I'm a lurker here, bit hard to be not "to dark" when your whole existence seem one dark place but I read the threads here and I know exactly how much pain the author is in, to me it's just so clear and like I have read in the threads just like me they cant get the physiatrist, doctors or anyone who hasn't lived this curse to understand just what a hell it is, when a day misery seems like forever and a week, month,and in my case years is countless forever's. Mine is a chemical imbalance, had it 40+ years, no hidden traumas, no dark events but the despair and misery are very real. Sometimes I luck out and a med will help for awhile, 1 med even gave me some years where I actually thought "gee I actually get why unaffected people are happy to be alive" it was a revelation, it was fantastic, it was fleeting, Like all the other drugs before and after, they became ineffective, I've literally forgotten the names of all the different drugs I've been on, lateral ECT [or was it bi lateral, I get them confused now, I've had both] certainly helped with that, wiped great heaps of memory, cant remember great tracks of time, I see photos of our X-Mass 2020 holiday get away and nothing, no memory of it at all, On the + side I was suffering misery then to and since that whole time is gone I guess that means I must have been in misery a shorter time since I cant remember it. Next week they plan to put me in ward again and zap me multiple times the first 2 weeks and then maintenance zaps there after. it would be nice if it could buy me even a little respite but I've done it all before and still I'm here where I do know the misery, despair and pain all these poor authors feel, frankly, even though I keep fighting, trying and hoping I don't really believe there is any hope for me, 40+ years is just too long to hold on to hope, I really don't want to hurt my wife, she loves me, and I love her, 37 years married.
