Self loathing, trapped.

[Guest_1211]

I just want to punish myself repeatedly. I do, not in usual ways I guess. But the urge is constant right now.

I am so angry about stage four lockdowns. They feel so wrong and so pointless and so unfair. I feel trapped and like I’ve done something wrong and I’m just disgusted with every aspect of myself.

So I purposely make myself feel ill, I refuse to take painkillers when I am feeling bad pain because I don’t deserve them, I have stopped taking supplements that help me, and I hurt myself. Its nothing that leaves a mark, nothing anyone can see, I’m much smarter than when I was younger.

My normal coping mechanisms are all gone. My big, busy, distracting life has been taken away from me. Things have closed in around me. I can’t escape the thoughts, feelings, intrusions, nightmares, loneliness, slow time dragging...

I hate this so much.

[Guest_1211]

I have a house with my husband and two kids

i live my husband so much but he’s not a talking person. He needs be to be the busy organising heartbeat of our family. No room for sad or tired or lazy.
I can’t TAlk to anyone. My family are toxic.

i an the helper and the fixer with my friends and work. They’ll find out I’m a fake and can’t cope at all

i can’t play sport or ski or go out on a family hike, have dinner with friends. Help a student face to face or even just go shopping or see my dr properly

[ecomama]

Dear fernwehr

I want you to understand that ALL of us do things that were "wrong" - intentionally or not.

Could you use this forum to begin to express what you've experienced when you were younger?
This can be a really helpful strategy to put into words what you haven't yet disclosed.
It can make it 'easier' to then share this all with your psych.

Now is the time to do this as you feel the pressure of lock downs mounting.

Believe me, nothing will shock this forum.
Ofcourse many of us will feel instant empathy as we've experienced similar.

You are not alone.

The childhood traumas seem to be the reasons for you feeling the need for SH, is this correct?

I'm really concerned that your feelings are escalating / spiralling.

Please use the forums to share anything and everything you need to.

We're always here for you.

EM

[Guest_1211]

Yes EM they are, mostly. But yes, you’re right, then it spirals. Every little thing appears connected and I feel this overwhelming hatred for myself. This complete responsibility for where I am crashes down on me.
what do I do? Admit defeat and check out like a coward? Or do I punish myself enough to absolve guilt to a point where we can move on?

[Guest_1211]

And see Grandy, even this, I can’t even take a pill properly. I should be thoroughly sleeping by now. Instead I’m here spouting rubbish

[Guest_1211]

The traumas are a huge part. The dominate my dreams, spacey zone outs, emotional flashbacks. They are intrusive and unwelcome.

but they are escalating at me faster and I can’t keep dodging them, some of them are wounding me.

they are too vile, too unbelievable, too hurtful. I am trapped with no choice. Others get to pass judgement about why you’re there, what you did, why it’s your fault. You’re too scared to speak up and defend yourself as you’ll get ridiculed, no one will believe you anyway.
im trapped again. I’ve lost my agency, my choices, my freedom. I feel ridiculed, like I’ve done something wrong. And things are taken away from me even though Not drawn any punishment.

[Guest_1211]

I think I’ve sent about 10 random text message to friends tonight too. They will see I’m insane.🙈 How stupid am I

[ecomama]

Dearest fernwehr

Thankyou for responding. NOTHING you write here is ever conceived as "rubbish". Ever.

You are respected. Your story is BELIEVED.

Trust me when I say I KNOW my story also would never be believed by a stranger if heard for the first time (it would take too long to tell anyway lol).

But here?
Yeah, you are in SAFE company.

What you are experiencing sounds a lot like PTSD or at bare minimum responses to trauma.

I'm holding you close when I say this, please tell your psych.

You don't have to tell EVERYONE in your life about what happened! I mean this with the purest intent... you must tell SOME BODY.

You can phone a Helpline anonymously and tell a Counsellor there. They don't know who you are. I've found them to be absolutely amazing... moreso even when you say "I've never told anyone this before...."

Fortunately I have close people who are psychologists and after YEARS of me thinking I could cope with the PTSD like symptoms if I just kept reducing my life more and more.... they noticed me dissociating this year. This is NOT what you want to do..

I am SO MUCH MORE WELL since this occurred earlier this year.... so few bad dreams now they're negligible. Zero flashbacks that cause any emotional response and awesome exposure therapy I can now do on my own.
NO PTSD type tumblings.

I want this Journey of healing for you!!

You can do it.

I'm not gonna say it will be easy but I WILL say it will be very much WORTH it.

Whenever you're ready, we'll be here to listen and give you all the support we can.

We are always here for you.

Love and Healing
EM

[Ggrand]

Hello dear fernwehr,

Your last post resonates with me so..

My childhood was very abusive, sexual and very physical...same as my marriage...(38) years...

This has made me to scared to speak up and defend myself..actually all through my life I have never defended myself..I just took what was happening to me..without question, because a question or word from me defending myself meant worse for me..so I just shut up and took it..

After my abuser ( husband past away)..I crumbled for years staying inside to scared to go outside for anything...even to get help...A couple of years ago I spent nearly 6 weeks in hospital..which helped me to learn that it wasn’t my fault what happened to me and to care for myself...

Sweetheart..it’s not your fault what happened to you..you don’t have to punish yourself for things that go wrong in this world or your life...

My dream are vivid like reliving everything over again..Waking up in shock and thrashing about in bed...then I tell myself I am safe..they can’t me anymore...get up have a cuppa tea to calm down my racing heart and shaking body..Then put on a sleep story and try again to sleep...

I am very happy for you that you love your husband very much...and that you have two beautiful children...I am pleased your not alone with all your going through....

Life has changed for all of us...The COVID restrictions has caused so many people who are stuck at home with mental health problems..to have their mental health escalate, I think because, we have more alone time, more time to think about what we went though then we beat up on our selves because our distraction of our everyday normal lives have been taken away from us...It’s looking for some different ways to distract ourselves that’s hard to find...

I have enjoyed your company...Your words are very valued here..many people will be listening only, and gaining some help from your story...keep talking here when you feel up to it...

My kindness and care to you dear fernwehr...I hope so much that today is a better day for you..🌹.

Grandy..

[Guest_1211]

Thanks so much EM and Grandy for being there last night. I’ve had to read and re read last nights posts.
I took something to help me sleep and clearly didn’t shut down properly although I don’t remember a thing, I was posting here and sent a bunch of text messages near midnight. I’m very embarrassed and have never done anything like that before.

I’m a bit worried about being out of control of myself. I don’t like it at all.

[ecomama]

Dearest fernwehr

It's okay. Any time and for any reason, we're here for you.

I'm concerned also that you don't remember a thing. It could be the PTSD / trauma responses becoming unmanageable.

It happens to the best of us, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

How are you feeling tonight? All embarrassment aside.

EM