The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Centaured]

Therising, I guess sometimes I look forward to things, like my weekend magic group or this new art group I started going to- I've finally started doing art again, yay.

I guess there are other things that make me feel alive, like some mornings there's that first morning coffee, or hanging out with my best friend, or cooking a good meal. Idk i should try to focus on the little things more.

My new house is going well, Ive been waiting for management for the all clear then I'll be moving in here permently away from the drama of my old house and away from my old roommate. It's feeling more like home now and once I get all my stuff it will be great and definitely feel like home.

[Centaured]

I'm not having a good day today. Struggling to stay afloat. Struggling to just breathe through it. I wanna write a massive list of swear words about what's going on in my head. People have it way harder, so why do I always have to complain and put all the attention on me. .

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Go for it, write that list if that's what works to relieve some of the tension. Can remember, on more than one occasion, being so incredibly highly triggered by people, leading me to type out the most obscene foul mouthed ranting letter on Microsoft Word. Should add it's very rare I reach such a point. Such letters have been absolutely shocking. I did nothing with them other than write and save them. On each occasion when I went back days later to review, I was stunned by how much fury and intolerance was in each letter. I was so filled with rage, so angry. While writing them didn't entirely calm me down, the process did manage to take the edge off. I think part of it is about getting it all out, as much as possible anyway. I suppose rereading it is about seeing how infuriated we are as opposed to just feeling the fury. I think in seeing it, in words, we can also better understand or relate to the reasons for our fury. I believe we can be a reasonable person and furious at the same time.

I've found it's kind of tricky when it comes to channeling certain parts of our self that can serve us at times. For example, when the artist in me comes to life I feel joy and peace. If I'm trying to channel the artist in me to come to life, in order for me to calm down, it's a no go at times. It's almost like 'Nup, you're way to angry, I'm just not coming out today. Calm down and then I'll reconsider'. I could try channeling the nature lover in me to come to life while I consider a beautiful drive up to the hills to the places I love. But the nature lover might be overridden by the ranting intolerant maniac who dictates 'I'm not driving through that bleeping traffic with all those bleeping bleeps on the road, just to get up there and then turn around and face all those bleeping kinds of drivers all the way back home'. Then there's that part that must come to life when fear has to be put aside and courage is to be gained. The courageous sense of self can be overridden by the brutal dictator who dictates 'You really think you can achieve that? There's no way. You're hopeless at that kind of thing'. Then that dictator will lead me to recall moments of hopelessness, as a form of proof.

I think 'Get the hell out of my head' can be seen in 2 ways. 1) It's a directive given to that tormenting part of our self that has come to life in the moment and 2) it is a begging that reflects a desperation for us to free up space so that a heaven on earth can be experienced.

[Centaured]

Usually it's not other people triggering me the rising it's myself. I have tried to find the light and beauty in today but I feel as dark as the rain outside. My day has just got worse from my last post and pain is taking over now. I want to give into it. I feel like hurting myself and tired of it.

[blondguy]

Hey Centaured

I hope you can find some peace. Im in Vic and this cold and rainy weather isnt helping my mental health either. It can be difficult to cope with when we have 'tired' mind

Its always a bonus to see you on the forums 🙂 You are stronger than you think...seriously

my kindest

Paul

[therising]

Hi Centaured

When you speak of others having it harder, I think few have it harder than those who suffer so deeply internally. To compare, you can have someone who has just lost their business of 20 years. While they maintain a degree of optimism and hope throughout their stress and loss, compare this with a 16yo who goes to school and is supported by their parents yet suffers so incredibly deeply in the absolute depths of depression on a daily basis. While the business owner faces undeniable hardship, that young person faces unbearable hardship, an almost soul destroying kind of hardship. It can be hard to show our self compassion when things becomes unbearable while there is the temptation to compare what we're going through with other people's situations. We may offer them far more compassion.

Do you think, at this point, it could be a matter of waiting for a trigger to take you out of the depths? Maybe news of the house might be it or perhaps it might be something else, something a little more unexpected. While certain news won't necessarily take someone out of depression, at the very least it can take them out of the depths of it, to a slightly more manageable point. At that point it might be a little easier to reconnect with the artist in you or enjoy the place your living in a little more. I imagine it might be hard to see that right now but I wonder whether there's a possibility.

Is there a way in which you've managed massive downshifts in the past, in order to cope with them in some way?

[Centaured]

I didn't hurt myself last night, but spoke to a beyond blue counsellor and then slept it off.

Feel down today, but just saw my psychiatrist and promised I'll try to be safe today. We talked about a lot of things and some of the things going on in my life. It helped me feel a little more in control.

I got magic tonight and tomorrow, so I have a reason to stay safe.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Wondering how the magic went. Personally, I love magic. It impresses me so much. Typically leaves my brain saying 'Wow!' while I remain in a sense of awe. I think it naturally brings out the kid in me.

I'm glad you were able to find ways to take the edge off the last serious downshift. I think with depression being so hard to manage at times, those who suffer through it have to give themselves serious credit for the ways they manage constructively. If 5 different strategies at once are what does the trick in taking the edge off, so be it. Kind like a 'recipe' for taking the edge off. One ingredient won't do it. Three may not even do it. Five might be what offers the best results under the circumstances. For example

1. Finding someone outside yourself to guide
2. Relying on their dialogue and how it can shift some perception
3. Allowing them to shift the way you experience what you feel
4. Assessing the length of time it takes to have an impact (5 minutes, half an hour, one hour etc)
5. Letting them guide in the most constructive direction, such as with 'Give your mind a rest by meditating on entering into sleep'

I've found the 'recipe' idea can help explain why some strategies don't work at times. It's like someone could say to me, if I was feeling down and lost, 'Why don't you get out and go for a walk. The exercise will do you good'. While I know this is logical, I may not be able to work with it. If there's no energy in store (none of it in the pantry), how can I work with what I don't have? How can I create a recipe for success when one of the key ingredients is missing? The person offering the advice might have that ingredient themself but I don't. I think, in this case, it perhaps becomes a matter of give me a recipe I can work with, as opposed to one I can't work with.

Magic is a wonderful ingredient in life. It's a beautiful thing. It is sweet, so far from the bitterness life can sometimes bring about.

[Centaured]

The rising, magic, or magic the gathering, is a tabletop card game I play rather than going to magic show. It's something I play most weekends with some friends at a local games store. It's one of my biggest hobbies, I own about 10000+ cards.

I just spent the last few days in hospital, I hurt myself quite significantly on Sunday. I discharged myself today so I could see my NDIS worker and case manager tomorrow. I cooked a nice dinner now I'm ready to pass out- I still haven't fully recovered from Sunday and all I've done the last few days is sleep. Hope I sleep well tonight.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Centaured
 
Thank you for sharing your experience. 
 
It’s great to see you back within the forum however sorry to hear you have been in hospital.  We hope you are taking care  and being kind to yourself.  Good luck with the with the NDIS meeting tomorrow. 
 
As you are aware, please know that you can call or chat to one of our trained mental health professionals who are ready to listen and offer you care and support:
 
To call us, contact 1300 22 4636
To use webchat, Click Here 


Rest up and hoping you get some well deserved sleep!
 
Kind regards,
 
Sophie M