Times arrow marches forward with or without us

[Leone39]

Is it really worth holding on for help? 

I'm really at a point now were the urge to end it all is such a pleasing thought, I've struggled with my mental health all my life (I'm 30 btw) its destroyed my career and my friendships, I've never been diagnosed, or anything, I tried to end my life at school when I was 15 in front of the whole school... I wished it had worked... I've seen many doctors many counsellors but nothing, still im here, I always promised myself I wouldn't leave until my mother passed then I'd do it, but now it seems like who cares?, everyday im here I just day dream about how I will end it all.

I've been vocal to doctors about it and the suggest this and that, they refer you to a specialist who has a 8 month wait until you can first see them at a expense of my whole weeks retail wage and some more.
So what are we supposed to do? 
"Oh but theres crisis lines 24/7 chats like Beyond Blue and Lifeline" oh cool! maybe that may help "clicks on link, theres 15 people in front of you, EWT is 1 hour" you sign up to something like SANE and same thing your waiting months just to be seen or talk to someone.

The point i'm getting at here is no-ones going to save you, why not save yourself the pain, just think once its done its done, you don't have to worry.

I've had this re-occuring thought for years now, I walk into a hallway with my family and friends, theres a busy crowd of people walking the other direction, I walk into that crowd and get lost to my family and friends and they don't notice, our maybe they do for a short period of time, then I'm gone, forgotten only a blip til there lives expire.

[therising]

Hi Leone39

I feel so deeply for you as you face long term mental health challenges with seemingly no end in sight. Long term challenges can feel so different to short term ones, as there can be so many more factors involved. Endurance, exhaustion and a sense of hopelessness are just some of those factors. I think perhaps one of the toughest of all can involve not being able to recall a time where things were different, when things were easier. So it can become about a depressing lack of reference in regard to returning to a greater state of mental health.

While I'm a gal who's faced long term depression (from late teens through to 35) and episodic depression from then 'til now, I can relate to the belief which can form in LT depression that dictates 'You're never going to come out of this'. This is also what inner dialogue can start to dictate too. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. I've found there are times where I can't manage my inner dialogue on my own. Even at 53 I still need guidance and support in managing it at times, in coming out of the darker side of it. Yes, there is a positive side too, which is perhaps what's brought you here. Could have sounded like 'Can't hurt to try going on the forums. What have you got to lose?'. Two sides of the same coin known as 'inner dialogue'.

Having been told throughout long term depression, in one way or another, 'You're someone who'll most likely suffer from depression for the rest of your life, based on your nature' (hmmm🤔, yes, thanks for that), I wish what I had been told instead is 'You're a deeply feeling person who will most likely always be a deeply feeling person and you will need to develop skills, support and a level of self awareness that will lead you to manage this'. When no one feels in the same ways you do, it can start to mess with you. 'What's wrong with me? Why is everyone else more functional than me? Why do I take everything to heart? Why am I so broken?' and the list of questions goes on. When the most deeply feeling person gets lost in the crowd of 'everyone getting on with their life', it can feel so lonely and you can feel so lost. What I've discovered over the years is...within the crowd of 'everyone getting on with their life', there will be a number of sensitive people whose challenge it is to sense each other. The challenge is to find each other. Yes, easier said than done. Once you find the kind of people who can sense your pain, your needs, your longing and so much more, a significant connection forms and you know you're not alone.

The mental health system is definitely broken in a number of ways. Of course, it can be brilliant when it works but there's no denying that for a deeply feeling person, you can feel or sense the serious and depressing fault known as 'Nowhere near enough mental health practitioners to serve everyone as quickly as they need to be served'. Simply waiting can become depressing, so there's a need that arises to figure out what to do while waiting. Perhaps coming here is a good start.

[Possumsugar]

Hi there, I AM REALLY FEELING every single word you have said. 

I'm 27, and although I'm not quite there with the (ending it)

i think about it all of the time and i feel like my life goes nowhere and has no meaning so why does it even matter anyway?

and then the realization that you'll be like this forever sets in, i can't even hold down a job or an interest or a friendship how can i continue in this cost of living and in a world that isnt made for my survival, i can't even go to my local mental hospital anymore they've been seeing me for years but now all of a sudden there no more medication for me to try and I'm not allowed into the hospital because i should be able to use my skills to get through the tough times.

my family is not supportive, I'm in the time of my life where all of my friends are busy building lives and doing great things and I'm just stuck in a black hole, if its not this problem there's another on just around the corner and i can't do it.

I'm on the disability support payment and i don't know how anyone lives of it, this world is cruel, i feel for you and i hope you find some comfort in my morbid words because you're not alone here.

[kat]

Hi Leone,

I came here looking for someone with an experience you. I feel a similar way to what you have described. What is one, tiny life? I'm highly educated but can't get work and with my ADHD, I often feel trapped by schedules and expectations. It leaves me feeling like a pointless person.

• When I watch the news and see that some people have died in an accident, there is no special reflection on each person, their lives are reduced to a statistic. Why would I be any different? Why would I keep taking up space and resources to live my pointless life? I have a small business and make an incredibly small amount of only from it, I ask for money to run my project ideas but I never get any money. This only serves to reinforce how pointless I am and how useless my ideas are. I feel so intensely lonely, my friends have all had children and friendships never seem to be the same after this.

I feel trapped in an unending cycle of wanting to give, feeling rejected and then wanting to give up. The only reason I haven't is because I don't really know how to and I think my cat would be upset. I have a beautiful husband and we have a really good relationship, but somehow this doesn't feel like an issue to me because he is so lovely that he would find someone new really easily.

I cry constantly and I just don't want to do this any more, it's tiring and boring.

[Bambi]

Hi Leone,

I feel like this really resonates with me. Whilst there’s a lot of people here who suffer with depression, I strongly feel my depression is a symptom of something more, I have a strong family history of ADHD & ASD, and I’m now 33 and have only just thought “hmm I do a lot of those things maybe that’s the real issue”. I work as a Disability Support Worker, which honestly feels ironic most the time as my job is to support people, and I am quite good at my job, but terrible at supporting myself. I have a long term partner and two daughters (12 and 3) eldest has ADHD, youngest currently in process of ASD diagnosis and my partner has ADHD. It’s “funny” as I always feel like I’m the “adult” of the family but internally I feel like a little girl. 
 

I have tried to fix my sleep, take vitamins, exercise and seek medical help but I’m constantly brought back to the thought of “why? Why bother?” My partner tells me all the bad things about me and they stick like glue,  Even as I’m writing this in my head I’m telling myself not to post it because who actually gives a fuck? 
 

No one can help us, medical professionals dismiss us, or we end up on giant wait lists and then have to manage to find $1000’s of dollars to get help. I feel like the world wasn’t made for me. So why am I here? 
 

You say you have friends though? Do they know what you’re going through? I feel like I don’t have friends, I don’t remember the last time I really saw a “friend”. Sorry early morning ramblings, I’m tired and sad. 
 

My long winded in made point was you aren’t alone in these feelings. ❤️