Dear Always in pain~
I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. Her suggestions are pretty good, and being in contact with her can really help
As you have found out getting a second reply here can take a long time. That is not usual, and is nothing to do with you , or the things you are talking about, it is simply the system does not work as we would like sometimes -a real pain.
To feel ignored would simply have made matters worse for you, it might have seemed like nobody cared. Actually we do, given the chance.
I can relate both to trying to taking one's life and being in pain, though unlike you my suicidal matters were a result of PTSD, depression and anxiety from my job, the pain came a lot later in life due to a spinal condition.
It is a real worry to not remember what happened and waking up in hospital, it leaves so much uncertainty as to what you might do again -and that can be very frightening. I was frightened even though I knew what I'd been doing.
OK, you may get into hospital, a psych ward, and I found it helped - not pleasant but it took me away from life and gave me peace. You're situation is different in that you have the pain to contend wiht and, if I might offer some advice, please ensure that they treat you for both your mental state AND the pain.
As you are only too aware they are linked together. To be overwhelmed by inescapable constant pain, trapped by it, is a huge thing and the medical team needs to keep plugging away until at least some partial relief is found. As I'm sure you are aware there are pain clinics which do nothing else. Perhaps you might get into one, do you think that is possible.
I'm lucky in that mostly it is not too bad, though have been hospitalized for it (pain now, not suicidal matters as before). The medications used there put pain on one side and me almost a spectator, a sort of relief, but not practical except on the ward. As things stabilized discharged back to the same usual grind.
I guess I have some techniques that help me, I do not know if they will help you.
For the suicidal thoughts -company. Even if you have not explained what is in your mind just being with another can make a real difference. Do you have friends or family who you can be with when you need it, even if they just talk normally and are not in your confidence?
Running out of space so will be brief though this is important. I can loose myself in things I enjoy and take my mind away.
Will have to explain more another time
Croix
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