I Want to Keep Fighting - Trigger Warnings

[Nimi]

First of all, I'm safe and I've no plans to do anything horrible to myself, but I feel as though I can't truly confront my depression and anxiety without also acknowledging that sometimes I do not have the strength to offer self-compassion. I always feel really bad asking for help, like I'm guilty of being lazy or irresponsible, but then I remind myself that we all feel that way sometimes and I wouldn't think that of someone else who felt so sad and alone and was struggling.

I don't really know what to do, but the last few days I've been waking up with no energy and staring at the ceiling. I've had suicidal thoughts before, all throughout life, and even going so far as to physically hurt myself because I thought it was the only way to "punish" myself for being so inadequate. I don't do that anymore and I'm in a much better place overall in life, yet these thoughts still intrude every once in a while and it sets me spinning. I suppose it's because a part of me wants to give up and is terrified of being hurt, or hurting someone else. I'm terrified of intimacy. I'm scared of new relationships, but I'm doing my best to fight through that assumption that everything will be terrible, and have recently been going out and meeting new people and am trying to find clubs in my area so I can branch out further. It's just... it's really scary. Some days I don't want to do anything.

I'm sorry this post is so confused. I'm really confused too. I just want to keep doing my best, because I know there are lots of others out there struggling against that feeling every day. I believe we can do it, but gosh... it really is hard sometimes.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Nimi,

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe. We understand the need to release things and have our voices being heard. Dealing with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, self-harming and life in general can be very difficult sometimes. Asking for help can be a struggle also, particularly when guilt has its role in the matter. It is a lot easier to much harder on ourselves than others at times, self-compassion can be tough to learn and to really anchor in for ourselves. There are other ways to get through your anxiety and depression besides hurting and punishing yourself. After all, what are you really punishing yourself for? Being terrified, being hurt and being human? Are we not on this planet to feel a whole array of feelings and to experience a whole array of experiences, things that feel good and things that don't?

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming and scary moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

If this is something you have been affected by we would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

You are not alone and the community is here to support you.

[james1]

Hello Nimi

Thanks for reassuring us that you are safe.

It is great that you are able to remind yourself that you may be judging yourself by different standards, and perhaps are being a bit harsh on yourself. Unfortunately, we are all our own worst critics, even though it's entirely human to feel all these feelings when we are struggling.

I can totally hear that you are feeling really scared at the moment, and it sounds like there are a lot of things on your mind. Do you have anyone to speak to in person?

From what I understand, one of your fears is related to how you relate to others and getting to close without getting hurt. I'm quite similar and, honestly, I haven't figured it out yet. I try to put myself out there, but it's tough, especially when I will inevitably be hurt by some people and just need to learn how to deal with that. I see a psychologist weekly and that helps me a lot - I've seen her for a few years now and amazingly she's still around, dealing with my anxieties, every week. Do you have anyone similar?

James