Self loathing, trapped.

[Guest_1211]

I just want to punish myself repeatedly. I do, not in usual ways I guess. But the urge is constant right now.

I am so angry about stage four lockdowns. They feel so wrong and so pointless and so unfair. I feel trapped and like I’ve done something wrong and I’m just disgusted with every aspect of myself.

So I purposely make myself feel ill, I refuse to take painkillers when I am feeling bad pain because I don’t deserve them, I have stopped taking supplements that help me, and I hurt myself. Its nothing that leaves a mark, nothing anyone can see, I’m much smarter than when I was younger.

My normal coping mechanisms are all gone. My big, busy, distracting life has been taken away from me. Things have closed in around me. I can’t escape the thoughts, feelings, intrusions, nightmares, loneliness, slow time dragging...

I hate this so much.

[Guest_1211]

Thanks again EM. I do think it is a combination, but I’d say it would mostly be the sleeping tablets...

but I’m okay-ish I guess. I tried everything today to do my best, washed/changed sheets, walked my full hour, cooked for my family, had a bath, helped our students, got ahead in work stuff etc but I still feel the same. I can’t escape it.

I know It will be another long night, and I’m too scared to take anything to sleep. A bit stuck, but I guess that’s the norm these days

[Ggrand]

Dear fernwehr,,,

Thats okay, about sending the text messages..it was an escape from being inside your head...you sent them to friends...I’m sure they will understand....Please sweetheart don’t let that get you down..

Do you take your sleeper just before bed..I found if I take mine an hour or so before I plan to sleep, my eyes just don’t want to stay open...Maybe if you take yours earlier it may help you to close down better...just my thoughts...

You have a very caring heart fernwehr...I can hear it in your words...I wish so much that you could give yourself some care and be very gentle on you...

I hope your day was okay, fernwehr...mine was “meh”..no sun here now for a few days and icy cold winds...I hope in your corner of this universe you had some sunshine..

Here for you dear fernwehr..sending you my care and kind thoughts...

Grandy..

[Guest_1211]

Hey Grandy, I take them when I’m already in bed. They hit me in 10-15 mins and if I’m not in bed I will collapse etc.

I’m sorry to hear your day wasn’t too great either... I hope you are able to get some sleep.

thanks again for your time and words

[Guest_1211]

SH is just such an automatic response. I don’t even set out to do it a lot of the time, it’s like you only realise what you’ve done once you’re done. Or when it’s through deprivation, you’re in the depths of something before you even know it...

[ecomama]

Hi fernwehr

I'm sorry you're going through this and doing this again.

May I ask you if you feel a 'release' of types after sh?

The opposite of harm (being hate) is love right?

Can you at all push ALL the love you can imagine into yourself in spots throughout the day?

There has to be other ways to cope.... do you have any that work?

Love EM

[Guest_1211]

I really thought about this, I don’t really feel a release, it’s more of a collapse, an exhaustion... the extreme hate for myself dulls.

I have tried other things, but so much of what works or helps is not allowed any more with stage 4... or makes me sick (downside of some of my recent surgeries), or I simply can’t do because my body won’t let me.

like I started out in this thread... self loathing, trapped. I feel cornered

[ecomama]

fernwehr said:

I really thought about this, I don’t really feel a release, it’s more of a collapse, an exhaustion... the extreme hate for myself dulls.

I have tried other things, but so much of what works or helps is not allowed any more with stage 4... or makes me sick (downside of some of my recent surgeries), or I simply can’t do because my body won’t let me.

like I started out in this thread... self loathing, trapped. I feel cornered

I'd call that a release of types.
If you feel ANYTHING different afterwards then that's what we could coin a release.
The "collapse", the "exhaustion", the fact that "self loathing dulls".

SO if there's a change.... then there clearly is a "build up" to this and I can see you've clearly outlined this.

You know there's alot more to your story to have the build up then sh then release.
Then the cycle repeats itself.

I truly think the s/h becomes like an addiction.

Do you WANT to stop s/h?

EM

[Guest_1211]

I guess maybe it is...

...and maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t want to stop...? I guess it just scares me and feels wrong, so I feel like I should...

I don’t know.. I just feel like I am wrong.

[ecomama]

Hi fernwehr

You're not "wrong", heavens!

I think past traumas are making you feel you need to do this but IDK... what do you think?

I'm here to hug you not punish you at all.

We can just hang out and peel things back until you get to "baseline" and maybe understand your motivations for s/h.... how does that sound?

I KNOW FOR SURE that I used to be SO ANGRY and frustrated and all sorts of negative things that I really felt completely and utterly undeserving of anything good or nice etc...

It's THAT thinking that's wrong. Not you and not me. We're AWESOME. 😂 we are... I know this.

I really think that if you get it ALL OUT whatever is giving you the sh**s and all those thoughts going round and round in your mind....

And then you get validated be EVERYONE here and any other people you tell....

Then wow... this feeling of being a balloon filled with hot air but blubber blubber blubbers out...

Then we have US. Ourselves.

Then we can recreate ourselves from who we authentically are.

I know you're sensitive, I am too. BB is FULL of the most beautiful, sensitive and compassionate souls. The world is NOT. And many of us, if not all of us, have been very damaged by the harms of others.

Time to blurt it all out. I'll get a few boxes of tissues and be ready to hold your hand through this.

It's time. You don't want to do this anymore and TBH YOU DON'T deserve to sh any more either.

Love EM

[Guest_1211]

I don’t think I can do it.

I’m just really low.

I am normally very social, and super involved mum. I adore my beautiful children, they just want to hang and chat etc (10/12) and I don’t want them near me.

I can’t stand myself