Straddling The Line

[Appreciate_you_being_roun]

I’m a 35 year old female. Single mum. Employed in a high pressure corporate job. Responsible for a large team of high performing individuals.
I feel like I am currently straddling the line between being here and not. I’ve suffered with depression since I was 13. This time around I have been on medication for about 10 years - most times the highest dose allowed for my medication. I have a history of entering relationships with narcissistic men. I’ve recently discovered that this happens because I feel so alone and worthless, that the love bombing is like a drug that suddenly makes everything feel better.
my first relationship with a narcissist started when I was 19 and I left 8 years later, when my daughter was 8 months. The first time he laid hands on me was 6 months in.The violence over the years continued and became normalised. The only reason I left was because the police said they would take my baby away. I was so indoctrinated. When I left I was suicidal. I self harmed a lot instead. But, I got better. Became incredibly successful at work. Had a few short relationships before deciding I needed to be alone. I was alone for 10 years. No dates. Nothing. Then I decided one day I wanted to be in A relationship. I found a man who I thought was the one. Things moved quickly. He gave me so much attention. Told me he loved me after a month. Started talking about marriage and babies - everything I needed to hear. I didn’t know what live bombing was at this stage. After 3 months I started to let my walls down. Things flourished for a bit longer before he realised he had won. He convinced me to come off my medication to improve our sex life. So I did. Within a week I was a mess. I felt crazy. Crying constantly. Jealous.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Appreciate_you_being_round,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums,

We're so sorry to hear of the trauma you've been through with past partners. We can hear that the time spent with your first partner still has a significant impact on you. You should feel so proud of yourself for having been through so much and still having accomplished so much in your career and as a parent. We can hear that things are moving quite quickly with this new person and can hear how overwhelming this feels. It's really great that you've come to the forums to seek some advice, support and express your thoughts. 

We would urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation who just want to be happy on their own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Please do feel free to share more of your story here with us. 

[Appreciate_you_being_roun]

jealous because he asked me to cease communication with all male friends and remove them from social media. So I did. But he wouldn?t delete the photos of him and his ex fiance kissing. Had her engagement ring next to his bed. Messaged and rang her and lied about it. This slowly drove me crazy as I wasn?t on medication. He had a heart attack so I sat with him in hospital everyday all day for nearly two weeks. A few weeks later I was sick but instead of looking after me he went camping with friends. I lost it and broke up with him. I realised my mistake the next day and drove and begged for forgiveness. He said we would work it out and I drove home. I started to spiral. Started to self harm badly and was ruminating about suicide. He showed up and my front door and saw that I had hurt myself. It scared him. Our relationship continued. It was beautiful again. I went back in my medication. We went camping. Spent a lot of time together. Loved each other. Then he started to resent my daughter because he had to share my attention. He broke up with me one night. I felt sick. He decided to get back with me the next day. Three weeks later, a repeat. Two weeks later he repeated it again. He later told me it was a test to see how I would react. He took an old car of mine and somehow registered it under his name and sold it and gave me no money. He started to gaslight me. Telling me my feelings were wrong. Telling me I did something that never happened. Telling me things didn?t happen or that he didn?t say something but he had. I was walking on egg shells. Yell at me in public if I walked up to a puppy. Tell me I wore dresses to work so the me would look at me. The stress was unbelievable. I couldn?t sleep. Couldn?t work. Couldn?t look after my daughter. How could ANOTHER person who was so in love with me do this? How crappy must I be!!! He broke up with me again and came back a few days later. The love bombing started again and I felt the drug kick in. One night I started crying kn his chest and told him I?m waiting for the next time he says he wants to end it. He promised me he never would and started to talk about marriage and babies. Four days later he ended it again. After I had told him how scared I was. He asked me to wait for him to get better and he really needed to be alone. There were a few booty calls but then I stopped contacting him

[geoff]

Hello Appreciate_you_being_around, I think you have made the right decision to stop contacting him, because any relationship that behaves as you have told us is not one where there is any trust, so if you want to be with another person you certainly don't leave and then come back home, showering you with explanation remarks of love but then going cold and resenting the presence of your daughter, that's not love but a way to try and manipulate you.

It's uncertain he will get any better and wanting to be alone is not the appropriate way, he needs to have some counselling, you and your daughter need to look after yourself.

Trust is important.

Geoff.