The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Centaured]

I feel discharged right now. Beyond blue got a welfare check for me last night which saved my life but since coming into hospital in the evening I haven't seen anyone. I told them I want to leave but have told me I can't despite not being on Forms. 

I'm tried of this place. It's pointless other day here. Hospital isn't a safe space for me this time of year. Too many memories. 

As my holiday looms in under a week I'm not even excited to try to have a break. 

[Centaured]

I fly out in the morning. I'm both excited and scared as hell.

[Centaured]

Something shit happened today that's made me feel like shit. Today is my T day (it's been four years now since I started testosterone) I was feeling pretty good about it until my mum deadnamed me. After all this time (Ive been out over 6 years) and she still can't accept me. 

I don't know what some of my dad's family is going to be like regarding my gender and my name. I'm worried now. 

Normally this is stuff I don't talk about, I'm comfortable being non-binary. But today this was really hard and my thoughts have got really dark. I'm worried I'll stuff it all up tonight. 

[Centaured]

Why can't I just enjoy a holiday without these thoughts. I hate my stupid head and it's stupid thoughts. 

[Centaured]

I can't deal with this shit....I want to mess this trip up. I don't want to deal with tomorrow so I'd rather not. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for your post this evening, we can hear the challenges you are facing at the moment and glad that you reached out to the community.  We've reached out to you privately today, please check your inbox.

IMPORTANT NOTE - PLEASE: Call 000 (triple zero) if you are in immediate danger to yourself, or take yourself to your nearest Emergency Department for mental health assistance if you feel at risk at any time.

We don't want you to go it alone either, so please reach out whenever you need. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 

[Centaured]

5 weeks self harm free turned into 7.5 hours in the emergency room getting medical attention. I hate how self harm rules my life. How I want to die all the time. No one will read this or care so I don't know why I'm posting. I'm safe enough for now. I just want to go to bed. I'm just tired of it all that's all. 

[Centaured]

The mist is feeling heavy here
The steps to take are no longer clear
Fought tooth and nail to realize this dream
But now it leads to my screams
Is this the life I've wanted?
I'm too afraid to let my guard down
I swear these walls are so damn high
Is this yet another moment I let pass me by
Is it my fear holding me back?
Or is it the conviction to follow through
I've always lacked?
Unknown, alone
I'm paralyzed by the spotlight's glow
Left on my own
I'm so terrified of the unknown
So scared of my future
Am I even meant to be here
Unknown, alone
And I'm petrified being so far from home
 
In the Spotlight - Hollow Front
 
This song hits hard today. I feel like I'm not meant to be here, i feel alone and petrified of my future. 

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

Yes it does hit hard, and if that was all there was in a person's mind it would be very discouraging/devastating.

I'd like to give you two versions of the same song, It's called "Hell broke Luce" where Luce was a person who  had a very hard time indeed as a conscript - no choice in his life and thoughts of home tugging at him all the time. Not a particularly happy ending (though he survives)

So whay choose that?

Well becuse it is confronting and sad.

And that 's what you get when you view the Tom Waits version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Fju9o8BVJ8

Then watch the Tom Waits/Cookie Monster version - it can leave a slightly different feeling in the mind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbiioBFkD_Q

Same words, same music

I guess what I"m saying is you have so much experience of down thoughts, maybe you can squeeze in a little extra to remind you there is more in the world.

(I use this exact pair in my copy of BeyondNow along with lots of other things including a similar treatment of "God's away on business" which I actually prefer)

I hope you get a peaceful night

Croix