Suicidal thoughts

[Peaches]

I have a really good friend that I would always like to hang out with, but she always declines because she has to look after her nana . It gets me depressed when I can't hang out with her. I haven't seen her face to face in 3-4 years . I'm always texting her , we've been friends for almost 10 years now .

Sometimes I think to myself,  it's better I die because she doesn't have time for me. I struggle with depression and anxiety so it's been difficult.

I have a prevention plan but it doesn't help and my psychologist isn't very helpful either , I've been to like 3 or 4 psychologists now tbh.

I feel like this is my only safe space...not gonna lie...

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

What a wonderful friend you have, she looks after her nana, thats amazing as a quality so I would try extra hard to keep her in my life if I was you.

To achieve that have you thought of visiting her place for an hour or two, not too much, so you can spend time with her?

The other thing is that friends are "fluid" meaning they are like waves, they come and they go, new ones come along and you might be more suited. The level of attachment to a friend can be harmful... it isnt unlike a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship in that way, you become a couple then sadly it might end, best to give yourself time to recover and then put in place a strategy to meet more friends and improve your life. It isnt easy but you have to take care of yourself.

When young I fell in love and wasnt aware my girlfriend wasnt in love at all, so we split up and I was really hurt... then a friend said "true love takes two to be in love" and I realised it wasnt true love it was infatuation.

I hope you feel better soon

TonyWK

[Peaches]

I support her a lot and she supports me a lot. I have told ber time and time again that I can come over to the house and visit her and nana but she always declines my offer...what an I supposed to do with that? It hurts me so much . She doesn't even want to answer my phone calls when I call her or I as her if I can call her and then she says no.

What am I supposed to do then?

[Tess]

Hi Peaches

While I am not trying to minimise how disappointed you feel, it does sound like you have been very fortunate to have found a friend who has been part of your journey for the last 10yrs. There can be no measure of the value that good friends bring to our lives. 

Seems like, that for whatever reason, this friend wishes for the friendship to be just an online one now. And I really shouldn’t say “just” because that sounds like it is describing it as “less than”. We are so brainwashed into thinking a “normal” friendship must look a certain way, which may lead to your view that this current friendship is less than normal. 
I have online friends that I have never met, and probably never will. And others who, because of distance and illness and various other reasons, will now be online friends. But I don’t see those as “less than”. I see them as special and valuable and am grateful for each one of them. 
Perhaps some reframing here might help? Turn the perspective around to see how valuable that texting friendship and the support it provides really is to your life. Appreciating “what is” rather than focusing on “what isn’t”? And as for the friend not having time for you, I think given you have maintained a friendship across 10 years proves otherwise. She clearly has time for you. Friendships come in all shapes - appreciate them all for what they can each give you. 
Cheers

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

I'm so glad you reached out. It takes incredible courage to share your feelings, especially when things are tough as you described. Feeling isolated and alone, especially when you care deeply for someone, is incredibly painful. It's completely understandable that you're struggling with depression and anxiety.

The fact that you've tried different psychologists but haven't found the right fit yet is also really tough. Might sound a little naff, but this also shows a commitment to wanting to change things for yourself. I also hope you continue to find this is a safe place to be and talk.

And if you want to chat more here... the people who replied previously and myself are listening.