The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Sorry to hear that you are still struggling. You did a great job getting yourself to the emergency room and keeping yourself safe tonight. Hang in there you have taken the right steps, the community will also be here to support you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support. 

If you feel you are in immediate danger it's important you notify the staff in the emergency department or call 000 (triple zero) if you have left the hospital.

 

[therising]

Hi Centuaured

I don't believe emergency departments are fully set up for people who are battling to stay alive, based on mental health issues. From my own experience, I've witnessed the insanity of it. I recall, going back some years, when I ended up in emergency, regretting my decision. You know what it's like, when you just can't take it anymore. You don't necessarily want to leave this world but you can't tolerate staying a minute longer. So, here I was at my most vulnerable, my most depressed, in a room full of beds occupied by complete strangers. Enter the psyche consult, to openly discuss one of the most personal and significant moments of my life and it's done publicly. What the hell?!!! Nothing quite like this experience the ramp up the 'personal shame' volume. I felt it so intensely and I left that hospital still feeling it. Looking back, I realise how depressing that experience was, how poorly such a thing is handled. Perhaps what would have made a constructive difference may have involved a few supportive key people coming into a private room to discuss how difficult and unbearable life can get and how they could sense how difficult and unbearable it was for me at that time in my life. I suppose I didn't want a clinical analysis in regard to how I was ticking, I wanted someone to just feel my feelings with me and tell me how it made sense that I'd be feeling this way.

I think one of the hardest things to discover in life is our core sense of self. If you could imagine a big old wagon wheel with the hub and all the spokes coming out of that hub, to experience the spokes (different parts of our self) but not have a solid sense of where they're coming from can be horrible. I kind of know my hub. By the way, it's taken 51 years to get here and I'm still coming to know it. I look at my core sense of self as 'an employer' of sorts, with the core largely being 'the feeler'. So, it becomes a matter of 'Who do I feel I need to employ for the job?' If I'm being degraded, I will not employ 'the people pleaser' who allows such behaviour to continue, instead I may employ 'the commanding person' in me, who'll command 'Stop it right now, you self righteous thing!' She came to life just in the last year. She's a feisty one 🙂

When the core sense of self is so lost or so thoroughly exhausted, it can be hard to feel anything. Can be so depressing at times, not to be able to feel. Sometimes you can't even feel which part of you you need to employ the most.

[Centaured]

I'm sorry you had that experience in the ED.

I'm too tired to form a proper reply.

But for me having a core self is really hard, DID is a disorder characterised by depersonalisation and dissociation. I have so many of 'us' and I'm sometimes so fluid between modes that it gets confusing. Centaured has no real self finds themselves amongst fantasy switching as the need arises.

Update: I left hospital and I'm currently on the bus to Hobart. I'm done with this state. I cant wait to fly out tomorrow.

[Sophie_M]

Hi therising,

We appreciate you continuing to authentically share your journey with the community here. It sounds like some improvements could have been made in your situation in order to support you in feeling safe, heard, and validated in that point in time which may have made a significant difference to your experience in hospital. While we recognise that there can be difficulties in accessing support in a way that suits your needs, calling 000 or attending your local Emergency Department can be a very important step for individuals in crisis.

We’d also like to highlight that in moments of distress or when experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings, accessing a safety planning tool such as Beyond Now can be a helpful resource to help you cope. Feel free to read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Thanks again for sharing.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I can only imagine how hard it is for you and still I'm sure I'd be way off when it comes to how intensely challenging everything is for you. It must be so exhausting, frustrating and so incredibly upsetting to find yourself with such overwhelming challenges.

In my description of my visit to the ED, I neglected to express my gratitude toward the staff who made a difference to me, the ones who led me to come out of there so I could step foot on my road to recovery. It's more about the system than some of the wonderful people within it.

If you don't mind me asking (you don't have to answer), do you have an aspect of yourself who you love, perhaps a high energy or wonder filled personality? Maybe you're not fully aware of them, which might make this hard to answer. Is there someone within you who you respect, maybe a part of you that gets you through the really tough times? It must be so hard, the fluidity; finding a part of you and wishing to hold onto them but not being able to keep them for as long as you like.

Do you have any solid plans once you fly out or is it a matter of you just don't want to be where you are? Do you feel it's time for a change? I think, sometimes no change can become incredibly depressing, depending on the circumstances. If only we had some kind of crystal ball, to be able to see how the changes play out. Perhaps we'd be willing to make more of them, the changes we need. Is there a part of you that finds it easy to make changes? If so, how do manage making them? That last question is more about my need for advice/guidance when it comes to making some tough choices and changes.

I hope you manage to find your own guidance that makes and enormous difference to you, no matter where you land. This is my heartfelt wish for you. I'd like to imagine you're off the find the person who'll make all the difference to you, you just don't know it yet, that this is what you're in the process of doing 🙂 Sometimes I wish the part of us that knows best was always present.

[Centaured]

I just want to get home to my own bed therising. I've been on holiday visiting old friends, my dad and places I used to live/go to. It was a huge mistake. Everywhere I went reminded me of trauma, the people reminded me of why I left, all of it reminded me why I ran away at Easter and and attempted to start a new life.

The people in the ED yesterday were good, I saw the mental health team I used to know and instead of focusing on why I was there and what was going on, we focused on the positive things that happened since I moved states and how I was going to get home and tried to get me future focused again.

In regards to finding myself. I like to establish myself in routine and activities, so I can be myself in which ever personality is out/front. So for instance I love art and MTG. So I try to do something related to those activities each day and it helps keep me grounded. So I guess I like that I'm creative: I try to see things differently and express that to the world. And I like problem-solving: keeping my mind distracted and busy helps me, I guess that's where mtg comes in and it a great social game too.

[On The Road]

Hi Centaured,

I'm sorry that going back to where you lived is not the best choice. I think it really hurts to face the past that we don't wanna recall, which would easily bring us down again.

it is good that you feel the mental health team is helpful, I'm glad you can try to focus on more positive things and on looking towards the future. Problem-solving can be a good way to distract yourself I tried it myself but probably because I'm too stressed it didn't help me much.

[Centaured]

I'm going to be spending Christmas in hospital.

[Chris_Tas]

Hi mate.

Why in hospital?

If so then please take care.

I know how hard it is as I've 7 visits myself in 1 year but keep trying.

Yes it's hard, I do understand mate.

Chris

[Centaured]

Hey Chris

I tried to suicide the day after I got back from Tasmania, and I had been planning on not making it to Christmas so they kept me in and I'm now changing meds so I'll be in until after the holidays.

Tbh I don't mind it. I hate Christmas and at least here I don't have to pretend to be jolly and can try to forget the holiday. And I'm getting good support here and the drs in this unit actually give a shit. This is the best hospital Ive ever been to.

I've had several other major admission this year. And I actually don't know how many times I've even been to emergency; I self harm significantly quite regularly to the point of often needing stitches at least once a week.

But I'm safe at the moment. I haven't had a Christmas like that in a long time, so maybe this one will be different and I don't have to be a Grinch the whole holidays.