Self harm & suicidal thoughts returned

[Racingmind123]

Hi lovely people, not too sure where to start, though I have been on here once before due to my narcissistic ex bf who took me down the path of me almost ending my life. I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t have my dog. After the last disaster in my life, I was suicidal for a year.... met no guys for almost two years and after a lot of time and self healing, I started to date again. After a lot of duds, I started dating a guy I originally met many years ago... everything was great and we became official and I thought he was going to be one of the ‘nice guys’.... I even said to my mum that I could see myself marrying him... how wrong I was... only as of two nights ago, i walked in on him with another girl... I never in a million years thought he could or would do that to me... it took me so long to finally open up to someone again and my trust has been completely shattered. I noticed some red flags and sadly I was right. For me, it was a tidal wave of emotions that flooded back from all my ex’s and past trauma... sadness, anger, betrayal, embarrassment as I had told my friends how great he was... I’m shattered beyond words... I’m soon to be 36 and I was looking for a husband... time is ticking away fast and the thought of starting over AGAIN for the millionth time is almost unbearable. I am glad I found out now and not further down the track, but it’s shattered me. I self harmed for the first time in a really long time and suicidal thoughts are coming in again thick and fast... I thought I had become strong, but yesterday proved otherwise. I had to call lifeline after a breakdown and I walked myself down to the police station to save me from myself. I don’t want to stay single, but I don’t know if I can go through this ever again. All I’ve ever wanted is someone to love me as much as I do them and I continue to get used and played. I have boundaries and I’ve learnt a lot from my experiences and I speak up sooner when the energy shifts, but I still can’t believe this keeps happening. I just can’t cope with the betrayal and hurt anymore... 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

you deserve so much better. Someone who loves you for you.

You also mentioned red flags. Is it possible these are easier to see in hind sight. At the time you make a decision on the information available. There are also other possibilities. In trust you continued. And that has now been betrayed. I'm sorry. I would feel angry, hurt, wondering what I did wrong. I cannot see what you did wrong here. You were only being you.

A positive is that you also called lifeline. You are able to share your story here also. That takes strength and courage. 

You are allowed time to grieve what was,  or could have been. Please also know there are people you can talk to and others here will listen also. And if you want to talk some more... 

[Sophie_M]

Hi there Racingmind123,  Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear you’ve been dealing with self-harm and thoughts of suicide for a number of years, as well as difficulty in relationships and betrayal. Please know that you deserve to feel better and it's great you ahve your support dog, you areincredibly strong and resilient to have shared what’s going on with us here.     We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach out online, here.   The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.  Kind regards,  Sophie M 

[Racingmind123]

Thank you Sophie, 

Appreciate the additional options you have mentioned for support. I did call 000 first but you do then feel guilty that they have more important things to take care of so I hung up and called lifeline instead. I did book myself in to see a counsellor on Friday also to help to try to relieve the anger inside. 

thanks for the reply 

[Racingmind123]

Thank you for your reply. The support is greatly appreciated. I think the ‘what could have been’ is what also hurts me so deeply.... I’ve been longing for a loving, faithful partner for so long, it’s unbearable each time it’s lost. I started to feel him pulling away, making flakey plans, wouldn’t plan anything in the future, made silly excuses and stopped wanting to spend weekends with me... the old me would have let him treat me like that for many months.... this time I spoke up after two weeks... and sadly my intuition was right... I always wonder how long they seriously think they could have kept that up for... 

thanks again for your reply