The constant struggle.
Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.
So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.
I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.
On the road my pain levels are back to normal amount of pain, I am able sort of walk now. Having a disability doesn't help your mental health on the best of days and sometimes mine really affects me and it's not something that's really talked about.
Im not usually a party animal, especially because of my disability. But being trans and bisexual, pride means a lot to me. And I had never been to a pride event before so I was excited even though it caused a lot of pain and issues following.
I'm looking forward to flying out on Monday and having a break from my Chaos for a little while.
Chris how's it going. I hope you are staying safe and keeping on.
Thank you for reaching out this morning. We're sorry to hear how drained you're feeling and are concerned to hear you are having thoughts about harming yourself. We have sent a private message to check in with you. Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Depression is such an incredibly torturous thing to face. My heart goes out to you as you work so hard to make sense of it, while trying to cope with it at the same time. I believe, no one really knows what the depths are like until they've experienced them. It's like hell on earth.
One of the things I discovered in my struggle with depression was the difference between the conditioned self and the sensitive self. The conditioned self is the one that believes in a whole stack of depressing destructive stuff. One of the most depressing and highly destructive mental programs would involve general society's old school take on LGBT etc. Old school - whether it involved being arrested for what was once illegal or being beaten or declared as deserving to burn in hell, that's some seriously depressing stuff. For members of the LGBT community to believe in what they've been told they deserve is mind altering. To see themself as 'less than' is incredibly sad. These beliefs can destroy the mind, body and soul. Of course, this is just one of many mental programs that people have been led to believe. There can be 100s of beliefs instilled in us from the very beginning of our life, yet we can't see them until we become conscious of them.
The other sense of self relates to the self who senses. If you're sensitive enough, you can sense when something is bad, wrong or depressing. With this self, you could feel from various people throughout the day 15 depressing comments. You can feel every single one of them. You can even feel your own thoughts. Some depressing people may even say 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. Btw, this is a comment I can easily feel. It triggers me in a number of ways. It'll typically trigger my nervous system into 'fight' response, not flight or freeze, like it used to. I can better sense my need for feistiness these days 🙂
May sound a bit weird but, in hindsight, I came to realise that deep need to sacrifice myself came down to choosing which sense of self I was going to sacrifice. Was I going to continue sacrificing who I naturally am, in favour of managing all the exhausting depressing beliefs others had put in my head over time, or was I going to sacrifice that sense of self that really needed to go? Some say 'the dark night of the soul' is the point of choice. It's the point where we can no longer live with our self, our false sense of self. It has finally become intolerable.
Pride is a beautiful thing to sense 🙂
Your posts are so heartfelt, especially your latest post. Depression's so heartbreaking. During the years I faced it, I would partly describe it as like slowly dying of a broken heart. When you speak of the night time, I think it's when you can feel the process at its most intense. Night time is so brutal to a sensitive soul. Night time is where the internal dialogue can be at its loudest, its most convincing.
If you don't mind me asking, what are some of the things in life you sense the most/are most sensitive to? You mention the pain related to your condition and brutal internal dialogue. I imagine you're also sensitive to high energy situations where people love to celebrate who they genuinely are, such as with the pride after party. There's nothing quite like the freedom to celebrate and express who you naturally are. To not feel harsh judgement, to not feel the suppression of self, to not feel the need to please those who we're sick of trying to please is an incredible feeling. There's nothing quite like the freedom to think like our self, to feel like our self and behave like our self. The energy it can take to act like someone other than our self can prove thoroughly exhausting at times.
You mentioned earlier how disability and mental health is a topic that's not really talked about. Do you get a sense that people don't want to really hear about it, like it doesn't suit them to hear about it? Would you like to express yourself here? Would you actually like to give yourself the freedom to have a massive vent? If that's what you feel you want to do, go for it. That kind of energy's better out than in I say.
Wondering what led you to give yourself the freedom to express yourself as trans and bisexual. I imagine this must have been far from easy, given the nature of some people (to judge and criticise). Was it a matter of you just not being able to continue toleratating suppressing this side of yourself, your natural side? Was it a long and painful journey, to get to that point, or was it a sudden revelation, creating a shorter journey? No need to answer if you don't wish to. I think there's a kind of energy we feel when we're expressing our natural self, therefor when we're acting like anyone other than our natural self, you can miss that energy, that feeling. What are a couple of the things that bring you to life? Personally, I can come to life through joy or anger. Either are a form of excitement (of mind, body and soul).
Tbh I don't tend feel much at all. I tend to have this nothingness that consumes me instead. my dissociative disorder tends to make that even more real.
You talk about passion, excitement, anger, etc. I wish I had those. I see of the day I can have an emotion safely and not suppress it to I dissociate til I don't remember whats going on or get suicidal and self harm.
And I don't know my genuine self. Having multiple personalities makes that complicated. I am comfortable in my skin however, I'm not ashamed of it anymore.
I Am ashamed I'm in the emergency department waiting in waiting room all night for mental health team. I'm totally ready to walk out.