The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Chris_Tas]

When is enough?

Mum angry etc

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Having a good old vent about how we really feel about a particular time of year is quite therapeutic. Better out than in I say. Finding people whose mantra is 'Vent 'til your heart's content' is something that's good for the heart 🙂 I think we're more often than not told 'Don't say that' or 'You're so negative'. It's like you're not allowed to be honest. You can go through life suppressing so much honesty until you feel like you could just explode. Hard not to feel like a human pressure cooker at times 🙂 Nothing wrong with carefully letting off a bit of steam now and then.

I find it fascinating how the human brain works, with its pathways, chemistry and processing and what it can do to our nature. Of course, it's easy to be fascinated by it when you're not experiencing the worst of what it has to offer. With the mind being defined as 'The brain at work', there have been plenty of times over the years where I've kind of asked my brain in one way or another 'What in hell are you doing, messing with my mind in such a way, changing my perception so severely?!' It can feel like our brain's taking us through hell on earth on occasion.

The hospital sounds like it has some truly amazing people working there. Not sure whether you've ever had the revelation 'Ahh, so this is what being raised is like!'. You can go years interacting with people who either bring you down or leave you vibing at the same level and then, suddenly, you can come across a person who you get a sense is raising you in some way. Whether they're raising your level of consciousness/awareness, they're raising you to levels of self acceptance (which may have been non existent before) or they're raising you to begin considering the best in yourself, it can be a unique experience. Quite shocking at times actually. It can lead you to wonder what everyone else has been doing in your life up 'til then, what kind of impact they've been having on you. You can hear a lot of parents say, for example, 'I'm raising 2 amazing kids' but all they're really doing is raising them through financial opportunities or standard processes (schooling, a roof over their head etc). They're not really raising their kids in any outstanding way. In fact, they can actually be bringing their kids down in a lot of ways, sometimes without realising. Sometimes it's a matter of parents having learned their parenting habits from those who came before them. Some habits are worth breaking.

Wishing you only the best 🙂

[Chris_Tas]

Centaured.

Please check in mate.

I'm worried

[Centaured]

Hey Chris. How are you going, how's your buddy Terry doing?

Its been a hard day. My disability and chronic pain are having a flare-up and I'm struggling to walk. On top of some stuff going on with my fam, and just generally shitty thoughts. But I'm safe and have some plans on doing more art and entering some competitions and exhibitions once I'm discharged.

2022 will be my year. After how much shit happened this year it can only go up from here. And I'll build on all the positives that happened too.

Therising-i think we have to learn how to parent ourselves, or parent the little child inside of each of us. We won't always get it right but we will learn to love ourself in the process.

[Chris_Tas]

Yeah that sounds like a great plan to me.

Terry is VERY sore mate but his health apparently ok vital wise.

He's just recovering as the seizure was extremely distressing to be honest.

Look after yourself mate as I assure you I can't myself

[Chris_Tas]

You ok mate?

Please let us know

[Centaured]

Chris, I'm ok. I should be going home today.

I'm having a hard time adjusting toy new meds though. The first few nights were rough and I've been really restless and agitated during the day. I'm hoping they'll adjust the does before I leave and I'm due to see my psychiatrist in the community in a week, it will be good to see how I manage at home with the change and relay it back to my outpatient team.

On a lighter note, I found out my local council is running an art exhibition/competition. Entries close in a month so I better get cracking lol. I mostly do landscape paintings but I might do something different for this. I want to do a couple of paintings for it then chose my favourite or ask my carers what they think is the best one. Anyway fingers crossed for me winning the $5000 hehehehe.

How are you going Chris? How's the fella going.

[Centaured]

New year huh. Wow. Tbh I didnt think I'd make it this far. But the difference from last new year to this one is astounding. I moved states, have some friends, got on NDIS, got a new and amazing mental health team, have supported living accommodation, and got a local hobby store nearby to play MTG at. Life is looking up for the first time in a long time.

So why the fuck are the thoughts still in my head. Grrrrr

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Your progress is absolutely incredible. You are absolutely incredible. When I consider the amazing progress that can be made by people who don't face mental health challenges, the advances made by those who do face such challenges can be nothing short of miraculous, deeply admirable and downright inspirational. Centaured, you are an inspiration. To say that the work it has taken you to get to where you are has been incredibly hard would be an enormous understatement.

I'm wondering whether the internal dialogue you speak of feels like an unwelcome guest who just doesn't want to shut up and/or leave. You know the kind of person who will pick the sh*t out of everything. You could have worked so hard to make your life what it is and they'll do nothing but point out what you're doing wrong or point out all the areas in which you made mistakes (missed the mark the first time around). Rather than pick out the achievements they'll pick out the sh*t. While you can proud of all the ways you've advanced or evolved, they'll pick out the sh*t you might still be struggling with, trying so hard to work through, while completely ignoring how far you've come. Officially labeling them as 'A sh*t picker' is, I suppose a way of calling them out. 'I know who you are, I know what you do, I know how you make me feel and I'm calling you out on it'. I suppose it's like confronting them in a way. Whether it's coming from internal sources or external ones, the dialogue that comes from sh*t pickers does not feed our happiness in any way or our sense of pride when it comes to how far we've traveled.

The sh*t picker in us will not point out our brilliance and our incredible ability to work hard through what's depressing, soul destroying and thoroughly exhausting. They will not point out what rewards we deserve for our hard work, nor will they pick out how inspiring we are, especially to others. They won't acknowledge the best in us, just as they won't acknowledge how incredibly valuable we are. Their #1 job is, basically, to pick only the sh*t out of everything we do and say in life.

Again, whether it involves internal dialogue or dialogue from others, the question can become something like 'Where in hell did you come from?'. Sometimes it does feel like hell on earth, living with someone like this, living with such an unwelcome and mentally exhausting guest you can be so desperate to get rid of.

[Centaured]

I'm sorry I haven't been online. I had a significant attempt on Sunday and had to have surgery on on it today. I'm feeling pretty awful, but the staff have been lovely.

I wish I had still ended up dead though. It's a shitty feeling, I'm sorry some of you have been there too.