The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Chris_Tas]

Hi mate.

I know exactly how you feel (yes, I actually do unlike 99% golf the population who pretend to)

I'm off to a clinic in a few weeks time. Do I need it at this moment? No. Do I need it long term? I think Yes.

Have you thought of doing that? You are welcome to discuss it with me.

Chfis

[Centaured]

Hey Chris and therising

I ended up in hospital on forms following my last post. I slept like 36hr straight after coming in, guess I needed it.

I don't think there's any clinics in WA that would take me Chris. But good luck with yours, I really hope it helps.

Therising I feel like there is no point in me being demanding or asking for things because I know I won't get what I ask for. I just have to be patient and eventually the things I'm working towards will be accessible.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured,

Thank you for updating us.

We hope you're ok, and know that we're here for you any moment you'd like to talk on 1300 22 4636, or online.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Chris_Tas]

Mate do you have private health?

I have had my whole life until I stupidly cancelled it to "save money".

Now I'm awaiting my Clinic stay at a great place with EVERYTHING paid for.

I am in no position to suggest what you should do but it simply is an idea and I suspect WA would have such clinics if little Tassie does.

In any case I want you to be safe as a top person.

Chris

[Chris_Tas]

ps; mate please don't think I'm preaching.

The "DeTox" (which I need not you) take all phones and electrical equipment off you.

That is simply unacceptable and frankly, insanely outdated.

Hence I had no other choice but pay Private unless I go to Psych wards again and locked up, light flash every *en hour to check etc

They were fantastic nurses and Drs don't get me wrong.

I think you could really get benefit from a dedicated facility.

Again just my opinion and tell me where to go if disagree

[therising]

Hi Centaured

You must have been seriously exhausted to have slept for that long. I think sometimes we underestimate just how exhausted both our mind and body are until we find the time to rest, especially when our mind lets us rest.

it's hard going being patient when you feel you don't have time to be sitting around waiting for some form of progress to eventually happen. When time provides some torture (time to think), it really is tough. Are there any things in life you like to do? Any interests? Personally, I cant' tolerate waiting. Whether it's waiting for people or waiting for something productive to happen, I have to have something to focus on, otherwise I end up in my own head too much. Do you enjoy reading, YouTube, a specific hobby, studying or researching things of interest, photography etc? Photography is something that often stuns me. For someone to be able to take a photo of something as simple as a couple of ants crossing over a brick on the ground, for example, and make this look amazing, I think there's something quite incredible about such an ability. Do you have a phone that takes basically good pics?

[Centaured]

My roommate is being extremely triggering this evening. I cant hide from it in my room coz the walls are too thin. I'm ready to scream, but it's pushing me into dissociation instead.

I kinda wanna leave and hurt myself like I did last weekend.

It's hard when I'm so tired to try my strategies and my roommate is screaming every few minutes so i can't even sleep it off.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured, 

We're so sorry to hear that this is happening right now. It's awful when all you want to do is sleep but you can't because of someone else's actions. We're here for you - please reach out and call us if you're unable to keep yourself safe. 

• Beyond Blue Suppoer Service - 1300 22 4636
• Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467
• Lifeline - 13 11 14

[Centaured]

Therising Chris. Sorry I didn't reply to your posts sooner.

Chris I can never afford private, and I've heard the private clinic here aren't great. Plus I would never get accepted into one because I'm too high risk. Too many mh places have rejected due to that reason.

therising. My hobbies include painting and photography, Magic the gathering (role playing card game based of DnD) and computer games.

I should hear more about the progress of new accommodation on Monday from my support coordinator.

[Chris_Tas]

Hi mate.

Hope you feel a bit calmer today. I know how frustrating people around you can be.

Fair enough on private health and understand some places are better than others.

Was just a suggestion and yes the cover is crazy expensive......

Look after yourself mate, you'll get there.

Chris