Self loathing, trapped.

[Guest_1211]

I just want to punish myself repeatedly. I do, not in usual ways I guess. But the urge is constant right now.

I am so angry about stage four lockdowns. They feel so wrong and so pointless and so unfair. I feel trapped and like I’ve done something wrong and I’m just disgusted with every aspect of myself.

So I purposely make myself feel ill, I refuse to take painkillers when I am feeling bad pain because I don’t deserve them, I have stopped taking supplements that help me, and I hurt myself. Its nothing that leaves a mark, nothing anyone can see, I’m much smarter than when I was younger.

My normal coping mechanisms are all gone. My big, busy, distracting life has been taken away from me. Things have closed in around me. I can’t escape the thoughts, feelings, intrusions, nightmares, loneliness, slow time dragging...

I hate this so much.

[Sophie_M]

Hey fernwehr,

We understand it can be hard to post when you're feeling so low, so we are genuinely grateful you decided to reach out. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling that you need to punish yourself. We understand that this feeling must be overwhelming. Is there something that has helped you to curb self harm behaviour in the past? Please know that you're not alone and there will be members of this community who relate to what you are describing.

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have you in the past? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these urges that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

If you feel up to it, we'd also recommend reaching out to our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. You can also call our dedicated support line, staffed by mental health professionals, which is available 24/7 on 1800 512 348.

Many of our members will understand and may be able to help. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

[Guest_1211]

Agreeing I won’t do it, giving my word... but mostly consequences or being scared I’ll be caught are the only things that stop me. Hence why I become more covert, more invisible in the ways I punish myself.
it’s very overwhelming.
I do have a fantastic psychologist but I have so much trouble showing how much I’m struggling. It’s so hard to completely drop the facade that you work so meticulously to build. I freeze or zone out when I get to close to emotional stuff. I want so badly to be able to progress but I’m so stuck and it’s all my fault... which feeds into the desire to punish myself. Especially after sessions

[Guest_1211]

And feeling so completely alone and invisible. Like it would even matter if I disappeared

[Ggrand]

Hello fernwehr,

I’m sorry your struggling so much with your mental health..

You have done nothing wrong..the stage 4 lockdowns and this pandemic is not your fault..

Please can I ask you why you feel like you done something wrong..only if you want to share...no pressure at all...

Its so good that you have a fantastic psychologist..opening up is hard, yes we put on a facade very meticulously and hide behind it very carefully....that at times we can trick our psychologist into thinking we are travelling okay....By doing this though we are not getting the help we need..

Something that might help you..is to write out on a piece of paper your daily thoughts and feelings as honestly as you can, especially the self harm and how your feeling within yourself...Then hand the paper to him/her...on your next visit...or you could show him/her your posts that you have written here.....Maybe by showing your psych the paper or your post, might be that little bit extra to help you and your psychologist to progress further in your therapy and life..

fernwehr, you matter here and are cared for here..we would notice if you disappeared...Please believe that you are not alone...We are here for you..you are not invisible...

Sitting with you dear fernwehr...

Talk here anytime you feel up to it..I will try my best to support you through this hard time your struggling with..

Kind thoughts with my best wishes..

Grandy..

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey fernwehr

We're glad you're here posting. You matter here in this community, which is a nice safe space to share, give and receive support, bounce ideas around. We're all struggling a bit, and it's ok. I hold stuff back from my therapist too. It IS hard to let our guard down hey? I love Grandy's idea of writing things down. I've used that technique before when I've had trouble saying things out loud. It can feel a bit weird at first, but it gets rid of the fear of having to look someone in the eye and try get hard words out. The other thing with writing stuff down is it helps us to make sense of it and work through it. Anyway, love to chat if you're up for it.

Katy

[Guest_1211]

Hi Grandy. Thanks for replying... writing anything here was beginning to make me feel worse rather than better...

My psych is awesome, been seeing her two years, it’s been really slow work. I’ve gotten scared off a few times. I struggle to feel I’m worth her time, the money I take from our family, like I’m taking up space and resources. I hate how slow the work is and how badly I freeze up. I hate how I feel frozen or muted when I want to talk and to trust. But the mistrust and fear of speaking is so deep, it’s almost physical. i sometimes email in between, as she has encouraged me to, I write more sometimes than I can say, but then feel guilt for taking up her time outside of work.

I feel so much shame and guilt over my feelings. I’m so ashamed of my self harm. I don’t tell anyone at all how I feel or about my childhood. I have had massive health struggles the last 18 months and have kept it to myself as much as I possibly can, although losing over half my body weight makes it hard.

I constantly feel like I’m about to get in trouble or ‘found out’. It seems like everything is coming back to punish me for my wrongs. And now stage 4 is taking more. It feels like I deserve it. It’s taking my last coping mechanisms from me and leaving me with little to relieve my feelings apart from hurting myself.

[Guest_1211]

Thanks to you to Katy. I feel a tiny bit less invisible x

[Guest_1211]

And now I’ve take a asleep pill so things are very weird right but I’ll be in sleep pretty soon. These keys are really. CUte when they drop trying time trick me! It’s funny how there are Ll the different levels for the sentences to go on to do they can be read. It’s quite artistic really how you can make the change colour too

[Ggrand]

Hi fernwehr....

Thank you for getting back to us...I will agree with you that it is a very slow process at times...I have been through so many psychologists, now I have one that I trust, but like you I have trouble talking and often freeze up with difficult topics that I know will trigger me...

Maybe you freezing up is your minds way of protecting you from triggering conversations....It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get well...if it’s only small baby steps forward is all that you are able to do right now...then that’s gold because every step forward is a small win for you..

Your psych, sound very caring towards you..the way she is encouraging you to email her if you need to, shows how much you matter to her..and that she really want to help you start your journey to wellness...

Its okay that you haven’t told her about how you feel or about your childhood...when your ready and if you feel you need to tell her about your childhood and how your feeling is necessary for your recovery...I am sure you will...

I don’t know if your still living with your parents or if you live on your own.,,,either way fernwehr just a gentle thought I would like to put by you..is it possible at all..that you could talk to your family about how your feeling about wanting to punish yourself......I’m concerned about you doing that...It’s important to try hard to keep yourself as healthy as you can..

Not sure here, but do you think that your constantly feeling like you will get into trouble or ‘found out’ because of your self harm..?....

Is it okay to ask you what your last coping mechanism was before it was taken away from you...

I hope you sleep well tonight lovely fernwehr...and that tomorrow will be better then today..

sending you my care, kind thoughts...and a hug if you like them..

Grandy...