Dear Ally_A~
I'd like to welcome yoou back to the Forum and hope the years since you were last year have been OK.
Do you mind saying if there is a particular thing that makes you feel this way?
I'm well aware of what it is like to wish everything would stop and my mind would not be full of hopeless self-blaming thoughts leaving no room for anything else.
I not only have had suicidal thoughts but acted on them - though I'm still here and am now glad I am . The change came for me when I eventually stopped trying to do everything by myself and sought clinical help. This led to a short stay in hospital, meds and therapy therapy over a long period. I'm still under treatment however life is now very much worth living.
I'm not saying that hospital is the right thing for you, only for me. I would expect clinical help if properly given should make a marked difference. I read you were getting a mental health plan a couple of years ago - did that assist? You do need ot find a GP and psych who actually does.
One big factor in my improvement was one cause of my thoughts was removed, I left the particular occupation that was making damage worse. Do you think that might help, if in fact it is feasible?
When things overwhelm it can be very hand to have a Safety Plan that does not require thought or decision making (my mind was always too full to make any choices). The free smartphone app Beyond Now has been a great help - easy to reach for in my pocket. I find particularly the section about 'Things I can do for myself' the best part. This takes planning, eihter by yourself at a less dark time, or with the help of someone that knows you.
You build up a list of things that in the past have comforted, occupied or even amused you. I have favorite books, YouTube music and comedians, going for a walk and many other things. Because I've no capacity to make selections they have to already be there at the worst times just sitting to be used. Try to be specific, not just 'listen to music' but something like 'listen to Amy Winehouse Back to Black', and other things spelled out exactly. The same with everything else.
May I ask if you have anyone in your life to support you, a family member or friend that will understand you can talk with? They do not have to 'fix' anything, just care.
Of course if it is even too unbearable for that then don't hesitate to call Lifeline on 13 11 14. You can get some comfort if you strike an understanding voice. I've found most operators are pretty reasonable
If you would like to come back and say more that would be great
Croix
