The inVISIBLE illness

[sjos]

My hands are shaking and my chest is tying itself into a knot - I'm not sure if this is because I'm in yet another episode or I feel like a shift is coming being welcomed in to this world. A world I thought I was alone in.

It's tragically beautiful - seeing so many likeminded souls. I don't know why I have always been so apprehensive of this sort of thing. (forums/groups etc).

I have a wonderful supportive fiancé, a dachshund and an Irish wolfhound, an amazing (slightly dysfunctional) family. I am caring, loving, a good listener and very positive, friendly person in my social world. I am currently at the end stage of building a first home with my partner in a beautiful neighbourhood.

I have suffered depression since the age of 12. A car accident that damaged my shoulder, leaving me with chronic pain and migraines and PTSD. Anxiety was new at 22. Drug and Alcohol abuse at it's peak at 25. Diagnosis of ME/CFS (Chronic fatigue syndrome) and IBS at 27. I am freshly 28. I'm in a depressive/CFS episode - who knows, sometimes i cannot distinguish the two. I haven't worked in two years - unable to control my physical and mental health long enough to keep a job.

Before I left my job of 6 years, I attempted my life. I have been hospitalised 3 times for this. Once last year, once in 2018 and once at 16. I am an incredibly lucky soul to have not been successful in these attempts. This reminds me to add this to my gratitude list later. I regularly see my GP, Psychologist and Psychiatrist but outside of this i try to manage a very unsuccessful routine of sleeping well, meditation, yoga, eating well and journalling. This comes crashing down in an episode and becomes too heartbreaking to start the process again. But i will. Because that is this weird and wonderful journey we have been given, isn't it?

I am struggling coming to terms with this not so 'invisible' illness. Coming to terms with having this for the rest of my life. Lacking quality of life it feels like. Worrying if I'll be well enough to work again, have a child, be part of a friends group. Do you ever get like that?

Frankie the dashie is looking at me like I am the centre of his Universe. Today is feeling better then yesterday, maybe tomorrow might just be that bit better again?!

[Sophie_M]

Hi sjos, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for showing so much courgae in your post, it is incredible to see people sharing their stories and we want to thank you for doing it here on the forums. You never know when someone will see you post and feel less alone in their own experience. Thank you. 

We are really sory to hear that you are feeling this way and that you have such a difficult journey towards mental health, we hope that the support and understanding of the other members of the forum is helpful for you. We always reccommend having a look around at the other discussions on the site and jumping in where you feel comfortable. 

It sounds like you are in a really tough place right now and we think that a call to our team woudl be useuful. Sometimes when we feel overwhelmed it can be helpful to have someone support us in the moment. You can always call us on 1300 22 4636 to speak to someone that understands and can help. 

We also wanted to reach out and ask if you are ok at the moment? If you do feel unsafe it is important to see this is an emergenecy and call 000. 

You are welcome to call us anytime on 1300 22 4636 and speak to one of the wonderful counsellors who can help you in a moment of crisis and guide you to other supports. 

Thank you again for being brave and sharing your story, please feel free to check back in and update us on how you are feeling if you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Aaronsis]

Hello sjos

Welcome, can I say what a beautiful post you have written. There is so much hope and so much looking forward and that is something I really noticed when I read your post. While things are really quite tough for you right now, I can hear the hope in your words. It is so wonderful to see that while you are in another episode that you can so brightly consider that this might be the transformation into something good, the time in which you leave the darkness behind and do enter this world that you know you are not alone in, so very wise you are and so very brave.

You have described the forum so very perfectly, it is the most gorgeous place of love and hope, of support and caring and where people who sometimes are fighting to take the next minute on can come together to know they are not alone, that they matter so much and that we care, we all care and here for each other and here for you too sjos.

How wonderful that you do have some really great things in your life that you can align with happiness and with bringing you joy, I am so pleased to read that you have these. I am jealous of your dachshund I must that is my favorite little dog xx

Your account of what has happened in your life is so very much sjos and I am so sorry you have had to manage all of this. It is huge and while I have no idea how hard that is for you I can only imagine how it impacts a person's life. Then on top of that to have attempted to take your life. I am glad you are going to add this as something to be grateful for, that you are here, here and that you are doing what you can to get your wellbeing and your health on track. It is not easy and it is a long road but you are there putting one foot in front of the other and that is something to really feel proud of. You are doing so many wonderful things to help you and that is the key to success I think, that you are part of the healing. It takes a team to get through what you have been through and you have people and professionals but mostly you have YOU, your attitude and your bravery is what is so obvious here and I want to say how proud I am of you.

Tomorrow has every chance of being better than today, we just don't know, but we do the best we can, we put all our ducks in a line and give ourselves the best chance at a brighter tomorrow and you are doing that.

I think you have a wonderful future ahead and I look forward to chatting to you some more, if you like.

Huge hugs to you sjos

Sarah xx

[sjos]

This is such a beautiful message and I thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I'm looking forward to catching you in the land of the forums! You have a wonderful, empowering tone. You have certainly made my day.

hugs hugs back!

sjos x

[Aaronsis]

Hi sjos

Just wanting to stop in and say hello and see how you are doing today and if your weekend has been ok.
I am hoping you past few “tomorrow’s “ have been brighter and that Frankie has been a source of friendship and love to you.

Looking forward to chatting some more, if there is something you would like to share or just to come to chat.

hugs to you sjos

Sarah xx