The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for keeping us updated.

We're sorry to hear of your recent attempt and that your still feeling pretty awful. We just want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. Please know that you are never alone and support is always here for you. 

We have sent a private message to check in with you. Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Both Beyond Blue and our online community members are here with you.

[therising]

Hi Centuared

It's heartbreaking to hear how much you're suffering and how such sufferance is impacting you so deeply, leading you to hospital.

It's my wish for you that you meet someone in that hospital who is like no one you've never met before, someone who makes the kind of difference you really feel, someone so mind altering that they impact you in ways you've never experienced. I think the worst thing about depression is how nothing ever seems to really change. The day things begin to change can take years to finally get to. For me, it took more than a decade. I hope such a day comes soon for you, I really do wish this with all my heart. The endurance required to get through depression is taxing, it is exhausting, leaving one to wonder 'Where are the people who can make a difference to me?'. Again, it is my wish that you meet such people soon.

I remain thinking of you, while wishing only the best for you.

[Centaured]

Therising I didn't spend much time in hospital, I didn't get admitted to the psych unit.

Today things aren't great. I'm so triggered and scared, I'm shaking. I really struggle with my accommodation provider and especially with my roommate. I don't handle his behaviours and then staff don't give a shit and his actions are left unresponded. I want out.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

It can be so hard when we're surrounded by triggering people. Can leave you thinking 'What the hell's wrong with everyone? Am I the only sane person here, who can see clearly what's going on?'. Then, if you manage to work up to complete intolerance, maybe even having a rant that equates to 'If you can't hear me, let me scream the facts at you!', you're left being labelled as 'unreasonable' or 'insane'. No, it can more so be about people say to us, in one way or another 'Suck it up princess and stop complaining. Stop being so delicate and be grateful for what you have'. Worst are those moments where we can resemble something like a pressure cooker, vibrating with intensity. 'Take cover, she's ready to blow!!!'. Fortunately, I don't have too many of those moments in life but I have felt them before. I've found it pays to vent on occasion 🙂

Sounds like the people around you may have a little of that 'I couldn't care less' attitude. You know the attitude where if you could rate someone's care factor between zero and 10, they're somewhere around zero. While you're open to some compromise, 'compromise' is not in their vocabulary. At the moment, at work, I'm working with people like this, management included. I just want to gather all those people in one place and scream at them 'What the F is wrong with you?!'. It's definitely challenging, when you know where you don't want to be but you don't exactly know what to do in order to move beyond where you are. It can be a fearful leap. Wish I was a totally fearless leaper of one thing into the next. How much easier would that make life?! Curse the kind of internal dialogue that dictates stuff like 'You're not capable of this' or 'What if this just makes things worse'. There are moments where I channel the fearless aspect of myself that says 'Just leave the job. Let having no job at all lead you to have to find one. Don't give yourself a choice, by staying where you are'. When it involves accommodation, such as with your own case, this is not the best strategy of course.

What triggers you most about the person you live with? Is there somewhere you see yourself wanting to be? What do you envision?

[Centaured]

Therising my roommate went on a screaming rampage and then started throwing things, I retreated to my room and he started tipping things over. I got staff involved and all they did was ask if he was ok. I spent the rest of night curled in closet crying and he wouldn't stop squealing and stuff.

On the best of days he has autistic tics where he squeals and makes random impulsive loud noises. This I don't handle due to my PTSD and DID. Other days he mildly trashes the joint, last night was his worst episode in a while and I didn't cope at all with it, I came so close to hurting myself.

In regards to the staff here I feel like they're useless, all they seam do is clean and give our meds.

I'm hoping to start looking for a better facility soon. I have already spoken to my NDIS support coordinator about it and we will be looking into alternative options this year. As I have a physical disability and sever mental health issues accommodation options are complicated, I want somewhere where I feel safe and supported.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

This is Sophie from the Beyond Blue moderation team. We just wanted to reach out and say thank you for sharing on the forums today.

It sounds like it's been a really difficult night, so please know that we're here if you want to talk it through at all. You can reach us on the number or online chat link below this message, anytime. It's really good to hear you're keeping your NDIS support coordinator up to date - we agree that's a really important thing to be doing, and it's so important you feel safe and supported in your accomodation at all times. 

Thank you again for posting. You're a really important member of this community, and we really appreciate you sharing an update here. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Centaured

No wonder you've been stressed and upset. I think sometimes there's nothing more triggering than 'basic care'. People can imagine they're really caring when in fact they're just basically caring, which can actually be quite triggering and depressing at times, perhaps leading to the thought 'Why is the bar set so low?'. This is something I've found based on my own experiences.

It's like you can have a parent who puffs out their chest while proudly proclaiming to the world 'I raised 6 kids' when, in fact, they raised 6 kids more so financially regarding the supply of food, education etc while depressing them (bringing them down) with horrible beliefs they placed in the heads of those 6 kids. So, you could say they basically cared for them. A lack of care beyond basic can be depressing. Whether it's one of those types of parents or whether it's a provider of accommodation, to hear from such people 'You should be 'grateful' to have a roof over your head' can be seriously triggering. Technically, we can be grateful for the roof but not grateful for all the triggering and depressing things that happen under it.

I'm so glad you're looking forward to finding new accommodation this year. I hope the place you find is positively mind altering, leading to some incredible differences that help light the path ahead. I hope the place you find clearly reveals how incredible you are when it comes to how well you actually coped with the place you're currently in. Don't underestimate how well you're coping under the current circumstances. Crying can be a form of coping, as is doing whatever it takes to remove yourself from threat. While you came close to harming yourself, you coped in a way that led you not to self harm. Give yourself serious credit for managing this. You are coping based on people who are seriously mismanaging the mental wellbeing of all who are living where you are.

I hope you find your new accommodation in the next month. This is my wish for you. Preferably in the next week. In the meantime, give yourself the freedom to come back here and vent any stress and frustration that is much better out than in. Venting is another good way to cope, otherwise we remain under enormous pressure 🙂

[Centaured]

I'm so tired. So exhausted, my body is shutting down from everything I've done to it the last few weeks. Part of me doesn't care and want to keep trying to hurt myself until I die. Other part is too tied to try doing so again.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for updating us here. We're sorry to hear how tired you're feeling. We really appreciate you sharing here, though. As you can see in the responses from other community members, you are really cared about here. 

We're reaching out to you privately, and you're also welcome to reach our support service directly on 1300 22 4636 or online.

Maybe you could share a bit more here for the community to speak to. Is there anything that you have found helpful in the last few days?

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Sometimes I can struggle with the fact that people rarely ever come up to me and say 'What would you like me to do for your mind, body and soul? How would you like me to serve you?'. Sometimes is feels more like 'What more can I get or take from your mind, body and soul?'. Then suddenly, before you know it, you've reached the heights of tolerance, spilling into complete intolerance. It's like you just want to scream out at the top of your lungs 'Enough is enough. No more taking. At the very least, I need a break!'.

I don't believe there's anything wrong with occasionally demanding things from people, even if it means screaming out how you feel, if no one's willing to listen to reason (your reasons for such demands or desperate needs). When I think of the person you share with who had that overwhelming outburst that led you to incredible stress, to demand 'Get him out of this room' over and over again until staff begin to hear you, is something you have the right to demand, for your own sense of safety and peace of mind.

Do you feel being demanding is something you struggle with? Do you prefer not to upset people? Maybe you don't like to upset yourself by being more demanding. Having a break in between demands can be important too - time to calm down and reflect on how fair your demands are or time to calm down to focus on other things such as a sense of progress or even just time to calm down and detach from the hard work it takes to make progress.

It's all easier said than done. Making demands of people is something I really struggle with myself. Sometimes I even fear it. It can be exhausting work trying to figure out exactly how to make demands of people.