps forward.🙂

Wondering if you've always been a natural HSP (from birth) but a lot of the people in your life just never got it. Perhaps the ones in your life who did relate are the ones who have passed, the ones you mention. Do you feel the need to find new guides who can help you navigate, with maybe some sensitives amongst them? Btw, finding all the wrong guides can definitely become a depressing trial and error process. Don't doubt your ability to feel the people who will make a difference to you. You'll know when they come along because that will bring the feeling of inspiration. Such a soulful feeling. You are loved here ❤️

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry you've been struggling with such intense mental health challenges for so long. It's clear (to me at least) you have tremendous inner strength to keep going despite the difficulties. You deserve to feel peace and joy. And with everything you have tried I can (sort of understand, not having been there) fear and exhaustion you describe.

I would also guess that you know (not really a cliche?)...
Healing is not linear, and some days are darker than others.

Keep reaching out for support - whether through friends, therapy or online communities (like here). Small steps forward still count.

I wonder how your support group? Or who you can lean on in moments of need? Do your pets help you feel a little better?

Sorry about all the questions, and please do not feel that you have to answer them.

Listening...

[1234567ABCD]

therising thanks for your reply, 

I highly suspect that I may be autistic - this is sometimes described as HSP.

I can relate to your son and I recall a saying in some disability circles that the world isn't the disabled and abled. It is the disabled and not-yet-disabled. Also a lot of helpful discussion about how the physical world and how we build it is actually part of what creates disability by excluding certain members of the population. 

Not that physical disabilities are not real but they can certainly be made worse by poor planning. 

[1234567ABCD]

Thanks smallwolf, 

It means a lot to have someone comment. I have three wonderful rescue birds that keep me company. 

Thanks 🙂 

[therising]

Hi 123

I recall watching a Tedx Talk by autism activist and research psychologist Jac den Houting. They have an autism diagnosis themself and speak of how the world has changed to become more challenging for certain people in so many ways. Just one simple example given involved the difference between the days where the old shopping strips were the only way to go, compared with all the shopping centres that now exist. While shopping strips can be a pleasant way to shop, the bright lighting, the amount of people and noise that exists within an enclosed shopping centre can, for some, make the shopping experience almost unbearable. Personally, I can't stand food courts. The noise messes with my nervous system something shocking. den Houting touches on what you mention, how the world is not set up to make life easy for everyone based on the way it's planned out or designed.

My son is big on developing his abilities in managing. He won't be defined or limited by his challenges, as he seeks to manage through skill development and greater self understanding. This is a mindset he's developed only recently. Greater self understanding definitely makes a huge difference in life. I believe it's part of our job to seek to know our self in greater ways over the course of our life. To wonder with an open mind, as to who we are, is what makes wonder a tool when it comes to greater self understanding. Without wonder, without that tool, we can fall into the trap of simply believing we're who people tell us we are.

While we begin life as wonderful little people, wondering about all sorts of things, we can kind of lose that sense of wonder along the way. Sometimes it comes from adults insisting 'Stop asking such silly questions (or so many questions)'. Sometimes it comes from them being dismissive in a number of ways, such as with 'Stop questioning everything and just get on with things' or 'Stop questioning everything and just do as you're told'. And sometimes it comes from the sheer disinterest of adults, such as with 'I don't know' without them seeking to know and giving us the answers we crave. One way or another we kind of learn to stop questioning until the need for questioning becomes so great that it just can't be ignored anymore...

'Why am I sensitive to sound? Why can I (physically) feel what people say to me? How am I able to feel words? How can I learn to feel in constructive ways? Why am I triggered by this and that? What's that all about? Who am I, in a number of ways? How do I tick? What kind of tribe do I best vibe with?' and on and on it goes. Unless someone's going to help us find the answers and act as guides or fellow seekers, it can become a lonely quest, with so many questions.