The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Centaured]

I can't deal with it anymore. I've typed a lot of things about what's going on but deleted it, thought about reaching out to phone lines and rehursed conversations in my head that remains unsaid and just can't reach out. Idk but I feel trapped in my pain and nothing would help. The one thing I know would help is a no go, I'd probably mess it up again anyway.

So yeh.

[Petal22]

Hi Centaured,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s hard.

Please reach out ….you can……. I’m glad that you have been able to post here.

Please know we are here for you and you can talk to us about anything you want to talk about.

You can call one of our friendly councillors

1300 22 4636 please feel that you can speak freely it may help.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Centaured  

Thank you so much for reaching out today. We’re sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. We’d like to remind you that you’re not alone, and we’re here to support you.  

Centaured, we’ve reached out privately to follow up with you and see if you’re ok. If you feel comfortable to do so, we’d encourage you to call our friendly counsellors for support on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 11 14. Please always remember that if you are unsafe at any time, you should call 000.  

You’re a valued member of this community and we thank you again for sharing.  

Warm regards  

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I hate it, the thick of the battle when it comes to depression. It's torturous, suffocating and exhausting. It wears you down to the point where you can lose sight of yourself as 'the warrior'. It can wear you down to the point where you just want to scream 'When do I get to stop fighting?'. While continuing to use 'the battle' as an analogy, it can feel like you're on this huge battle ground (life) and there are people calling from the sidelines the equivalent of 'Try harder', while they can't relate to the pure exhaustion that is born from such a fight. You might take a time out, off the field, for assistance (such as with hospital) where you get a bit of a break, basically patched up with a quick fix and a supplement (med) that may not quite cut it and then you're sent back out on the field, while still pretty exhausted from years of battle. Makes one want to scream 'This isn't good enough! Give me some solid weapons and armor so I can face this thing and finally kill it off for good. I'm dying here'.

Do you feel that what people are doing for you just isn't good enough, in all honesty? While they may be trying their best, is their best not good enough under the circumstances? Are they exercising every possible avenue? Are they employing every possible battle strategy they can think of?

While 'inside the square' battle strategies appear pretty typical or standard in the world mental health and modern medicine/psychotherapy, have you ever considered researching 'outside the square'? Very few who practice modern medicine will lead us to look outside the square based on them typically studying and practicing all that's contained within it. So, it's a matter of becoming a lone researcher, until you happen upon a person or people who can relate to what you face. Then, you're no longer facing it alone.

If you feel you've hit a wall, could that be one of the walls of the square itself? Do you feel like it's time for a 'break through'?

[Centaured]

Sorry it's taken me a few days to get back, I ended up in hospital again on Saturday. Home now. I was tired, had an infection, and stressed about a few minor things that added up.

I have my NDIS next week that will hopefully mean I can move soon and get more funding for some other supports.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Glad you've managed to recover from the infection. I figure, doesn't matter how many hospital visits it takes to get you to where you need to be physically and mentally, if it takes a hundred...well...that's what it takes. May not be an ideal way of managing but if it's proven to be the best management plan under the worst of circumstances so far, so be it. It's a plan that's got you this far. New plans may present in the future. It's typically in hindsight where we can look back at how much we've struggled through certain parts of life and say 'I can't believe I made it through that. Now that I look at it, I can say I did my very best under the circumstances and I'm proud of that'. I believe, when we're in the very thick of the worst, there is rarely a sense of pride and self compassion which of course adds to the mental hardship and sufferance. While I take pride in having produced 2 incredibly amazing human beings (my 19yo daughter and 16yo son) and I take pride in both the big and little things I've achieved while having been on this earth for almost 52 years, the thing I am most proud of is having survived 15 or so years in depression. It was a hell of a lot of hard work, it involved a hell of a lot of tears and self doubt. Of course there was a hell of a lot of feeling hopelessness and a sense of mental torture. Yep, hell on earth and I made it through that and I'm proud of that. I wish you could see how strong you are, how incredible you are, what a fighter you are. All your efforts in working so hard to stay on this earth are something to be incredibly proud of.

Hoping things go well with the NDIS and a few more possibilities open up. Hoping you fully channel the opportunist in you and grab every opportunity that makes itself known to you. You deserve an abundance.

[Centaured]

Thank you so much the rising.

[Centaured]

Everything is keeping me up tonight.

I got a letter in the mail from my dr surgery today saying I need to come in to review some blood results, I know what the results are but I don't want to deal with it, it's about what been contributing to me being so tired and issues with one of my chronic conditions.

And my stupid legs, went for a walk to shops today coz staff didn't get my groceries for the week from when I was in hospital and needed to clear my head, well now I'm in so much pain I can't deal with it. And they probably won't function tomorrow and I'm supposed to be going out with my case manager. And I feel bad moaning about my health when people have it worse. Like my step dad, he has terminal cancer, he's going to die soon and is in agony coz the cancer has spread to his bones, and I'm moaning about a self inflicted accident where I should have just lost my legs instead of the crippled mess they're in now.

And I'm scared about my NDIS meeting. What if I don't get my funding, like my new house etc, I can't keep living in the horrible complex I'm in now. And I need so many other key supports. I'm seeing my case manager to make a plan for the NDIS review but I'm still terrified. .

And tbh I'm also scarred about the NDIS coz it means I'm having hope. Hoping to work on things so things can be different, get support to manage the difficulties and work on having a future for a change. Rn I want a future, and that is terrifying to say considering I tried suicide less than 2 weeks ago.

I just need to stay calm to get there.

[blondguy]

Hi Centaured

Its always good to see you post on the forums as you are the same as myself or anyone else on Beyond Blue where our mental health is concerned...

Can I ask if your appointment with NDIS is coming up soon or in the next few weeks? I feel your pain when you mentioned how bad you felt in the last two weeks..that would have been awful to feel that way

we are listening Centaured

Paul

[Centaured]

Thank you Paul. My ndis review is next Wednesday.